Xxshadowraexx’s Weblog

For some strange reason, I’ve been happy lately. Like… I find myself smiling more often, blocking out that cloggy depressed feeling that has haunted me since late July.

1. I think… Now… I’ve finally come to terms with Sharon. I can hang around them and once more feel complete. Although I have yet to get “the talk”… which would require a certain level of chivalry to come out and play… For now… I feel as though I don’t need it. I say this now… && hell will break loose… DAMMIT!

2. I’ve found someone that is in the EXACT same position as I am, in relationship. He cares for someone immensely, but knows he can never have her. People have been curious why I’ve chosen to tell him stuff. But… I do it because I have grown to love said character, and I think half of me thinks hes grown to love me too. And because of our similarities, we are brought closer.
=]

3. Although all the happiness and jollygood dancing have been accuring, I find myself blocking out more stuff. All the little things like, Nina’s little meltdowns about Ama, Womb’s kick in the shin, Kid bouncing around like hes on steriods… I seem to forget it all. I found myself pushing all my pissed off-y-ness, into weight lifting. All the times I’ve wanted to pounce Kid && claw his eyes out for existing; All those times I’ve wanted to slam Nina against a wall for Mindfucking me… I push into weight lifting. First period is too short… I wish it were longer….

4. I saw Byrd. [10-16-08]. Its been 3 years since I saw him last. I was a freshman when he left… like a jerk. && I saw him for the first time. It was unbelieveable. Although I didn’t cry, I got enough of him. Enough to wait until his godson/daughter is done to see him again. I blame him for all those missing years. *Winks.* =]

Yeah… Its my fault. No sarcasm. No puns. I’m going to try to pull all my thoughts together, although I’m sure that you’d understand it anyways. Sigh.

There’s been alot of shit going on inside that I regret. I feel as though it all has come crumbling down like a tower with a wrecking ball. Its as if I had the life sucked out of me and replaced with a new life that has a less immune wall.

I’ve come to terms of where I’m at in your life. Or… I think I have… er… thought I had. I keep thinking that number two isn’t bad. Its better then be lower. In my head I keep repeating that being number two is amazing. But for some reason, I keep backing it up with thoughts that make me feel unloved and pitiful. She has all she needs. She doesn’t need me anymore. I can’t bring her happiness like he can. I promise you, I want to stop it all. And I thought I was trying my hardest to make it all come to an end. I thought that the past month was actually working. In my head, I didn’t become jealous whenever I saw ya’ll walking together, I thought that was progress. And the mere fact that I could actually be around ya’ll during a makeout feast, I thought that that was success. But what you said in the journal, made me break. All of it was for nothing. “Everyone has basically come to terms with us. Except Shadow, but she has issues.” Thanks, by the way. Made me realize how much I really did have issues.

We went over this. I explained this all to you. I thought you would accept it. Yeah, we didn’t talk for a little bit. But we got past that. We actually over came that little fact that I stepped back. Why can’t you of “all fucking people, grasp” that I can’t leave you. Sure. You can sure as hell leave me without hesitation. But I have a soul, and can’t have that. I backed off so I don’t depend all my sanity on you. It doesn’t even enter your mind that I’m doing this for the both of us. I’m doing this for you so I don’t go through one of these little “breakdowns” and you raise all hell on me, such as this. If I step back I won’t have breakdowns because I wouldn’t have put all this shit on your plate. As a teenager, I know you have a shitload on your plate as it is. I don’t want to be the fly in your soup. Fuck! Do you honestly think I would do this purposely? Do you honestly fucking think that I would fucking try to seperate myself from the only person that I thought understood me without a reason? You might not think its a logical but you have to fucking get it through your fucking skull that this is for you!! I do everything for you! You! The only person I would take a fucking bullet without regret or hesitation. I might not be your number one, but you are mine. Its like none of it matters anymore….. Sigh. Breathe. Damn you for not understanding.

Its amazing how you don’t understand that I could give a damn about that kid. I could care less for him. Yeah, he made me feel speical. But nothing compared to you. He came with butterflies and happy shit like that. But you came with security and comfort. I grew too homey to that feeling. Its only natural to want the comfort over anything else. Damn you. You think that I would leave you for him. Damn you!! This is the thing that distraughts me the most.

Why the fuck do you think I would put chicks before dick?? When it is you that has. When it is you that have not tried hard enough to balance shit out… when you’re not even trying anymore.

You’re up there with her. You’re no different then she is. There are hardly no differences, besides the fact that her and I don’t see each other every day. I reassure you, you’re far better. You at least tried. But… no. Forgive me for lingering on the past. Its one of my manya flaws.

I know its all my fault. I keep over thinking it. I keep wanting shit to come back. I keep wanting shit to go back to the way they used to be. Back when I smiled for no reason. Back when we’d meet each other in random parts of the school so we could walk each other to class. But it won’t. It never will.

I damn near killed you. It was my fault that you were behind the fucking handlebars of a vehicle you couldn’t control. I keep telling myself that I was teaching you and that you can’t learn without being behind the wheel. You keep asking me why do you have to be protected from any impure thoughts. You keep wanting me to answer it. The only answer is because I love you. Its like it doesn’t even process. You turn just seconds too late to get a glance of it. I actually phyically hurt you. That alone makes me distraught. It was all for nothing.

Greedy me. Clinginess. Possessiveness. Want. Crave. Avarice.

I came to you broken. Its only right for me to leave broken.

But you’re right… maybe this might as well be the end.

I never knew perfection ’till
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?
It’s not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…
A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane
The city looks so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears
So you’re sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s alright
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah. 
I’m not fine, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break, baby.

Better That We Break – Maroon 5.