Xxshadowraexx’s Weblog

A Broken Warrior.

October 23, 2011 at 3:48 am (Uncategorized)

I Feel Like My Life Is Spiraling Down.
If Not Spiraling, Plummeting.
I’m Losing All Control.
I Am Strong.
But Not This Strong.
I Can Handle One Thing At A Time.
My Mom Always Said
“Handle One Thing At A Time.”
But When It Comes Crashing,
I Don’t Know What To Do.
A Month Or So Ago:
My Beast, My Baby, My Vehicle,
Got An Oil Change.
Turns Out More Was Wrong With It.
For The Past Three Weeks Or So,
I’ve Been Keeping An Eye On It.
First It Was The Oil,
Then It Was My Breakpads,
Then It Was I Got A Goddamn Nail In My Tire,
Then It Was My Water,
Then It Was My Radiator.
I Can Handle My Car Being Broke.
I Can Fix That.
Then My Housepet Left.
I Care A Lot For This Kid.
I Need Something To Mother Or I’ll Burst.
Makes Me Feel Needed.
My Selflessness Overpowers My Selfishness.
I Can Handle Him Leaving.
But He Left Without Saying Bye.
He Just Got Up And Left.
I Couldn’t Believe It.
I Couldn’t Tell Him Bye, Take Care Of Himself,
Be A Warrior.
He Just… Left.
But He Left Everyone. No One Got To Say Bye.
Then Biology Fucks Me Up.
My Depo Shot Came With A Consequence.
Yeast. BV.
I Took A Shot For All Sort Of STDs,
Even Though He’s Clean, Which Means I’m Clean.
But They Offered, I Took.
I Paled Up Every Time They Were All Like
“This Is For AIDs, This Is For Syphilis,” Etc.
But I Know He’s Clean.
And To Top It All Off…
I Lost Him.
I Didn’t Want Him Back In The First Place.
I Don’t Know Where The Emotional Part Came From.
It Just Sort Of Sprung Up.
I Knew What I Was Doing.
I Knew What I Was Getting Into.
And Yet… He Found Another Girl.
“In A Relationship” Is His Status Now.
What A Goddamn Fuckin Prick.

“You Workin Overnight Tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok. Juss Trying To Get Back Into Creeper Mode. Lol.”
“Ur Timing Is Bad.”
“Of Course It Is. How So?”
“Lol. I Meet A Chick I Like And U Want To Become A Creeper.”
“Well Not Exactly. But I Guess That Works. You And I Have Got To Talk About This.”
“Talk About What?”
“This New Chick. It’s Not Fair To Me. You Say You Don’t Want A Relationship So I Push All My Feelings Back And I Go Numb. And I Try And Do Things For You To Keep You Happy And Make You Realize I’m Still Around. You’ve Repeated Over And Over How You Don’t Want A Relationship. That You’re Trying To Get You’re Head On Straight. When I’ve Straight Up Been Here For You To Help You Out. Despite How Much It Hurts Me. And Yet You Like This Chick. It’s Not Fair Whatssoever.”
“No Life Generally Isn’t Fair And U Supposed To Have Been Helping Me As A Friend. If It Was From Feelings U Shouldn’t Have Done It. And I Said I Like Her. We’re Going On A Date. Who Said I’m Jumping Into A Relationship. And If All Of This Has Been To Try And Maintain Something For Me From Feelings You Shouldn’t Have Done It. I Thought I Was Joking With The Sex Buddy And Stuff…”
“Did It Ever Occur To You? And You Just Ignored It? I Did It As A Friend Because I Want You Happy. I Wouldn’t Dare Push It Farther Because I’d Chase You Away. For Some Ungodly Reason You’d Run Away. I Care So Much For You And You Were Ungrateful And Ignorant. We Had Sex Because It Was Fun. That’s All. So I Kept You At A Distance Because YOU Said You Needed It. You Don’t Have To Jump Into A Relationship. But You Know Some 2% Of Me Thought: Let Me Do This For Him And Karma Will Be Proper For Me. A Glimmer Of Hope. A Glance In My Direction. The Fact That You Don’t Even Have The Slightest Clue How Much I Care For You Just Upsets Me. You Can Try To Imagine It. But You Wouldn’t Be A 10th Close.”
“The Real Question I Suppose Is: What Did I Do So Badly To You To Even Get A Second Chance? When I’ve Done Nothing But Give And Give And Not Ask For Anything In Return.”“Karma Doesn’t Work Or I Wouldn’t Be In The Shit I Am. And I Sorry I Listened To You Say You Weren’t In It That Way Anymore When I Knew You Were. I’m Not Asking For Anything Else And I’ll Get You Your Money. I’m Sorry I Don’t Feel That Way About You. That’s Just How It Is. Don’t Know That I Do About This Chick. But I Just Feel Something. Now End The 5 Page Txts.”
“I Feel As Though I Won’t Get Anything Across If I Don’t Say It All At Once. But I Would Like To Thank You For Motivating Me To Get My Life Together.”
“You Should Have Been This Whole Time. Jesus I Knew You Were Holding Something But I Didn’t Think It Was This Bad.”
“Lol. It’s Pretty Bad When Even I Wish To Use The L Word.”
“Yeah… Look Rae. Your My Friend But I Don’t Feel The Other Way For You. Idk What Happened. It Was There And Then It Just Wasn’t. Don’t Blame Or Be Down On Yourself.”
“Oh No. I Pretty Much Have Cried As Much As I Can. If I Kick The Beast Anymore It’ll Break. So Youre Safe From Me.  Permanently. Like… I’ll Have To Hanker Down On Finding Someone To Fuck Now. Lol.”
“You’ll Be Fine. Life Goes On.”

And You Know What?
He’s In A Relationship With This Chick.
Like Officially.
It Hurts So Much.
I’m Not One To Say “Love” So Frequently.
Like Everyone I Know,
They Say “Yeah I Love Him.”
“I Thought You Loved The Last Guy?”
“Oh No. I Didn’t. I Love This Guy.”
No. I’m Not Like That.
I Did Really Did Love This Kid.
With Every Fiber That Keeps Me Together.
Now That He’s Backed Me Into The Corner Of Hating Him…
I’m Not Too Sure What To Do.

I Just Want My Life Back.
I Want Control.
I Can’t Do This Anymore.
Please.
I’m Begging Someone. Something. To Just…
Knock Me Out.
I Just Can’t Seem To Get A Grip On Things.
They Always Slip Through My Fingers.
10 GODDAMN MONTHS!
I Was There For This Kid!
I Was There! Within Reach!
And He Just Spat In My Face!
I Could Care Less For The Money.
I Don’t Want It.
I Don’t Care How Broke I Am.
I Just… I DON’T WANT IT!
It Hurts So Much!
How Could He Do This To Me?!
THE GODDAMN PAIN!
It Hurts So Bad!
It’s Like Last Time. The Constant Stabbing.
The Emotional Pain Is Enough.
Why Do I Have To Deal With The Physical Pain?!
As Housepet Said, The Last Time I Saw Him, Actually.
“Heartbreak Is Real. Because You’re Heart Is Actually Falling Apart.”
T.T

Easy come, easy go,
That’s just how you live, oh,
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.
Should’ve known you was trouble
From the first kiss,
Had your eyes wide open.
Why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, ’cause
What you don’t understand is

I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won’t do the same.

No, no no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me ’til I’m numb,
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you’re from.
Mad woman, bad woman, that’s just what you are,
Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car