Xxshadowraexx’s Weblog

I find myself shackled to the bad habits I try to avoid.
Chomping down on my bottom lip trying to contain my smile.
Forcing myself to feel pain in order to restrain a blush.
If you know, the silence is comforting, makes me feel as though I’m not a fool.
It’s as bad as changing a blind man’s furniture around without telling him.
Like liquorish, bitter, different, strange.
But I guess some people like it, swinging it around like whips and plucking off pieces to chew.
Why beat at locked doors with no one behind them?
Like last time, I know what is wrong and this falls into the same category.
I’m trying to become an adult but the butterflies tell me different, making me feel childish and giddy.
Sadly, I defend myself by saying I like the liquorish because it’s bitter.
Why? It’s like fire to me.
So different, like sweet and sour candies. Me being the sour of course because I work at it.
Obsession is at the tip of my tongue; thoughts constantly crashing against me.
Curiosity of the differences keeps me up and makes me feel similar to a child molester.
I can’t sleep because I fear that it’ll haunt my dreams and everything will spiral jaggedly.
And it’ll be like this until our flame is devoured under the wax.
Or until my lip is completely consumed and I walk around with a bloody smile and rosy cheeks.

Yeah. Graduation!!! =D. Yay. Now for another long post. =]. You know you like it. =P.

All week we [[the seniors of course]] had been practicing walking for graduation. And today we finally put it to good use. =].

In the morning, I was woken up by my middle sister, who was on the phone with my step sister.
“Call your friends to see if they have extra tickets.” WTF?! I was instantly pissed off. Because 1. I was woken up for a shitty question. And 2. Grrrrr. I just was. Because, we only get 8 tickets and mine were already taken.
1. Mom.// 2. Stepdad.// 3. Dad.// 4. Oldest Sister.// 5. Brother-in-Law.// 6. Middle Sister.// 7. Baby Sister.// 8. Cousin.
And suddenly my stepsisters want to come. I was so pissed off because, let’s face it, it knocked off my mojo.
“They don’t have any. Everyone wants extra tickets.” I growled.
I couldn’t go back to sleep because my heart was pounding from being pissed, so I got up and checked the phone and Blake called. INSTANT HAPPINESS! =D
“Bruh! Wanna go get a P’Zone wich me?” God! I love her.
I hesistated because my sisters and brother were in and I didn’t want them to feel abandoned. So I asked “Would be cool if I ran away for an hour?”
“That’s fine.”
“Oh. I thought you were still sleeping.”
Both which meant yeah, so I told Blake yes. I got dressed and then she came over.
Being that she bought the outfit, she wanted to see the Cap&&Gown on me, er… in general. And we recently discovered that she’s three inches shorter then me. [[WHO KNEW?!]] So the “gown” came shorter then it should have and of course… fucking bridget… I looked like a fucking cow with my fucking hips. The gown was not so loose on my fucking-hips as it was supposed to be. But that’s my fault because 1. I’m a cow. && 2. She’s shorter and its her’s. && 3. I was too scared to ask my parents for cap&&gown money. Yeah I know I shouldn’t have been scared to ask. Shut up. But it all worked out. Because Blake no longer goes to school and has no use for it. So I wore it instead.
So when I was done calling myself a “fucking cow” we went to Pizza Hut where we met up with one of Blake’s lovers…. well… Wishful-wannabe-lovers. He likes her but he doesn’t have a chance. He was okay. Shy, like all the rest of them, he didn’t talk because I was there. Maybe because he’s a jew. =P. [[Not really.]] But, we got P’Zones and we went to the park to eat them. Sitting on the ground and stoooff. She mostly paid attention to me because she didn’t like the kid and loves me. =DD. It was just the two/three of us, until!! I get a text frrrrooooommmm… *drumroll*…. Jasmine, My “hubby”. =]
TWIST!! Blake actually has a thing for Jasmine’s brothuh. And She/we are super worried that it’ll be awkward if the thing with Jasmine’s brother works out and Jasmine doesn’t like it, which to me, shouldn’t be because she doesn’t care who her brother dates, but theres always that paranoia.
After we finished our P’Zones, we sat and talked to the guy for a bit, who obviously liked her. Sucks to be him!!! HAHAHAHAHA!… I mean… >.>… Awh. We went back home after a while, then she left to go home for a bit. But meanwhile, Jasmine came over. =].
The point of Jasmine coming over was to discuss her brother with Blake, buuuuuuutttt… Blake left before she got there and returned after she left. Her excuse “got caught up on something”… not a clue what that means… I asked if her I wanted to know and she said no, so I let my imagination at work. While Jasmine was over I redid her nails and looked over a trash mag that I practically knew everyone in. [[THERE WAS A PICTURE OF HUGH JACKMAN! =DDDD]]
She left and I started to straighten my hair, since the time was 3 and I needed to be at the school by 4. Blake came in and I finished and straightened hers too. After we finished I put my gown and cap on and all the bling that went with it and left, running a couple minutes behind.
I got to the school and I was perfect timing, everyone was already there. So I lingered with my group, feeling whole like I always do. It was weird to see Nina though. Not seeing her everyday… it was weird. But I felt good when I saw her, even though she teased me in the mean way she does. =]. Serenity was quiet. Everyone else was off else where. But I was with Nina and Serenity. =D.
We finally lined up for graduation and I was happy. I stood two people behind Jasmine, with a football player between us, but he didn’t stop us from chatting away. Although… I can’t help but to find him a bit… nvm… I don’t want to get yelled at for my bad taste even more so then I already do. XP. We got in there exactly how they rehearsed and we waited two hours for the ceremony. So many people cried, and I almost did too, especially during a song that was being performed during it from a redneck on a guitar. The lump reallllyyy hurt, but I didn’t. But everyone else was. But I stood strong… ish. =]. A couple of the girls that gave speeches broke before they even spoke their first words. I finally got my diploma. Thank effing god! Graduted with honors. =].
Ended up going:
1. Mama// 2. Stepdad.// 3. Oldest sister.// 4. Middle sister.// 5. Stepsister.// 6. Dad.
And thats it. So… I had 2 unused tickets… I kinda felt like shit because someone could have used them… but whatever.
After we went outside and threw our hats, I was in instant search for my family. My feet were kiiillliiinnnggg me. I caught Jack first. I ran to him and practically glomped him. I was just about to warn him of my Mom’s camera before… she showed up and snapped one. =]
Then I found Serenity and took one. =]
Jasmine.
Then Nina.
Then my family decided they were hungry and wanted to go to Beef o’Brady’s in the next town. We went home to pick up my Brother-in-law and my younger sisters and my phone… where I had a voicemail from a friend wishing me a happy graduation, saying that I should have stayed at the school a little more… but… I felt bad cause I didn’t. But I might hang out with them later. Maybe. =]
So we get to Beef’s and SMOOCH IS THERE!… I attack him naturally. =]. I hung out by his table and talked to his mom and family, then went back to mine and stuff.
We were eating when my middle sister was like “The Smooch family is leaving” I turn around and they’re all coming toward me. I hug his mom and his sister. I see him walking away and I reach to grab his shirt and drag him back to me. I put my head into his chest.
“I love you. Do you love me?”
“Yes.” =D
I let him go and I watched him walk away. I fear that itll be the last time I see him for a while. My Smooch. =[
I finish my dinner, we take a couple more pictures [[Mom, Stepdad, 5 sisters, Brother-in-law, and myself.]] and leave after deciding that we are going to get alcohol and go to G-ma’s to watch some sort of basketball? game?

The night went well. =]
Espeically after Orange Juice and… Heeee. =]. Just one glass. =P

Part 1: Before Prom:
Waking up at 9:30 to my stepsister calling to check in, I got up and re-warmed up my coffee, the most essential thing that human life needs more then oxygen itself. Filling it up with creamer and sugar, I sat by my Mom and listened to the rest of the conversation. Mom and I finished the episode of America’s Next Top Model that Mom was watching and then Mom went to the store. It was about 10:30 or something along this time.
Home alone, [[Court at the neighbor girl’s house and stepfather at work]], I finished watching the Jennifer Garner movie I had been watching, Catch and Release. A good movie by the way. I had only seen it once before so I recorded it and watched it. I liked it a lot like I did the first time. Of course I like Jennifer Garner, she’s duh bomb diggity. After I finished the remaining 40 minutes of Catch and Release and then started on The Crow.
And WOW! The Crow! Is just so effing amazing that I squeal. No joke. One will die if one has not seen it. If you haven’t seen it… get to it. I had only seen it once with Serenity. =]
But then… my oldest sister called. She went to see the new Wolverine movie and didn’t understand some of it. Being a HUGE nerd and Hugh Jackman fan, I understood every detail. Although, I didn’t like how Cyclops was in the movie. Really? Wolverine didn’t know Cyclops beforehand… at least not for my knowledge. Oh, and if you haven’t seen the movie, its that big of a giveaway, the red lasers and the building, yeah that’s Cyclops. Don’t bitch at me. I saw it the day it came out. =]. Thank you Nina. =D
BUT! I was explaining the movie to her when Blake called in. I flashed over and we talked for a second and then I went back to finish explaining the movie and Star Trek. Took 10 minutes. T.T. I went back to Blake.
Blake was all: If I can get someone to cover for me I can go to dinner with ya’ll, which to me… is the shit. I was so happy, but I didn’t want to get too excited because, what if she couldn’t come?
Dinner plans originally: Serenity, Damien, Nina, and I.
But over the course of a couple days we got Smooch, Winifred, and Kit to join. And then at the moment, we got Blake to join. Smooch’s best friend, Mac, wouldn’t join us [[nor would he even at prom]].
I spoke to Blake for about 20 minutes before Nina called in to tell me she’ll be picking up Kit and be on her way to my abode. And then… Court called from the neighbor’s house on the other line. Blake left, freeing the other line for her to call. She asked if Mom was home, which she wasn’t. After I finished with Court, I called Blake back. I didn’t ask why she left, which was probably because I constantly left her waiting. I wanted to apologize but none of it was my fault!!! But, I did anyways, because I did want to talk to her and I did want her to come to dinner.
After a while, we got off the phone with each other so she could go call that one chick to see if the girl will take the shift off her hands. I got up to change into my bathing suit top since I knew we were going to swim as soon as Kit and Nina get there and I was too lazy to put a bra on. After I put the bathing suit top on, I watched a little more of The Crow until Mom came in. Your friends are here. Sure enough, behind her were Nina and Kit.
We were traveling down the road and I told Kit, ‘That’s Rae’s mom. Well maybe not.’ But then we turned on the road and turns out it was.We helped with the groceries Mom got us. I took allergy medicine and we all changed into our bathing suits.
Talk about fun. Let me tell chu about attempting to teach Kit to swim. Kit can’t swim. It’s not her fault. Her dad has this weird paranoia, since she has a hole in the side of her head, literally, a small one by her ear, and her uncle did too, and he drowned, her dad has a paranoia that she will too. So, she never really learned to swim. So, Nina, me, Court, and Court’s friend, the neighbor girl, tried to teach Kit to swim, my mom tanning on the pool deck. We tried to teach her to float, which worked until she couldn’t maintain to keep her head up. And then she forgot to come up for air… WHO FORGETS TO COME UP FOR AIR?!?!?!? T.T.
But! After swimming/teaching for about an hour and a half, we all got out and ate pizza that mom got us. Then we took turns showering, since it was time to start getting ready for Prom.
It was about 3 something around this time. We needed to start getting our hair done at 4.
My mom is amazing. She’s talented and social. She’s great and can do hair like a beast. So, she did my hair, deciding that my hair had been straightened so much that it can’t even hold a curl made by a curling iron anymore, unless it was large. So the style she picked for me, was pretty, went well with my dress.
Then she did Nina’s. It was Nina’s idea to get our hair done by Mom. I wanted to get it professionally done. But I had told Nina about how Mom had done my middle sister, stepsister, and my stepsister’s friend’s hair a couple years ago, and she wanted her hair done by Mom too. Ugh. And being since she wanted her hair done by Mom, I had to get mine done too. So, I compromised. And I don’t regret it.
As Mom was doing Nina’s, Kit was straightening her hair, which helped ALWOT before Mom and I got a hold of it and finished straightening it, although yeah… Mom did a shitload more then I did. And when Mom was done with Kit, she was by far the most sexiest thing on the planet. Hands down. No joke. She was hot. She has deep chocolate skin that not a lot of girls have these days and an amazing shade of blue/green/turquoise dress that couldn’t have been more perfect for her.
Then… To top it all off Blake called. She could come to dinner but couldn’t make it to prom since she didn’t get a hold of the people she needed to get a hold of to go. But she made her way to my hizouse where she helped Nina put make up on, and put on her prom dress from last year, since she didn’t buy a new one to go this year, nor was she going. It was really purty.
She left to go to one of her friend’s house and then decided to meet us up at the restaurant. I called Serenity and Damien, they were already there, and had been for 40 minutes already, waiting for a table for 8 to be cleared. Kit and Nina put glue on nails on my fingers and then we left, joining the rest of the group at the table.
We got there and the whole group was there already.
Serenity was so pretty! =D. She had her hair done, a curly ponytail that couldn’t have been done any better. I wanted to touch it, but didn’t in fear that I would break the beauty. Her dress was black and white and so flattering for her porcelain white skin.
Winifred wore a bright orange/red dress that had a V cut to it, her hair curly as well, pulled into a twist that was like a volcano of curls. She was so small and cute.
Nina had a sky blue dress that matched her new tattoo. It reminded me so much of Cinderella, even though Nina had SO MUCH more fashion senses. It was purty and shiny.
Blake wore a golden strapless one that I wanted because it looked like something that Belle would wear. XDD. I didn’t tell her that, nor anyone else… cuz… I’m an idiot. XD. But it was fitting and purty.
THEY WERE ALL PRETTY! =D
Damien wore black and white to match Serenity. He wore complete black except a white tie. He pulled it off.
Smooch wore pink, white, and black that matched didn’t go with Winifred but it still looked good on him. His tie was pink. That’s it…. From my knowledge.
We all order salad and soup. It was what we all agreed on getting. The cheapest thing on the menu. Breadsticks were already on the table, free? I think. It’s an Italian restaurant there WILL be free breadsticks.
It was all pretty good as were the pictures that were taken.
And no I wasn’t the one to suggest dessert. And I did not want the chocolate fudge/mousse that did not taste amazingly great. And I did not try the three other desserts that went around the table… oh wait… I don’t think I tried the cheesecake… I MEAN!!! THERE WAS NO AMAZINGLY DELICOUS DESSERT! XD
BUT! At this point, it was 830. Or so. The original plan was to be at prom by 8:30, being fashionably lately late.
But I still had to go by my grandmother’s since she lived, quite literally down the road 4 and half minutes. I felt obligated to go over there and allow her a couple snapshots.
We left the restaurant, meeting outside. The whole 8 of us. My favorites and best friends all together for what seemed like the last time ever. I found myself thinking, wondering if it would be the last time. Sadly, I believe it will be.
College is coming up and we will be parted, no matter how much we want it to be different.
Serenity is going to St. Leo.
Nina is going USF.
Blake is going to a church college. [[Sorry love, the name slipped my mind.]]
Smooch is either going with Nina or staying with me to the local college.
Damien and Winifred are still underclassmen and are staying for a couple more years. Especially Damien.
Kit, I’m not too entirely sure what she’s doing with her life.
Blake needed to go home, since she couldn’t come to prom with us, even though she looked amazing in her dress.
They said her goodbyes.
I probably won’t see ya’ll for a while. Except you of course. – Blake Directly To Me.
I pull her in for a hug and stay there for as long as I could before she pulled away. Everyday, I worry when will be the next time I see Blake. She’s my special child. She’s the exception to all my rules. I don’t see her everyday nor do I talk to her everyday. I wish I did, like I used to, just to know if she was okay. I know she has this whole other life that doesn’t involve me. I worry but it’s what she needs. Someone she worries about worry about her.
It took everything I had to walk away from her and say bye. I told her I loved her and walked away to the rest of the group.
Being that I still needed to go to my grandma’s and Damien and Serenity hadn’t an idea where they were going, we agreed that they would follow Smooch and Winifred, as Nina, Kit, and I went to our destination.
We get to my grandmother’s, I greet both of my grandparents, introducing them to both Nina and Kit. We take pictures, and then off to Prom we go.

Part 2: At Prom:
Nina, Kit, and I arrive at 9, an hour late.
And the first thing I see is Jack! And he looked really cute. He looked so gentleman like and he still had the little flower in his pocket, he looked so put together. I smile and walk up to him. Fucking hormones.
“Hey hot stuff. Having fun?” I asked him, smiling at him. Fucking… Ass…. Fucking WHORE!
He said yeah and asks if we just got there. I nodded, and let him off with Jolene who wore a T-length dress, layered and black. She came up to me and poked my dress, looking at the detail of my dress. But then I noticed what she was really doing.
She was showing off her corsage that had little roses in it. I rubbed it to see that it was real. I looked at her, a huge smile on her face. He swooped in and kissed the side of her head. Forcing a smile, I left them to find the table that Serenity and Damien were sitting at, in the back right, Nina traveling behind me, Kit gone within two seconds.
Mentally, I beat myself with open palms like I always did when he was around. I made my way to them and set my camera and ticket down.
“Where’s Kit? We need to take pictures.”
She left with someone. – Nina.
“Dammit.”
Well, let’s go. If she’s not there, I’ll just change the order. – It may have sounded bitchy, but really? Kit knew we were going to do pictures. Plus, at this point the shoes were killing me like beasts.
Nina and I went to the pictures order form, Kit wasn’t there. Well shit. Really Kit?!
We beat you! – Serenity putting on a funny face while she and Damien were at the picture order table as we enter the miniroom. I smile at her and stick my tongue out at her. They go up as Nina refills her form out.
I pull off my shoes and walk up stairs, watching Nina behind me, who has a stair phobia. I make it to the top and wait for her to make it to me before I watch away and watch the last of Serenity and Damien’s shoot. Nina joins me and we wait for them to finish and then the couple that was between them and us.
First, Nina goes on, her parents wanted a photo of just her. Then I joined. They took one snap and we were good done deal. With the photos we get a certain amount of photos of various sizes, but I was in it for the keychain. There will be a keychain of our photo. I will stick it on my key ring and it will be mine. =]. I look forward to that keychain.
We go down stairs, be place our shoes on the table where Serenity and Damien were, and Nina and I go out to the dance floor where Smooch, Winifred, Kit, Ashley, and Tabitha were. They were getting their funk on, and I joined them.
For a man that is so fucking twiggy, Smooch was smooth on the floor. If one were to look up “cutting floor” in the dictionary, a picture of Smooch would be there. Rap songs he was all up and down, as if he had a shot of Redbull directly to his heart. Slightly slower songs, he was with Winifred.
Even some songs Serenity had dragged Damien over to the dance floor.
By the second song, I had a drip of sweat riding down my leg, working them more then I usually did, or maybe it was just hot. I was hot. XD. =]
We took pictures, Nina and I, of our friends that we ran into. So many faces, I would forever remember as people I knew in high school. People whose faces I would remember until I died, but not their names.
About halfway through, I heard my name and a tap on my arm, I turned to see my uncle. An uncle that I rarely get to see except a couple times a year, like twice. He’s my Dad’s sister’s ex-husband, my cousin’s father. I was so shocked at seeing him that I hugged him three times. I was so happy and surprised to see him. =]
The music, all of which I knew, and I danced to as much as I could.
I danced and danced, like the Lady Gaga song, until I smelled the familiar scent that could only be one person, Serenity.
I turned around to see her and Damien.
We’re gonna go.
“What time is it?”
11:20 [[or something around that time.]]
Keep in mind that it was over at 12. I bit my lip, and whimpered. But that didn’t stop them. We stopped dancing and Nina and I walked them to the door.
Nina and I walked over to the table and fiddled with our cameras for a couple minutes, before Smooch and Winifred came over to collect their stuff.
We left when it ended.
“If you think I wanna know this, where are ya‘ll going?”
To a dark corner. – Smooch.
“Nice.” XD “Bye. Love ya’ll.”
They left and we fiddled with out cameras even more. Until Gavin came over and suddenly.
Gavin, how do you feel about dancing with me? – Nina.
NINA SCORED!!! I watched as they walked away and disappeared into the crowd of people.
I stood up and went on a not-so-random walk toward the other side of the building, where I sat opposite of Jack and Jolene.
Jolene and I talked about a slow kid at that goes to our school that is in the band with the three of us about how he might have had a slight case of autism, which was obvious to everyone who knew of such a thing. We talked about senior skip dad, Jack and I. I stayed with them as long as I could stand it, until a slow song came on and they got up.
It was the last time I saw them that night.
I went back over to see Nina sitting by herself, fiddling with her dress. I smiled, a relief from what I had sat ten minutes through. I sat across the table from her, like I had been.
11:40.
How would you feel if I went outside?
“Fine.”
She collected her stuff, her shoes, and purse.
“Are you going with Gavin or by yourself?”
Just come out to the car in a few minutes.
She gave her answer and left.
For the first time that night, I was alone. As peaceful as it was, I wanted company and I had no one. Not that I didn’t enjoy it because I have to say… Go Nina. =]. I was proud of her. =D

Part 3: After Prom:
12:00. Prom was over. I collected our shit, and went out to the car. Nina wasn’t there. My first thought was that she must have gone to look for me, although I knew better.
Kit caught up with me at the car and we went back inside to look for Nina and get our senior prom gift bags. I saw my uncle in the corner and I gave him another hug and told him about a graduation shindig I might be throwing the day after graduation. He said he might come.
Nina no where in sight.
Kit and I go back to the car and Nina is there now. Okay. Cool. =]
Nina and I go back to get a gift bag and then go back to the car.
We take Kit home first. Then we go to Sunoco and get me a Redbull.
On the way home, I get a text from a friend. And we talk all the home and more.
Its 1:30 when I get home.
I wish Nina good night and go inside.
My texting buddy and I talked until 4:15 when I clocked out.
Prom was over.

Part 4:
IT WAS THE SHIT! =D.

So much has happened in the past couple weeks. I guess I could just start with an update on my last blog:

1. He went back to her. Of course he did. I hate him for it. I wanted him to hurt so much. I wanted to throw a spear through his fucking head. But, as the world hates me so, a spear is nowhere in sight and I have absolutely no aim. I’ll tell you my side from the beginning.
He was scared shitless. I was forced to take her home with him. I can’t not take him home. Why can’t I just leave him there? Why the hell do I let him use me like that? [[But back then I cared sooo much.]] But… Two weeks they are broken up and he makes me take her home with him. >.>. Worried out of my mind, I call him at 9 o’clock that night. I kept making myself call other people so I didn’t have to call him. But my chance comes. He takes her back. “My rules. She breaks one rule and we’re done.” He did exactly what he said he was going to do. Take her back. “People change. People are going to be mad at me for taking her back. But I actually believe people change.” I resisted the urge to yell at him, maintaining my tears and anger. “I was scared that you [[me]] would be mad.” Of course I was. “Yeah. Some people change for the worst.” “What does that mean?” *Claws own fists til blood* I felt so used. I felt so useless. I wanted to kill him. Absolutely murder him. Its been what? 3 weeks? Something like that. I’ve taken them to his house everyday since.
I guess, I’ve grown numb to it. I want so much to just move on. I want to find someone new. But… For now, I just have to keep making cruel hits on him like “King of all assholes” to just force myself to get over him. He’s an ass anyways.

Okay. Now that I can think of nothing more about him. Lets move on… Light Of My Life.

2. This child, means the world to me. She’s my best friend. I’ve written so many blogs with her in it, but never really explained who she was to me… at least… not from what leaps to mind. Before her, I was a broken heart, alone and dark… I guess. Idk. I was surviving on what normal people shouldn’t survive on, just air. I was a new girl to the school. Of course it took until like… the end of October for us to actually click. Three years later, she means absolutely everything to me. I don’t mean that lightly. I mean, quite literally, I would take a bullet for her. She made me complete like I wasn’t for so long. I love her. But now that we are comfortable with our friendship and not amazing like best friends should be; She got a boyfriend that makes her blood sing && I stepped down. Anything to make her happy. As my previous blogs have said, I had some serious jealous moments over the two of them for the past year. [[Yes they have been dating for almost a year. A year in like two weeks or something. Which: Yay Light And Damien!]] I hated him for taking her away from me. I wanted so badly for things to just be the way they were for two years before he came in. But… She’s in love. I have to support that natural human occurance. I guess still most of me hates that he has her a SHITLOAD of the time and he throws a fit whenever we have her… yeah… really?… But…. As of recently… I found out… that even if we grow apart, I really and truely think that I still have a little piece of me in her. Its hard to see with all her Damien… but I think that I’m still there. Yeah, I may still get jealous that her skin shines and her smile becomes natural at the mere sight of him and not me… But I know that its what happens when someone is “twitterpated”… right? From Bambi? XD. I would know… not to the extent of love… but… to the extent of feeling complete. I fear asking her to hang out with me in fear that… deep down she really just wants to be with him instead of me. So, I told her… “You ask to mingle with me. Not me ask you.” So when she asks… I know that she honestly and truely just wants to be with me. Because… she should know… no matter what happens… I will clear my calender for her in half a second. Four hour phone conversation. We couldn’t shut up. =]. I really love her. And I hate that we don’t have as much time as we used to. But… I think that things will get better. I feel it in my bones. Ma petite. <334.

Wow… that was long. I haven’t had a computer in like… 2 weeks. I’m kinda dying. Not having the ability to update you… even though I know only certain people read this…. But… I’m not quite done yet….

3. Luff Muffin. Yeah… You didn’t see this coming. I have all day with you in class. You piss me off… immensely… alot. To have you always breathing down my neck… and I know I do the same thing to you. In spanish… okay…. I can deal. Its one period. Sometimes I’m moody, or your moody, or the whole fucking world is just pmsing…. But it really pisses me off, I make it quite obvious that I want to be alone, like when im reading or trying to write… I may make you sound like a bad you sound like a total bad guy… But I want you to know… that I really do like our time in that class. Although… I could live without ALWOT of the touching you think I don’t notice. You touch me ALWOT… and I REALLY hate it. I know that I give affection and we totally have had this conversation before that since I give it I should be able to recieve it… I can’t my dear. All the touching must cut in half. No more kicking or random poking… it really irritates me. I’m sorry… I can’t help it. In 3rd period… I sleep. I’m sorry, its what I do. Im conditioned now… Its a nasty little habit of a condition…. but its what I’ve grown used to. And when I do sleep you adapt and you talk to Linette and De. So, when you bitch about how I always sleep and I don’t talk to you… that makes me want to throw my desk at you. I just spent probably most of the previous period with you… right? What in the world is there to talk about that you can’t wait until lunch to talk about? Sometimes you don’t complain… like today. I loved today… [[Me, you, and Womb went to Olive Garden today.=D]]… Its like you knew that I was going to sleep because of the rain. And its moments like those that I love you for. We’ve been together for so long that our horomones basically can read each other… [[except I have a malfunction to tell when your mad or just being sarcastic... which my little mind can't handle.]]… that you basically know what I want… and sometimes vice versa. I’m like a book you say. So, my dear, don’t get lost in translation… Please stop all the “But if it were ___ you’d do it” it gets irritating. Sorry. I’m really trying to give you kudo points too, because for as much time as we spend together, your not too terribly bad all the time. =P. But… I guess its the moments that you upset me that I feel the urge to bag on you. I love you. I really do. Yes, I do have panic attacks when your upset with me. Its an event that very few have the ability to conjure out of me. Be grateful.

Almost done. I think… I haven’t decided. I should go to bed… But I wanna finish this…

3. Womb. My Sporkuh. My Bruh. =]. We’ve lost ourselves the past couple weeks. I have spoken little to none of you for the past couple weeks. You make me worry. You make me have nightmares. Stressful, you child. Rewind a couple months, I saw you everyday. I listened to you, I loved your very presents. I regret not taking it all in, not knowing how I’d go from seeing you everyday to feeling 1/3 empty everytime I didn’t see your car in the student parking lot. I needed you most when I was losing the light or when I was shoved off the pirate ship or when the muffins were a little too burnt. My mother tells me I’m a needy person. I discover how right she was when I wore your jacket to school and would take a couple sniffs of it to make it seem as though you were with me, surviving school along side me. It was like I had allowed you to come in at max capacity and yet you left me, chunked away like a cookie that was bitten into and not finished. I really did like that kid. He was different. He actually talked. Of course… connecting the dots… I could have killed him for “The Marine”… if only I had a bat with nails at the end of it… or a car that I could dispose of. Child! You mean so much to me. And I know alot to you… or at least I think I do… my soul survives on that hope. So… whenever I had you over I would invite him because… like Light… I was scared that you wouldn’t be happy without him. And I was semi-happy that I knew that you spent your nights with some character that actually laughed at my stupidity with me. But… at the end it just wasn’t worth the stamp of approval. He’s a jerkface… I think… from what I recall you telling me of why ya’ll broke up. Dear, its 1230 in the morning… Sorry if I don’t recall it all at hand… except that one thing…. that I could glomp you for and I’m sorry that you had to suffer that by yourself. You know what I speak of… I hope. But today… Me, you, and Luff Muffin, went to Olive Garden, it made me happy, for you to be there… although… I could have honestly survived without the investigation of how innocent I am. You damn well know how innocent I am. Jerkface. *covers self* I like it this way. And I’m sorry we couldn’t go the xmart… One day… I guess… if it makes you happy… T.T… But… going today… made me feel whole again… like you never left school… *glomp*… I would trade anything for you to just be there more often… but I can’t wish that if that is not what you can do. I understand you have a whole other life without me, like it was before me… but… a girl can dream right? You bring me stress child. But I love you. =]

OKAY!!! I CAN SAY I’M HONESTLY DONE BITCHING ABOUT MY FRIENDS!! Now just small updates:

I have found Heroes as a new addiction. My sister broke up with her boyfriend a little over what? A week ago? Or so… And she brought all her shit home. She had the first two seasons of Heroes… I haven’t stopped watching them. XDD. ITS ADDICTIVE!! But… I can’t watch whats on TV until I’m caught up… I refuse to watch until I’ve seen every episode. Although… That will be never. But! I love it. Its really great! *controllable squeal*. I likeuhduh show. Alwot. =]

Now to bed. =]

I used to call you Elizabeth. But, I found the perfect name for you. I don’t know your excuse. And I half don’t want to know. Really? You left. It was your fault for not having controlled your fucking horomones. You will cause pain. You’re like a cramp. He’s so afraid of you. He’s afraid he can’t say no. And that little fact causes so much pain. Of course everyone is going to fucking side with him. He’s never hurt you. Its always been you. Always! You were always the one to leave! As much as people change, really? A third time? God! It pisses me off that you absolutely have no idea how much you don’t realize you hurt him. You are so caught up with being greedy, trying to make yourself happy that it doesn’t even cross your mind that you being with him hurts him. Granted, that it used to not. He always wanted to be with you because you made him feel complete. You made him feel accepted and loved. You were, without a doubt, his first love. But tell me Jolene, what the fuck does it feel like when your first love, your first taste of the world, turns bitter? How the fucking hell can you fucking turn around, after being with another guy, turn back to him? He’s an idiotic, obnoxious ass. But he sure as hell deserves better then you. I don’t know you. I don’t. I wanted to be your friend. I really tried. And I can’t help but to find you a threat. It sucks because I want to be your friend because you find me funny, well…. sometimes. And you fit into my pants. >.>… But, really? Jesus Christ child. Because I find you a threat, I can’t help but to want you to find pain like he finds pain. You may hurt because of god-knows-what, if I wanted to know I would ask. But since you are you, I wouldn’t consider telling me anything, because I will use it against you. I’m nice until you piss me off. Don’t mess with my friends.

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene,
I’m begging of you please don’t take my man.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene,
Please don’t take him just because you can.

Jolene. ( Jolene.)
Jolene;; Dolly Paron.

I like him. I care for him. I want to be with him and only him. Its sad how hypocritical I am. I tell people to not be clingy and I comment how rediculous it is to read about them constantly wanting each other. But its not like I want to be with him at all times or that if I’m not with him I feel myself dying inside slowly. I want to be with him because me makes me feel special. Its that speical feeling that I’ve lacked for so long and now that I’ve got it, I want it constantly. How greedy I’ve become. But only he can do this to me… at the moment. I feel jealous when I look at her. How long she’s had him and how much she knows about him. I want to hang her by her toes and force her to tell me everything. But that would be obsessive. >.>… I want to find out what he tells me. I want to find out things by myself. But when he’s constantly thinking of her… I don’t compare. I look at her blog and I worry that he’s the subject and I worry. If she asks him back will he go back? He’s been hurt so many times. We all know if he was with me I wouldn’t hurt him… but whats the price? With every one thing that makes someone happy, you have to get rid of things. Its called balance. I’ll be with him but he’ll be thinking of someone dear to me. He’s going away. I want to ask him out. I can’t. What if he finds someone? Someone better? Someone prettier? Someone that actually has confidence? I see myself making my move. I repeat it constantly over and over in my head. But to actually lean over and do it, I can’t. What if it sets off wrong things? What if it doesn’t end up like the happy fairy tale? What if it makes things awkward between us? What if it wasn’t meant to be? I know I won’t end up with this kid. I won’t make him happy. I’ll be scared to touch him. I’ll be too scared to say anything. Too scared to hurt him. I am of no comparison to her. She had him for so long. I hate her. I envy her. If she were to come back would he run back? First loves are a bitch when it comes to that. I just don’t want to finally get him and lose him. After a year… its been a year… God. T.T. What if I ask him and he says no? What if he doesn’t look at me as more then a friend… like he always has. Its been almost a month since they broke up. She was the fucking whore that broke up with him. She couldn’t control her fucking horomones and didn’t ignore them, leaving him for another guy. HE DESERVES MORE THAN THAT! And now I fear that he is the one she writes about. Jealousy and curiosity haunt me. So many unanswered questions. And I can’t bring myself to ask him them. I don’t want to make it about me. I’m greedy enough inside my head. I can’t bring myself to make start off a domino effect of ruining the world that I had taken so long to create. A sanity that had survived so many heart breaks, so many of them caused by him. I want to be with him so he’s not lonely. I want to be with him because I fear what other people will do to him if I’m not. I’m probably a freak for even wanting all of this.

Sometimes the edge serves
As more than a friend
Than you thought it would be
And the pages you write
In your journal each night
Are your only release
And the mask you put on
It’s like words in a song
But there’s more to be seen
And the failures you see
Don’t seem failures to me here at all

Oh I’m begging you no
There’s more life left to go
Oh I’m begging you please
Cause I don’t want you to leave. –
Life Left To Go; Safetysuit.

So, my valentines started on Friday The 13th. It was the bomb diggity beyond bomb diggities. No one could have had a better Valentines. Yeah, I lacked a valentine, but who the hell needs one when you’ve got dependable best friends that can do what boyfriends/girlfriends can do, and more. Well… minus sex. And thats okay. I’ve survived this long without it.
My parents left for Washington DC, where my sister lives, for her birthday for the weekend, leaving me alone. So, I invited Serenity and Nina over to keep me company. =]
The day started Friday, at lunch when Nina and I got “Mr. Schmitty.” Mr. Schmitty is our adopted bear. At the end of lunch we went up to my neighbor who was eating lunch at his regular table. He acused me of stealing his chance of adopting a bear. I did. =P. I WANTED TO BE THE FATHER! && I am dammit. =].
“I know where you live.” – him.
“I know where you live too!” – me. [[He lives in the house behind mine. Or so, I think. >.>]]
“OH!” -Nina- “You should come over! We’re having orgies!”
I instantly noticed tension. His hands shot up to the woman across from him. His mom. Embaressment washed over me. I hadn’t met his mom until that moment. I don’t know why I cared but I couldn’t help but to think that his mom’s first impression of me was a sex fiend because of the “orgies”. I dragged Nina away, embaressed as hell, and bitched the whole way to 4th period, making her feel bad. It wasn’t intended to make her feel bad, but I was talking outloud to myself and she was there. I was so fucking embaressed. But, the day only got better from that moment.
I went home after school to clean my bathroom, because, lets face it, it was pretty gross. I won’t give any details about it but just imagine a dirty bathroom. I cleaned it and made ramen noodles for Serenity because I knew she would be hungry when she got done with her service hours at the Library. I finished making it and waited for her to call me from the library to tell me she was on her way. I went to play rockband while I waited. She called and came over. She ate the ramen noodles and we mostly just hung out, waiting for Nina to be done with her dinner with her aunt and uncle that were down from Daytona Beach… I think… I don’t remember.
Serenity and I gossip and end up talking each other into going to Movie Gallery to get movies. We end up buying movies instead of renting: 28 Weeks Later; Candy; Deception; && Saw III. I was really happy. Nina was going to bring: RockNRolla; Sweeney Todd; Sleepy Hollow; && August Rush. [[Sleepy Hollow && August Rush were mine.]]
Serenity and I get home and discover… I left my keys at Movie Gallery. We start spazzing out, speically since Serenity had to… uh… nevermind. We call Nina to ask if she could drop by Movie Gallery and pick up Belle; My keys, because of my keychain; from Movie Gallery. Still being in town she did. We break in before Nina gets to my house and we wait for Nina to get there. When Nina gets there… My world is complete.
Serenity goes into my room to find… Flappy Jack. “Flappy Jack” is a Jack Skellington pen with a Jack head that wobbles on the top of the pen. She apparently finds this excruciatingly funny. Nina and I end up laughing AT her. “So, no more brownies?” because a party isn’t complete without RaeBrownies. “NO!” Serenity still laughs her ass off. I make them anyways, cause I really wanted chocolate. But, when do I not want chocolate?… Have you seen Bridget? Yeah… I really like Chocolate. We settle down to watch movies after the brownies are made, Serenity finally stopped laughing. I sit between my favorite people and have the brownie dish on my lap as we consume it with forks. =P
We watched Candy first. Heath Ledger was so fucking amazing. Like AHHH! Its about a couple that have for serious Heroin addictions. I won’t ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it. && If you haven’t seen it you seriously need to ask me to borrow it. Its dragging, like some things really shouldn’t have been lingered on. But, it was great.
Around 10:30 or so… I hear something. I ignored it thinking I was just being stupid. Then, my house phone rang… BLAKE! I was so fucking happy. She talked to us for a bit. She told me about a job opening at her work place that made me do mental flips. But I got the feeling of being rude and had to let her go, still wishing she could come over. [[She had to work a double the following day, && I didn't want her to lack sleep for it. So I "uninvited" her.]]
RockNRolla was next. I end up falling asleep. T.T. Sorry! I was warm and comfortable between them! Turns out I was the character: Bob. I don’t really recall why I was Bob, but next to the fact that we was pretty awesome like I am. =P. Nina was Gerard Butler’s character, One Two… Because… lets face it… She’s obsessed. =P, && that’s okay. Serenity was the black man Mumbles, because, we could all totally see Serenity being Mumbles. =P. It was 3 hours long! It was good… what I saw… funny as hell… but SUPER LONG! I can handle long movies, for the most part Ima sucker for them… but… I was tired. I woke up and watched the last 30 minutes or so…
After we watched RockNRolla, we decided we were tired && all piled into my queen bed. Nina slept in the middle.
At 9:30 I heard my dogs barking… those assfucks. I got up and let them out… but they were already out. I check on Serenity and Nina who were both still asleep. I let them outside and start the coffee pot. My phone still lay on the counter from the night before, both of theirs on the counter charging like good phones should. I go into my room and put my phone on the charger and Serenity jolts up. I lock eyes with her and leave the room. She follows me back into the kitchen.
We wait a couple minutes until the coffee is done being made and then she speaks.
“Can I have a waffle?”
“No,” I go for the refrigerater and pull out the waffle box and get her two and stick them into the toaster/mini oven thing.
I pull out the eggs and bread to toast.
“Are we gonna have like this huge breakfast thing?” she asked.
“No…” I think… “Do you want eggs too?”
Serenity Puppy eyes and smile. “Yes.” =]. I happily make her eggs. She warms up frozen sausages in the microwave for both of us. We both make ourselves coffee [[Mine doused with sugar and creamer//Her's the same but in a small cup.]] and she starts to each as I finish off making my own. I get worried if I should make Nina some, in fear that if I don’t make them she’ll feel left out, but if I do make them and she doesn’t wake up they’ll get cold. Serenity says shes awake and she enters the kitchen. I make her breakfast like my own. [[Coffee: Creamer. No sugar.]] We all eat in the kitchen. Nina gets too full to finish her breakfast… You’re a best friend when you still eat the breakfast when its covered in best friend germs. >.>… They get it. After breakfast, Serenity decides she doesn’t want to go to the library and stay with us. We sit around and watch TV… The end of Bridget Jone’s Diary. && something else. At the end of that something else, Serenity needed to get ready for her Valentine’s Day date with her beau, Damien. She goes through my closet so she could wear one of my shirts, instead of her regular old ones… that aren’t bad… but she wanted something new. She ended up being AMAZING GORGEOUS! in my black robot shirt. She left her hair wavy and =]. She’s always so pretty. Lucky whore. =]. We took pictures on Nina’s computer of the beautiful child and then the three of us.
After she left, Nina and I finished wathing another Renee Zellwegger movie, Down With Love. It wasn’t amazing, but we actually enjoyed it. Ewan McGreger is in it. =D. That pretty beast. Turns out at the end of Down With Love, it was about… 5? or so. I don’t remember. We checked our myspaces, decided that we were going into town and get chinese and rent a movie/game, all on her expense. We ended up getting a Sonic The Hedgehog game. =]. Yay! She knows me all too well, that whore. =P. We got home, it was dark. We ate a little of our chinese, still full from our lunch. [[Sammichs and the remainder of the brownies.]] We played Sonic until round 1130 or so, and I decided I was tired. I ate a lot of my chinese, but then… Angus finished it off for me. I almost shot him in the fucking head. >.>… We went to bed.
We got up and made coffee.
“Whatcha want for breakfast?” I ask.
She goes to the frig and pulled out buscuits I had requested from Mom. We made them and started to play more Sonic. We got passed the level that we couldn’t get passed the night before. We were relieved. =D.
But like all stories… time and reality comes back into play. Nina had to go to dinner/lunch at her Uncle’s like she does every sunday. She left around 1130… leaving Mr. Schmitty and her pillow here for me. =].
This year, was by far, the best Valentine’s Day… EVER!

I couldn’t survive a fucking month. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be happy for a month. Its so funny how shit started to tear up right after I posted the previous blog. I just… grrr… Unbelieveably. Its so fucking unbelieveable.

1. Its great how I would like to wrap my long fingers around Blake’s neck and bash it against a fucking brick. She’s gotten so confusing lately. One minute she was cool and relaxed, which I adored. The next minute she’s hard core christian, which I totally and completely supported, a bit taken back from the reverse of lifestyles, but I was growing used to it. But then the next minute she’s going back to her “old days”. I don’t know what she was like during those days && I don’t want to know. She’s met this guy. She’s totally and completely wrapped up in him. She was happy. She is happy. But when people have to worry about her is when something is wrong. Its not just me. Its her other best friend. We’re both worried sick of her. I’ve never actually spoken to her best friend until today, but we’re both deathly sick for her. When she barges into our classroom all pissed off over the smallest things… when she’s more argumentive then normal… when she decides not to protect herself! I don’t blame him. I blame her for not even trying to stay the same. I felt the distance that had fallen between the two of us, so I asked her for Us time. I want her still. I love her. She told me she was excited. Forgive me for actually getting excited myself! FUCKING GETTING BLOWN OFF!!! I’ll be here whenever she accepts that she has changed. I’ll be here whenever she has come to her senses && the “addiction” has settled down a bit. I love her. I can’t let her go. Forgive me for getting pissed off. My greed has taken over again. For that mere sin to even go close to taking over, makes you speical to me. Its a sign that I love you. You know how sensative I am. You know that I’m sensative to this sort of shit. This is what I see. I don’t know what the fuck its like to have the “addiction” or what you’re going through with your move and your new guy. But, understand that you HAVE to consider what the people that love you and you love too… Its wrong of you to be so self-centered.

2. I’m tired of liking Jack. I’ve grown obsessive. I’ve noticed stupid small things. Every time he looks at me, my heart goes faster. I don’t know why its him. He’s so obnoxious, oblivious, sensative, and overconfident at times I wish to run him over with his broken car. I went for a while literally thinking “My crush for him in the only thing thats normal in my life.” What the fuck was I thinking? He’s so oblivious to everything! He and I are friends. But there isn’t enough strength in my pillars to help me not obsess. I can’t find it in myself to step down from crush to just friends. No crush. No weak knees. No speeding heart. Just friends. I’m just “sweet n’ low” – the sugar substitute [Thank you Rebecca]. But I refuse to be anymore! I refuse to be such a view. I wish to still be a shoulder, I wish to still be an ear. But for some reason I can’t grasp that that is all. The irony he told me Monday [11-3] was so rediculously funny. “She bitches about her boyfriends, I just wait. I’ve liked her for a while. We just have that connection. I just wait for her…” Or something along that line. XDDD Its so fucking funny. But I’m done. I’m tried of having pointless Knight attacks since in a couple years none of them will matter. I’ll find someone new, someone that notices… I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it all…

3. Little things are pissing me off. Little things are driving me insane. My buttons are being pushed too many times, at the wrong time. I’m getting pissed off at the wrong people, at weird times, and over the stupidest things, but I can’t block shit anymore. I can to a point. Hell! Even my mom saw how upset I was tonight! I felt so broken, so replaced, so used. Whatever. I’ll get over myself.

4. I still need a fucking job. I’m trying. My mother looks down upon me. I’m not my sisters. It disappoints her that I am not. T.T

For some strange reason, I’ve been happy lately. Like… I find myself smiling more often, blocking out that cloggy depressed feeling that has haunted me since late July.

1. I think… Now… I’ve finally come to terms with Sharon. I can hang around them and once more feel complete. Although I have yet to get “the talk”… which would require a certain level of chivalry to come out and play… For now… I feel as though I don’t need it. I say this now… && hell will break loose… DAMMIT!

2. I’ve found someone that is in the EXACT same position as I am, in relationship. He cares for someone immensely, but knows he can never have her. People have been curious why I’ve chosen to tell him stuff. But… I do it because I have grown to love said character, and I think half of me thinks hes grown to love me too. And because of our similarities, we are brought closer.
=]

3. Although all the happiness and jollygood dancing have been accuring, I find myself blocking out more stuff. All the little things like, Nina’s little meltdowns about Ama, Womb’s kick in the shin, Kid bouncing around like hes on steriods… I seem to forget it all. I found myself pushing all my pissed off-y-ness, into weight lifting. All the times I’ve wanted to pounce Kid && claw his eyes out for existing; All those times I’ve wanted to slam Nina against a wall for Mindfucking me… I push into weight lifting. First period is too short… I wish it were longer….

4. I saw Byrd. [10-16-08]. Its been 3 years since I saw him last. I was a freshman when he left… like a jerk. && I saw him for the first time. It was unbelieveable. Although I didn’t cry, I got enough of him. Enough to wait until his godson/daughter is done to see him again. I blame him for all those missing years. *Winks.* =]

Yeah… Its my fault. No sarcasm. No puns. I’m going to try to pull all my thoughts together, although I’m sure that you’d understand it anyways. Sigh.

There’s been alot of shit going on inside that I regret. I feel as though it all has come crumbling down like a tower with a wrecking ball. Its as if I had the life sucked out of me and replaced with a new life that has a less immune wall.

I’ve come to terms of where I’m at in your life. Or… I think I have… er… thought I had. I keep thinking that number two isn’t bad. Its better then be lower. In my head I keep repeating that being number two is amazing. But for some reason, I keep backing it up with thoughts that make me feel unloved and pitiful. She has all she needs. She doesn’t need me anymore. I can’t bring her happiness like he can. I promise you, I want to stop it all. And I thought I was trying my hardest to make it all come to an end. I thought that the past month was actually working. In my head, I didn’t become jealous whenever I saw ya’ll walking together, I thought that was progress. And the mere fact that I could actually be around ya’ll during a makeout feast, I thought that that was success. But what you said in the journal, made me break. All of it was for nothing. “Everyone has basically come to terms with us. Except Shadow, but she has issues.” Thanks, by the way. Made me realize how much I really did have issues.

We went over this. I explained this all to you. I thought you would accept it. Yeah, we didn’t talk for a little bit. But we got past that. We actually over came that little fact that I stepped back. Why can’t you of “all fucking people, grasp” that I can’t leave you. Sure. You can sure as hell leave me without hesitation. But I have a soul, and can’t have that. I backed off so I don’t depend all my sanity on you. It doesn’t even enter your mind that I’m doing this for the both of us. I’m doing this for you so I don’t go through one of these little “breakdowns” and you raise all hell on me, such as this. If I step back I won’t have breakdowns because I wouldn’t have put all this shit on your plate. As a teenager, I know you have a shitload on your plate as it is. I don’t want to be the fly in your soup. Fuck! Do you honestly think I would do this purposely? Do you honestly fucking think that I would fucking try to seperate myself from the only person that I thought understood me without a reason? You might not think its a logical but you have to fucking get it through your fucking skull that this is for you!! I do everything for you! You! The only person I would take a fucking bullet without regret or hesitation. I might not be your number one, but you are mine. Its like none of it matters anymore….. Sigh. Breathe. Damn you for not understanding.

Its amazing how you don’t understand that I could give a damn about that kid. I could care less for him. Yeah, he made me feel speical. But nothing compared to you. He came with butterflies and happy shit like that. But you came with security and comfort. I grew too homey to that feeling. Its only natural to want the comfort over anything else. Damn you. You think that I would leave you for him. Damn you!! This is the thing that distraughts me the most.

Why the fuck do you think I would put chicks before dick?? When it is you that has. When it is you that have not tried hard enough to balance shit out… when you’re not even trying anymore.

You’re up there with her. You’re no different then she is. There are hardly no differences, besides the fact that her and I don’t see each other every day. I reassure you, you’re far better. You at least tried. But… no. Forgive me for lingering on the past. Its one of my manya flaws.

I know its all my fault. I keep over thinking it. I keep wanting shit to come back. I keep wanting shit to go back to the way they used to be. Back when I smiled for no reason. Back when we’d meet each other in random parts of the school so we could walk each other to class. But it won’t. It never will.

I damn near killed you. It was my fault that you were behind the fucking handlebars of a vehicle you couldn’t control. I keep telling myself that I was teaching you and that you can’t learn without being behind the wheel. You keep asking me why do you have to be protected from any impure thoughts. You keep wanting me to answer it. The only answer is because I love you. Its like it doesn’t even process. You turn just seconds too late to get a glance of it. I actually phyically hurt you. That alone makes me distraught. It was all for nothing.

Greedy me. Clinginess. Possessiveness. Want. Crave. Avarice.

I came to you broken. Its only right for me to leave broken.

But you’re right… maybe this might as well be the end.

I never knew perfection ’till
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?
It’s not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…
A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane
The city looks so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears
So you’re sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s alright
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah. 
I’m not fine, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break, baby.

Better That We Break – Maroon 5.