Xxshadowraexx’s Weblog

I like him. I care for him. I want to be with him and only him. Its sad how hypocritical I am. I tell people to not be clingy and I comment how rediculous it is to read about them constantly wanting each other. But its not like I want to be with him at all times or that if I’m not with him I feel myself dying inside slowly. I want to be with him because me makes me feel special. Its that speical feeling that I’ve lacked for so long and now that I’ve got it, I want it constantly. How greedy I’ve become. But only he can do this to me… at the moment. I feel jealous when I look at her. How long she’s had him and how much she knows about him. I want to hang her by her toes and force her to tell me everything. But that would be obsessive. >.>… I want to find out what he tells me. I want to find out things by myself. But when he’s constantly thinking of her… I don’t compare. I look at her blog and I worry that he’s the subject and I worry. If she asks him back will he go back? He’s been hurt so many times. We all know if he was with me I wouldn’t hurt him… but whats the price? With every one thing that makes someone happy, you have to get rid of things. Its called balance. I’ll be with him but he’ll be thinking of someone dear to me. He’s going away. I want to ask him out. I can’t. What if he finds someone? Someone better? Someone prettier? Someone that actually has confidence? I see myself making my move. I repeat it constantly over and over in my head. But to actually lean over and do it, I can’t. What if it sets off wrong things? What if it doesn’t end up like the happy fairy tale? What if it makes things awkward between us? What if it wasn’t meant to be? I know I won’t end up with this kid. I won’t make him happy. I’ll be scared to touch him. I’ll be too scared to say anything. Too scared to hurt him. I am of no comparison to her. She had him for so long. I hate her. I envy her. If she were to come back would he run back? First loves are a bitch when it comes to that. I just don’t want to finally get him and lose him. After a year… its been a year… God. T.T. What if I ask him and he says no? What if he doesn’t look at me as more then a friend… like he always has. Its been almost a month since they broke up. She was the fucking whore that broke up with him. She couldn’t control her fucking horomones and didn’t ignore them, leaving him for another guy. HE DESERVES MORE THAN THAT! And now I fear that he is the one she writes about. Jealousy and curiosity haunt me. So many unanswered questions. And I can’t bring myself to ask him them. I don’t want to make it about me. I’m greedy enough inside my head. I can’t bring myself to make start off a domino effect of ruining the world that I had taken so long to create. A sanity that had survived so many heart breaks, so many of them caused by him. I want to be with him so he’s not lonely. I want to be with him because I fear what other people will do to him if I’m not. I’m probably a freak for even wanting all of this.

Sometimes the edge serves
As more than a friend
Than you thought it would be
And the pages you write
In your journal each night
Are your only release
And the mask you put on
It’s like words in a song
But there’s more to be seen
And the failures you see
Don’t seem failures to me here at all

Oh I’m begging you no
There’s more life left to go
Oh I’m begging you please
Cause I don’t want you to leave. –
Life Left To Go; Safetysuit.