Xxshadowraexx’s Weblog

So much has happened in the past couple weeks. I guess I could just start with an update on my last blog:

1. He went back to her. Of course he did. I hate him for it. I wanted him to hurt so much. I wanted to throw a spear through his fucking head. But, as the world hates me so, a spear is nowhere in sight and I have absolutely no aim. I’ll tell you my side from the beginning.
He was scared shitless. I was forced to take her home with him. I can’t not take him home. Why can’t I just leave him there? Why the hell do I let him use me like that? [[But back then I cared sooo much.]] But… Two weeks they are broken up and he makes me take her home with him. >.>. Worried out of my mind, I call him at 9 o’clock that night. I kept making myself call other people so I didn’t have to call him. But my chance comes. He takes her back. “My rules. She breaks one rule and we’re done.” He did exactly what he said he was going to do. Take her back. “People change. People are going to be mad at me for taking her back. But I actually believe people change.” I resisted the urge to yell at him, maintaining my tears and anger. “I was scared that you [[me]] would be mad.” Of course I was. “Yeah. Some people change for the worst.” “What does that mean?” *Claws own fists til blood* I felt so used. I felt so useless. I wanted to kill him. Absolutely murder him. Its been what? 3 weeks? Something like that. I’ve taken them to his house everyday since.
I guess, I’ve grown numb to it. I want so much to just move on. I want to find someone new. But… For now, I just have to keep making cruel hits on him like “King of all assholes” to just force myself to get over him. He’s an ass anyways.

Okay. Now that I can think of nothing more about him. Lets move on… Light Of My Life.

2. This child, means the world to me. She’s my best friend. I’ve written so many blogs with her in it, but never really explained who she was to me… at least… not from what leaps to mind. Before her, I was a broken heart, alone and dark… I guess. Idk. I was surviving on what normal people shouldn’t survive on, just air. I was a new girl to the school. Of course it took until like… the end of October for us to actually click. Three years later, she means absolutely everything to me. I don’t mean that lightly. I mean, quite literally, I would take a bullet for her. She made me complete like I wasn’t for so long. I love her. But now that we are comfortable with our friendship and not amazing like best friends should be; She got a boyfriend that makes her blood sing && I stepped down. Anything to make her happy. As my previous blogs have said, I had some serious jealous moments over the two of them for the past year. [[Yes they have been dating for almost a year. A year in like two weeks or something. Which: Yay Light And Damien!]] I hated him for taking her away from me. I wanted so badly for things to just be the way they were for two years before he came in. But… She’s in love. I have to support that natural human occurance. I guess still most of me hates that he has her a SHITLOAD of the time and he throws a fit whenever we have her… yeah… really?… But…. As of recently… I found out… that even if we grow apart, I really and truely think that I still have a little piece of me in her. Its hard to see with all her Damien… but I think that I’m still there. Yeah, I may still get jealous that her skin shines and her smile becomes natural at the mere sight of him and not me… But I know that its what happens when someone is “twitterpated”… right? From Bambi? XD. I would know… not to the extent of love… but… to the extent of feeling complete. I fear asking her to hang out with me in fear that… deep down she really just wants to be with him instead of me. So, I told her… “You ask to mingle with me. Not me ask you.” So when she asks… I know that she honestly and truely just wants to be with me. Because… she should know… no matter what happens… I will clear my calender for her in half a second. Four hour phone conversation. We couldn’t shut up. =]. I really love her. And I hate that we don’t have as much time as we used to. But… I think that things will get better. I feel it in my bones. Ma petite. <334.

Wow… that was long. I haven’t had a computer in like… 2 weeks. I’m kinda dying. Not having the ability to update you… even though I know only certain people read this…. But… I’m not quite done yet….

3. Luff Muffin. Yeah… You didn’t see this coming. I have all day with you in class. You piss me off… immensely… alot. To have you always breathing down my neck… and I know I do the same thing to you. In spanish… okay…. I can deal. Its one period. Sometimes I’m moody, or your moody, or the whole fucking world is just pmsing…. But it really pisses me off, I make it quite obvious that I want to be alone, like when im reading or trying to write… I may make you sound like a bad you sound like a total bad guy… But I want you to know… that I really do like our time in that class. Although… I could live without ALWOT of the touching you think I don’t notice. You touch me ALWOT… and I REALLY hate it. I know that I give affection and we totally have had this conversation before that since I give it I should be able to recieve it… I can’t my dear. All the touching must cut in half. No more kicking or random poking… it really irritates me. I’m sorry… I can’t help it. In 3rd period… I sleep. I’m sorry, its what I do. Im conditioned now… Its a nasty little habit of a condition…. but its what I’ve grown used to. And when I do sleep you adapt and you talk to Linette and De. So, when you bitch about how I always sleep and I don’t talk to you… that makes me want to throw my desk at you. I just spent probably most of the previous period with you… right? What in the world is there to talk about that you can’t wait until lunch to talk about? Sometimes you don’t complain… like today. I loved today… [[Me, you, and Womb went to Olive Garden today.=D]]… Its like you knew that I was going to sleep because of the rain. And its moments like those that I love you for. We’ve been together for so long that our horomones basically can read each other… [[except I have a malfunction to tell when your mad or just being sarcastic... which my little mind can't handle.]]… that you basically know what I want… and sometimes vice versa. I’m like a book you say. So, my dear, don’t get lost in translation… Please stop all the “But if it were ___ you’d do it” it gets irritating. Sorry. I’m really trying to give you kudo points too, because for as much time as we spend together, your not too terribly bad all the time. =P. But… I guess its the moments that you upset me that I feel the urge to bag on you. I love you. I really do. Yes, I do have panic attacks when your upset with me. Its an event that very few have the ability to conjure out of me. Be grateful.

Almost done. I think… I haven’t decided. I should go to bed… But I wanna finish this…

3. Womb. My Sporkuh. My Bruh. =]. We’ve lost ourselves the past couple weeks. I have spoken little to none of you for the past couple weeks. You make me worry. You make me have nightmares. Stressful, you child. Rewind a couple months, I saw you everyday. I listened to you, I loved your very presents. I regret not taking it all in, not knowing how I’d go from seeing you everyday to feeling 1/3 empty everytime I didn’t see your car in the student parking lot. I needed you most when I was losing the light or when I was shoved off the pirate ship or when the muffins were a little too burnt. My mother tells me I’m a needy person. I discover how right she was when I wore your jacket to school and would take a couple sniffs of it to make it seem as though you were with me, surviving school along side me. It was like I had allowed you to come in at max capacity and yet you left me, chunked away like a cookie that was bitten into and not finished. I really did like that kid. He was different. He actually talked. Of course… connecting the dots… I could have killed him for “The Marine”… if only I had a bat with nails at the end of it… or a car that I could dispose of. Child! You mean so much to me. And I know alot to you… or at least I think I do… my soul survives on that hope. So… whenever I had you over I would invite him because… like Light… I was scared that you wouldn’t be happy without him. And I was semi-happy that I knew that you spent your nights with some character that actually laughed at my stupidity with me. But… at the end it just wasn’t worth the stamp of approval. He’s a jerkface… I think… from what I recall you telling me of why ya’ll broke up. Dear, its 1230 in the morning… Sorry if I don’t recall it all at hand… except that one thing…. that I could glomp you for and I’m sorry that you had to suffer that by yourself. You know what I speak of… I hope. But today… Me, you, and Luff Muffin, went to Olive Garden, it made me happy, for you to be there… although… I could have honestly survived without the investigation of how innocent I am. You damn well know how innocent I am. Jerkface. *covers self* I like it this way. And I’m sorry we couldn’t go the xmart… One day… I guess… if it makes you happy… T.T… But… going today… made me feel whole again… like you never left school… *glomp*… I would trade anything for you to just be there more often… but I can’t wish that if that is not what you can do. I understand you have a whole other life without me, like it was before me… but… a girl can dream right? You bring me stress child. But I love you. =]

OKAY!!! I CAN SAY I’M HONESTLY DONE BITCHING ABOUT MY FRIENDS!! Now just small updates:

I have found Heroes as a new addiction. My sister broke up with her boyfriend a little over what? A week ago? Or so… And she brought all her shit home. She had the first two seasons of Heroes… I haven’t stopped watching them. XDD. ITS ADDICTIVE!! But… I can’t watch whats on TV until I’m caught up… I refuse to watch until I’ve seen every episode. Although… That will be never. But! I love it. Its really great! *controllable squeal*. I likeuhduh show. Alwot. =]

Now to bed. =]