10 People.
This is supposed to be on Myspace… But… I don’t like to post blogs on myspace anymore… I’ve scrambled them [no particular order] so you don’t really know which one is you… ur screwed. Sooo here it is:
1. Ah. It is your turn. There has been so much shit going on. It’s all confusing. It’s all so confusing. I wish I could just make it go away. You don’t care about it anymore; I don’t think you even consider it anymore. You probably don’t even think of me anymore. I’m glad we became friends. You’re very important to me. By far one of my favorites.
2. There’s a little amount I can say about you. I didn’t think we’d be such good friends. And at first I feared that I was using you unconciously. We had shit in common. && I loved it. But I was afraid I was using you for entertainment in my classes and for your smarts. But when you were gone, I knew I liked you, because I worried. XD. =]. I wanted to come to his funeral. But I think I left out of town. You were gone for two weeks. I worried. I’m glad we became friends. You bring retarded laughter back into my life. You tell me that its okay to be retarded sometimes. I like it alwot. =D
3. Light of my Life. You mean to me what those words are supposed to mean. Just entering into a room, my comfort level shoots up. Even if you’re upset with me. I literally feel as if the world lights up whenever you smile. It makes me feel as though the room gets warmer, like the sun. My heart becomes a regular beat. Almost complete. I’m sorry I’m possessive. I do it cause I love you to an unbelieveable extent.
4. When I was in middle school, I actually thought I would never see you again. Ninth grade didn’t help. But when The Destroyers were united once more, I was more then excited to see you. I hadn’t a fuking clue what to say to you. So I started off with the universal conversation starter: your accessories. You wore that idiotic Naruto thing. You are the world’s largest idiot. But you are by far one of my favorites. I love you. It sucks ass that we don’t get to hang out as much as I wish we do. T.T. BUT WE WILL! WE WILL! THE DESTROYERS WILL RISE AGAIN!
5. It’s impossible how much I have to remind you that you too mean the world to me. I hate that you think that if you leave my life will be at a satified level. I need you. I have friends for different reasons. You’re reason is to put logic to my emotion. Yeah, you lose it sometimes. But that’s okay. We must all have our times. It just sucks when we have it at the same time. XD. But we’ll survive.
6. Oh How its been so long, and yet you play a crucial role in my play called Life. I remember as if it was yesterday the first time I saw your face. I was young, naive, had no fuking clue how much you would mean to me. Didn’t think much of you except for the fact that you knew what you were doing and I hadn’t a clue. Wow. Has it really been that long? God. I wish to see you. I wish to wrap my arms around you. I owe you so much. I owe you for being there whenever I needed someone to talk to, and actually put up with my shit, although I know I was a total bitch at times. I feel bad for what I had made you do. Forgive me. I know you don’t think of it anymore, since you… you know, preoccupied. We have different lives. I wish our lives entwined more. I’d be at peace.
7. Wow. I never knew how much I could care for someone in such a little time. It’s like… wow. I completely adore you. It’s impossible. You’re always smiling. It’s like you know the most amazing thing to say. Your gorgeous! I love it! Your everything I wish I was. I hate you. NO WAIT! *huggles* *whispers 1 secret magic word that makes the world spin*. =]. I la u bunches.
8. Oh Darlin, take a bow. You have enchanted me with your words for so long. You basically had my world in your hands. You meant everything to me. When you left, you took everything from me. You ruled my world for too long. You were the star of the play. You’ve scarred me with your performance. I gave you love. And I know you gave it back to me. But “I Love You” && “I’m Sorry” don’t cover everything. Close the curtain; You’re act is for shit now.
9. I love how we have so much in common, its not even close to funny. =D. You’re great. You really are. I’m sorry I haven’t come to terms with things. But I’ll try my damnest, I really will try. It’ll take a bit warming up to. But I would like to be on better terms. I know you don’t notice. But I don’t want to survive the rest of our friendship on thinking that things aren’t the way they should be. You’re great with words, maybe one day you’ll say the right thing to win me over. I look forward to hearing those words. =]
10. I don’t even talk to you anymore, and its amazing how much you affect my actions. It’s amazing that you still make my heart stop at the very thought of you. Its unreal. You’re the only person I haven’t forced out of my life from my old life and yet we hardly see or talk to each other. It’s like I don’t even matter. It’s like you don’t know the affect on me. It makes me go hysterical. You make me go hysterical. I guess its why I’ve toned down on you so much. I don’t like going hysterical. XD. My new life is helping me think less of you. No… like.. I don’t think of you as often as I used to. We have seperate lives. But, god, how I love you. Asshole.
Womb.
You have inspired me today. Although you didn’t stay long, you said something that inspired me to move on from Jack. You told me that you were “finding a new love interest”. It was quite odd, how this one out of all of the ones I’ve heard/watched you go through, changed me. These past few weeks, as we all know, have been hell for me, espeically with this Jack character standing in the way. My stomach rolled at the sight of him, I would constantly be thinking of ways to wave around my day to see how many times I could at least get a glance of him, how I would make myself sick because he wasn’t with me but with some other chick. It was horrid. Its not a stupendious way to live, and I hated every minute of it. I hate liking someone because of the way my body reacts when I see them or when their around. I hate it. Its the soul reason why I don’t allow myself the pleasure of having crushes. Just the way that you live your life, I wish I lived. Although you have things that you don’t let the world see, you still live as though you haven’t had your “bad” days. I love how you can do that. You’re always laughs and smiles around me. It cheers me up. You don’t even have to try. Its like a 6th sense. =D. I wish I could go up to someone and start conversation, and I think I shall try. I’ve been saying this for the longest time. But new times call for new adventures. =]. I shant not forget my friends, I hope they travel with me. Since I am totally dependant, almosty parasite like to ya’ll, I need ya’ll to travel with me. Like Food. I need ya’ll to survive.
It truely has been destiny.
I love you. Womb.
Watching Where The Pieces Fall.
This week has been shitty.
I knew that Jack wouldn’t pick me the moment there was a “triangle” between Blake, Myself, and Him. He and Blake go way back and I was just convenient. If he liked me the way I thought he did then he would have even considered me. It hurt that when the three of us were together he would linger over her. To watch him and her be together. When all he was concerned about was how he could be with her. Like I said before. I love Blake. I really do. I’m still lingering on how I felt for him. I saw him today and I went swoon over his presense. I felt color leave my face when I had to stand next to him. I felt myself want to puke at the small details I happened to notice today. I wanted to cry and stuff. I kept my eyes closed most of the song to keep my wall up so I didn’t cry in front of him. It pisses me off I noticed it. I knew it was there but I didn’t really see it until today. Jesus! I need to get over myself.
It pisses me off that I can’t talk to Serenity without talking to Damien too. She texted me the other morning asking me if it was selfish to want to hang out with me. To be honest, I didn’t want her to see me like I was/am. I didn’t want her to see me weak from some kid. I didn’t want her to see that I ran to the bathroom every couple hours just in case my stomach decided to fuck up and really puke, when all it was was butterflies. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see her like we used to, back when guys didn’t matter. I miss her from those days. Back in the days when she didn’t have a boyfriend in tow, or when she didn’t get depressed when she didn’t have said boyfriend around. She blew me off when she was with him. It was the most hurtful thing that had occured to me this past week. How much we wanted to hang out and she totally blew me off. She apologized but by this time I was numb. I was numb to anything. A frikkin dart could have been thrown into my eye and I wouldn’t have cared. Her hug, her smell, her words, none of it hit me. The only thing I cared about at that moment is how I didn’t care. She says she tries to find balance. I can’t get over the fact that I lost one of my best friends to sex. I can’t afford to lose another. Forgive me for being paranoid. For being paranoid about my sanity. Being paranoid about who my best friend is. I love her with everything in me. Maybe I am being possessive. Maybe I am wanting her to myself. But the sane me just wants me to just want her whenever I need her. Not Damien. I want to tell her whatever the hell is going on. I want to be able to be honest with her and tell her something is underneath my skin. But I’m too scared. She says she won’t leave. 98% of me believes her. But that 2% is growing bigger with every passing day, with every additional bite, with moment I see them together. Knight is taking over and making himself a harder shell to puncture.
My grandmother had a stroke friday morning. I didn’t break until I had to call my other grandmother and ask her to put Memaw on her church’s prayer list. Now, I’m not a huge church fan, but I felt as though, maybe a little help from the big guy can help. I also thought about: What if it was G-ma? I felt so bad. I felt so bad for not calling/talking to her. I get to the hospital and half the damn family is there. I knew instantly that things would change. My mother would soon plan to go see her everyday. My mother has missed out on alwot of stuff because of work and because of this. She doesn’t know how I got kicked out for a couple hours && how I had to walk to Nina’s Mom’s house. She doesn’t know any of this with Jack. I want her to know. I don’t want to get in trouble. I don’t want to be told that it’s just a phase. Its pathetic how much I am like her. I see a shitload of myself in her. She doesn’t know me well enough to know. But I know. I see. I just… dread. She doesn’t know how much I’m tearing myself apart. Choking on my own selfpity. She doesn’t know about the Jeep… unless Stepfather told her. I’m sure he told her about the Jeep. But… Sigh. The Jeep was takin away from me… again. I really want to take care of the Jeep. I really do try. Sigh. I don’t wash it, && I don’t keep it clean. But… Its my number2 baby, next to my dog. Sigh. I feel as though my family is against me because I lack a job and I don’t have two years of college under my belt. I want to whack all of my family that thinks of me as my sisters. I want to shoot all those fukers that think that I’m going to end up like them. I refuse to end up like them since I am not them. I will end up happy in my own way Dammit!
Captain Jack VI.
Today, my g-ma had a stroke. I was in the hospital all day. My cuzn wanted to come down with me, to see me. To meet Jack. She got the oppertunity.
We snuck to the park on the way home. Just the two of us. I was all butterflies, not knowing what to expect. I was jumpy and excited, nervous and anxious. I had made myself sick, wanting to puke all of which I had nothing in my stomach at the very thought of this meeting. My cuzn and I pull up and two band kids pull up. We talk, Cuzn tries. Then Jack and another band kid appears. Cuzn and I watch them play Raquet ball. Cuzn is trying to give me hints to try and expose myself to him. Give him subliminal flirting hints. I laugh and shake my head. “Be myself” I kept telling her. One of the band kid’s mom called them and wanted them home. Jack makes the band kid he bought, go home with them. They leave. Cuzn, Jack, & I go to the playset. Me and Jack are on the swings. I try to make it not happen. At this point I dont want to know what he wants to say. I dont want to know what he has to say. Cuzn gets a call from her dad, we lie. “I have to shower anyways. I’m not pretty,” her excuse to go home. “So… I think u should go ahead so I can talk to Rae.” My stomach dropped. My heart beats slightly faster. I walk beside him, slowing my pace. “So basically, I think you should forget about me.” Walls. My walls shoot up like fucking rockets. I’m shielded with numbness before any pain can even get a head start. He goes into a monologue about how he and his exgirlfriend are talking again, and might hook up. “It makes me happy to know she doesnt hate me. How we just miss each other.” I hear and accept all of this information, although I truely really just wanted to claw his eyes out. “We’ll hang out tomorrow right?” God how I wanted to cry. I wanted to jump into Cuzn’s truck and run his fucking ass over. “Yeah. I’ll call you.” I reply. I call Serenity. I tell her this: “With my luck, I am Molly. Damien picked you. But with my luck… I was destined to be denied because you got Damien.” Not as though it was her fault, it just seemed like a good analogy to go on. Pardon me, I was in an undescrible mood. Then I call Blake. I tell her the update. She wants to yell at him. “I didn’t pull myself out of the equation so he can go off and go with [her]. I would rather him date me then her! This doesn’t sit well with me.” And so forth. At least one of us wants to kick his ass. I decide that Nina would be online and I would tell her online. Blake told me I was “upset”. I went with that and let her go. I sit around and linger. I decide to shower. I’m yelling at him the whole time. I nik myself shaving and think. I think real hard. And I successfully resist and hold back a wall of pain that has been held back by my wall. I wipe the blood and get out. I dress and get on myspace to read a bulletin from the exgirlfriend.
Where is the person you want most?
Idk where he’s at exactly.
But he’s in a diff state.
Who was your last call from?
Jack. -_-
Where is your ex?
Don’t care too much.
Do you miss him/her ?
Not alot.
Are you moved on ?
Jeez.
I laugh hysterically at this. I laugh at how I was rejected a second time because of this. I laugh at how much pain he would be in at the sight of this. I laugh at the mear fact that I actually let my wall down for this character and he rejected me… twice and that this is payback. Someone somewhere loves and hates me. XD. I’m no longer hurt. I await for him to meet with me later.
I’m not mad or upset. A bit hurt, but I guess its normal.
You told me not to give up. I didn’t. And now this.
I am rejected… for a second time.
Thanks. Now I have a reason to put my walls up.
It was you who I put my walls down for. Now I guess it was all for nothing.
Read her bulletin. Then tell me if it was worth it. *Laughs Hysterically*.
But now I guess… there is no more Jack. No more Butterfly Man. No more of this.
I hope we can be Friends.
A bulletin I sent shortly after I read her bulletin. I hope he gets it. I hope we can be friends. I hope he realizes that not even Kaitlin got a third chance. I hope so. God I hope so.
Captain Jack IV.
The day started like every day has for the past week or so. Except I had woken to Nina sleeping quietly beside me. We had to register for classes. The phone rang. I run to catch the last ring. But by then the person had hung up. I had called Serenity back to get: “Better get here now. There’s a long ass line.” I wake Nina up. We take out sweet time to get to the high school in The Jeep since her car decided to be queer and decided not to start. We get there and there are a shitload of people there. We meet Serenity && Damien there. We get into the room and Netnet is there and a couple of my homeroom girls including Blake. Blake and her friend are there. And then… I become aware of Jack’s mom. Jack is sitting in the desk in front of her. I try not to freak out and becomes quite successful… until I see one of my math buddies over there and I feel the need to say hi. I become very aware that Jack is staring at me. I feel his eyes. I suck in my belly and try to become invisible. We talk about what classes we do. He tries to convince me to take some more classes that he was in but I couldn’t since I decided to fuck up and get intensive reading… which I don’t understand. Jack asks me if he can hang out. Him being Jack… I accept. I’m thrilled until Blake asks to hang out too. Blake is Jack’s pomme de sang. He craves her. The past week has been hell, for the two of them. Blake liked him. He liked Blake. Stuff happens. Blake is “no relationship”. Jack is “want relationship”. They clash. Jack is now is rebound. He feels his heart being broken at the sight of her. Sigh…. >.>… I love Blake. FROM WOMB! And I want to hang out with her. I take Nina home and we clean for a little bit until, Blake and her friend show up. 15 minutes later, awkward. Jack walks in to see Blake. We play Mario Party, Blake’s friend just watches as: Me, Blake, Jack, && Nina play. The whole time I’ve become more aware of Jack and Blake’s closeness. I have miniature Knight Attacks right in front of them. I like how none of them noticed. Not even Nina. Which is truely okay. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t want to have to explain it to any of them. Blake and her friend want to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. We get through 20 rounds before Blake and her friend have to go. They leave after watching us contemplate over whos going, can we go, and stuff. Blake and her friend leave. Jack pulls me to the side and Nina was sent, by Jack, to the car. He pulls me into my bedroom. He kept calling himself an idiot/ass, explaining himself the past couple days. “I should have chosen you, knowing that you have never hurt me.” I felt honored. And hurt. I told him, “I don’t want to date you unless you really like me.” “I do.” My stomach drops and twists. Like the Electric Slide. Then I go numb when he pulls me into a hug. I inhale and try not to let him realize I was doing so. “No. Its okay. You’re not an ass. Don’t worry about my feelings.” We finally decide: Jack pays for Nina, myself, and himself, as long as Nina drives && pays for food. On the ride there, he rides shotgun. He reaches back to me through the space between the door and the seat, and plays with my pantleg. I poke his hand to keep it away and we end up playing… hands-ie? Kinda like footsie… but not really?… O.o…. We go to see Sisterhood although we wanted to see: Pineapple Express. Seating order from outside in: Blake’s friend, Blake, Jack, myself, && Nina. We survive the movie. I blush at the kiss scenes and I block my eyes from the “LETS HAVE SEX!” scene, laughing too hard on the inside. For some scenes, I wanted to touch his hand, although I didn’t. He tapped my leg for a moment [One of the scenes I was laughing hysterically on the inside.] On the way home, Nina drives, I ride shotgun, and Jack is in back. Jack is emo. I stick my hand back, and we play for a couple seconds until I sense his hand by my shoulder. I look in the side mirror to notice. He wraps his hands around my neck and starts massaging. =D. I pull my hand to where our thumbs touch. We stay like that for most the ride home until Serenity calls. No more… thumbs. T.T…. Nina has dinner with her mom and leaves Jack and I at my house. My stepfather is home. An awkward 30 minutes that was. I was kicked out of my house the night before for “being lazy” + he had a “bad day.” [I went back that night, after I got an apology.] Jack starts conversation with Stepfather, thank god, and peels away 10 minutes. “How do you feel about going to Serenity’s?” Jack asked me. I asked Stepfather, he “didn’t care.” We left. Jack has had feelings for Serenity since the end of last school year… you know… about the same time I started to find feelings for him. Yeah… my luck is a bitch to me. We go to play Wii: Serenity, Jack, myself, && Serenity’s brother. We play Mario Party [again]. The whole time we’re making Sexual Jokes, that came from everywhere. Serenity had spent the last six hours getting bitten by Damien… SHE HAD FUKING BRUISES EVERYWHERE! Grrr…. But she was happy as fuck. And its not like its illegal. Soo… I let it slide. The whole time its: Jack&Serenity, Myself&Serenity’sbrother, Jack&myself. We finish thirty long rounds [I win.] && Jack and I decide to leave. We go to his house for about 20 minutes, his mother got amazing clothes bargins. She got him a good dozen shirts and two pair of pants and flipflops. He was going to just take me home until…. Blake calls. “I was trying to explain to my mother who Bridget was. And I wanted to show her. COME OVER!” I ask Jack is he wants to go. He didn’t want to. But he knew I did. I couldn’t pick. If Jack didn’t want to go… I wouldn’t have gone. But… He didn’t say no. I kinda felt bad for him. I wanted to reach for his hand. I didn’t. We get to Blake’s and Jack’s mood went from: Estatic Ego to Emo Child. Blake’s mom went on about how her “thighs are big and how they talk.” Yeah… I was a bit scared myself… XD… We watch a good hour and a half of Hannibal. We eat $5 romen noodles Jack bought. The whole time we’re watching the movie, Blake and Jack are on the couch making conversation I could vaguely hear. I didn’t care. I started having a Knight Attack in Blake’s home. I felt fire in my stomach. Half of me wanted to puke the food back up. But… I was hyper off of Pepsi….=DDDD…. None of me could cry as much as I wanted to. Jack decided to take a leave after Blake decides to fall asleep. I couldn’t stay there. I walked to the car, turning around once. He said something too quiet for me to hear and she went back inside. We got to the car. We started to talk about… I don’t remember. Then we got to my house….
