Tears Of Hate.
I couldn’t survive a fucking month. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be happy for a month. Its so funny how shit started to tear up right after I posted the previous blog. I just… grrr… Unbelieveably. Its so fucking unbelieveable.
1. Its great how I would like to wrap my long fingers around Blake’s neck and bash it against a fucking brick. She’s gotten so confusing lately. One minute she was cool and relaxed, which I adored. The next minute she’s hard core christian, which I totally and completely supported, a bit taken back from the reverse of lifestyles, but I was growing used to it. But then the next minute she’s going back to her “old days”. I don’t know what she was like during those days && I don’t want to know. She’s met this guy. She’s totally and completely wrapped up in him. She was happy. She is happy. But when people have to worry about her is when something is wrong. Its not just me. Its her other best friend. We’re both worried sick of her. I’ve never actually spoken to her best friend until today, but we’re both deathly sick for her. When she barges into our classroom all pissed off over the smallest things… when she’s more argumentive then normal… when she decides not to protect herself! I don’t blame him. I blame her for not even trying to stay the same. I felt the distance that had fallen between the two of us, so I asked her for Us time. I want her still. I love her. She told me she was excited. Forgive me for actually getting excited myself! FUCKING GETTING BLOWN OFF!!! I’ll be here whenever she accepts that she has changed. I’ll be here whenever she has come to her senses && the “addiction” has settled down a bit. I love her. I can’t let her go. Forgive me for getting pissed off. My greed has taken over again. For that mere sin to even go close to taking over, makes you speical to me. Its a sign that I love you. You know how sensative I am. You know that I’m sensative to this sort of shit. This is what I see. I don’t know what the fuck its like to have the “addiction” or what you’re going through with your move and your new guy. But, understand that you HAVE to consider what the people that love you and you love too… Its wrong of you to be so self-centered.
2. I’m tired of liking Jack. I’ve grown obsessive. I’ve noticed stupid small things. Every time he looks at me, my heart goes faster. I don’t know why its him. He’s so obnoxious, oblivious, sensative, and overconfident at times I wish to run him over with his broken car. I went for a while literally thinking “My crush for him in the only thing thats normal in my life.” What the fuck was I thinking? He’s so oblivious to everything! He and I are friends. But there isn’t enough strength in my pillars to help me not obsess. I can’t find it in myself to step down from crush to just friends. No crush. No weak knees. No speeding heart. Just friends. I’m just “sweet n’ low” – the sugar substitute [Thank you Rebecca]. But I refuse to be anymore! I refuse to be such a view. I wish to still be a shoulder, I wish to still be an ear. But for some reason I can’t grasp that that is all. The irony he told me Monday [11-3] was so rediculously funny. “She bitches about her boyfriends, I just wait. I’ve liked her for a while. We just have that connection. I just wait for her…” Or something along that line. XDDD Its so fucking funny. But I’m done. I’m tried of having pointless Knight attacks since in a couple years none of them will matter. I’ll find someone new, someone that notices… I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it all…
3. Little things are pissing me off. Little things are driving me insane. My buttons are being pushed too many times, at the wrong time. I’m getting pissed off at the wrong people, at weird times, and over the stupidest things, but I can’t block shit anymore. I can to a point. Hell! Even my mom saw how upset I was tonight! I felt so broken, so replaced, so used. Whatever. I’ll get over myself.
4. I still need a fucking job. I’m trying. My mother looks down upon me. I’m not my sisters. It disappoints her that I am not. T.T
