Xxshadowraexx’s Weblog

Today, my g-ma had a stroke. I was in the hospital all day. My cuzn wanted to come down with me, to see me. To meet Jack. She got the oppertunity.

We snuck to the park on the way home. Just the two of us. I was all butterflies, not knowing what to expect. I was jumpy and excited, nervous and anxious. I had made myself sick, wanting to puke all of which I had nothing in my stomach at the very thought of this meeting.  My cuzn and I pull up and two band kids pull up. We talk, Cuzn tries. Then Jack and another band kid appears. Cuzn and I watch them play Raquet ball. Cuzn is trying to give me hints to try and expose myself to him. Give him subliminal flirting hints. I laugh and shake my head. “Be myself” I kept telling her. One of the band kid’s mom called them and wanted them home. Jack makes the band kid he bought, go home with them. They leave. Cuzn, Jack, & I go to the playset. Me and Jack are on the swings. I try to make it not happen. At this point I dont want to know what he wants to say. I dont want to know what he has to say. Cuzn gets a call from her dad, we lie. “I have to shower anyways. I’m not pretty,” her excuse to go home. “So… I think u should go ahead so I can talk to Rae.” My stomach dropped. My heart beats slightly faster. I walk beside him, slowing my pace. “So basically, I think you should forget about me.” Walls. My walls shoot up like fucking rockets. I’m shielded with numbness before any pain can even get a head start. He goes into a monologue about how he and his exgirlfriend are talking again, and might hook up. “It makes me happy to know she doesnt hate me. How we just miss each other.” I hear and accept all of this information, although I truely really just wanted to claw his eyes out. “We’ll hang out tomorrow right?” God how I wanted to cry. I wanted to jump into Cuzn’s truck and run his fucking ass over. “Yeah. I’ll call you.” I reply. I call Serenity. I tell her this: “With my luck, I am Molly. Damien picked you. But with my luck… I was destined to be denied because you got Damien.” Not as though it was her fault, it just seemed like a good analogy to go on. Pardon me, I was in an undescrible mood. Then I call Blake. I tell her the update. She wants to yell at him. “I didn’t pull myself out of the equation so he can go off and go with [her]. I would rather him date me then her! This doesn’t sit well with me.” And so forth. At least one of us wants to kick his ass. I decide that Nina would be online and I would tell her online. Blake told me I was “upset”. I went with that and let her go. I sit around and linger. I decide to shower. I’m yelling at him the whole time. I nik myself shaving and think. I think real hard. And I successfully resist and hold back a wall of pain that has been held back by my wall. I wipe the blood and get out. I dress and get on myspace to read a bulletin from the exgirlfriend.

Where is the person you want most?
Idk where he’s at exactly.
But he’s in a diff state.

Who was your last call from?
Jack. -_-

Where is your ex?
Don’t care too much.

Do you miss him/her ?
Not alot.

Are you moved on ?
Jeez.

I laugh hysterically at this. I laugh at how I was rejected a second time because of this. I laugh at how much pain he would be in at the sight of this. I laugh at the mear fact that I actually let my wall down for this character and he rejected me… twice and that this is payback. Someone somewhere loves and hates me. XD. I’m no longer hurt. I await for him to meet with me later.

I’m not mad or upset. A bit hurt, but I guess its normal.
You told me not to give up. I didn’t. And now this.
I am rejected… for a second time.
Thanks. Now I have a reason to put my walls up.
It was you who I put my walls down for. Now I guess it was all for nothing.
Read her bulletin. Then tell me if it was worth it. *Laughs Hysterically*.
But now I guess… there is no more Jack. No more Butterfly Man. No more of this.
I hope we can be Friends.

A bulletin I sent shortly after I read her bulletin. I hope he gets it. I hope we can be friends. I hope he realizes that not even Kaitlin got a third chance. I hope so. God I hope so.

The day started like every day has for the past week or so. Except I had woken to Nina sleeping quietly beside me. We had to register for classes. The phone rang. I run to catch the last ring. But by then the person had hung up. I had called Serenity back to get: “Better get here now. There’s a long ass line.” I wake Nina up. We take out sweet time to get to the high school in The Jeep since her car decided to be queer and decided not to start. We get there and there are a shitload of people there. We meet Serenity && Damien there. We get into the room and Netnet is there and a couple of my homeroom girls including Blake. Blake and her friend are there. And then… I become aware of Jack’s mom. Jack is sitting in the desk in front of her. I try not to freak out and becomes quite successful… until I see one of my math buddies over there and I feel the need to say hi. I become very aware that Jack is staring at me. I feel his eyes. I suck in my belly and try to become invisible. We talk about what classes we do. He tries to convince me to take some more classes that he was in but I couldn’t since I decided to fuck up and get intensive reading… which I don’t understand. Jack asks me if he can hang out. Him being Jack… I accept. I’m thrilled until Blake asks to hang out too. Blake is Jack’s pomme de sang. He craves her. The past week has been hell, for the two of them. Blake liked him. He liked Blake. Stuff happens. Blake is “no relationship”. Jack is “want relationship”. They clash. Jack is now is rebound. He feels his heart being broken at the sight of her. Sigh…. >.>… I love Blake. FROM WOMB! And I want to hang out with her. I take Nina home and we clean for a little bit until, Blake and her friend show up. 15 minutes later, awkward. Jack walks in to see Blake. We play Mario Party, Blake’s friend just watches as: Me, Blake, Jack, && Nina play. The whole time I’ve become more aware of Jack and Blake’s closeness. I have miniature Knight Attacks right in front of them. I like how none of them noticed. Not even Nina. Which is truely okay. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t want to have to explain it to any of them. Blake and her friend want to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. We get through 20 rounds before Blake and her friend have to go. They leave after watching us contemplate over whos going, can we go, and stuff. Blake and her friend leave. Jack pulls me to the side and Nina was sent, by Jack, to the car. He pulls me into my bedroom. He kept calling himself an idiot/ass, explaining himself the past couple days. “I should have chosen you, knowing that you have never hurt me.” I felt honored. And hurt. I told him, “I don’t want to date you unless you really like me.” “I do.” My stomach drops and twists. Like the Electric Slide. Then I go numb when he pulls me into a hug. I inhale and try not to let him realize I was doing so. “No. Its okay. You’re not an ass. Don’t worry about my feelings.” We finally decide: Jack pays for Nina, myself, and himself, as long as Nina drives && pays for food. On the ride there, he rides shotgun. He reaches back to me through the space between the door and the seat, and plays with my pantleg. I poke his hand to keep it away and we end up playing… hands-ie? Kinda like footsie… but not really?… O.o…. We go to see Sisterhood although we wanted to see: Pineapple Express. Seating order from outside in: Blake’s friend, Blake, Jack, myself, && Nina. We survive the movie. I blush at the kiss scenes and I block my eyes from the “LETS HAVE SEX!” scene, laughing too hard on the inside. For some scenes, I wanted to touch his hand, although I didn’t. He tapped my leg for a moment [One of the scenes I was laughing hysterically on the inside.] On the way home, Nina drives, I ride shotgun, and Jack is in back. Jack is emo. I stick my hand back, and we play for a couple seconds until I sense his hand by my shoulder. I look in the side mirror to notice. He wraps his hands around my neck and starts massaging. =D. I pull my hand to where our thumbs touch. We stay like that for most the ride home until Serenity calls. No more… thumbs. T.T…. Nina has dinner with her mom and leaves Jack and I at my house. My stepfather is home. An awkward 30 minutes that was. I was kicked out of my house the night before for “being lazy” + he had a “bad day.” [I went back that night, after I got an apology.] Jack starts conversation with Stepfather, thank god, and peels away 10 minutes. “How do you feel about going to Serenity’s?” Jack asked me. I asked Stepfather, he “didn’t care.” We left. Jack has had feelings for Serenity since the end of last school year… you know… about the same time I started to find feelings for him. Yeah… my luck is a bitch to me. We go to play Wii: Serenity, Jack, myself, && Serenity’s brother. We play Mario Party [again]. The whole time we’re making Sexual Jokes, that came from everywhere. Serenity had spent the last six hours getting bitten by Damien… SHE HAD FUKING BRUISES EVERYWHERE! Grrr…. But she was happy as fuck. And its not like its illegal. Soo… I let it slide. The whole time its: Jack&Serenity, Myself&Serenity’sbrother, Jack&myself. We finish thirty long rounds [I win.] && Jack and I decide to leave. We go to his house for about 20 minutes, his mother got amazing clothes bargins. She got him a good dozen shirts and two pair of pants and flipflops. He was going to just take me home until…. Blake calls. “I was trying to explain to my mother who Bridget was. And I wanted to show her. COME OVER!” I ask Jack is he wants to go. He didn’t want to. But he knew I did. I couldn’t pick. If Jack didn’t want to go… I wouldn’t have gone. But… He didn’t say no. I kinda felt bad for him. I wanted to reach for his hand. I didn’t. We get to Blake’s and Jack’s mood went from: Estatic Ego to Emo Child. Blake’s mom went on about how her “thighs are big and how they talk.” Yeah… I was a bit scared myself… XD… We watch a good hour and a half of Hannibal. We eat $5 romen noodles Jack bought. The whole time we’re watching the movie, Blake and Jack are on the couch making conversation I could vaguely hear. I didn’t care. I started having a Knight Attack in Blake’s home. I felt fire in my stomach. Half of me wanted to puke the food back up. But… I was hyper off of Pepsi….=DDDD…. None of me could cry as much as I wanted to. Jack decided to take a leave after Blake decides to fall asleep. I couldn’t stay there. I walked to the car, turning around once. He said something too quiet for me to hear and she went back inside. We got to the car. We started to talk about… I don’t remember. Then we got to my house….

I spent another day with Jack. =]. I was in town trying to get my report card/ job. He called me around 12:30 PM. He sounded sad at first. He asked me if I wanted to come over after I was done with my job stuff. 20 minutes later, when KFC seemed too busy && Wendy’s didn’t do stuff on Friday, I called him back and told him I was coming over. I went in and we watched a few stuff on Youtube. A bunch of it were spify car tricks. He was suddenly like “You want to go fishing?” Being that I’m an A.D.D. wannabe, with NO patience, I feared I wouldn’t be good at fishing, and be rather bored. But… being that he was Jack… I went along with it. He went outside and asked his uncle and his friends if we could go. Being that they went to town, or something rather, we waited a little. 20 or 30 minutes later, turns out they were waiting for us the whole time. Jack raced them to the pond, fishing poles && fishing box in the back seat. We won. =D. We set ourselves up. He gave me a pole. I’ve held a few fishing poles in my life, throwing them into the water with bait and everything, but never quite actually caught a fish. He showed me a simple way. “When the bobber goes down, yank the string sideways, so they won’t escape.” Turns out, I caught my first fish only minutes later. I was happy and bouncy. I pulled my phone out and took a picture with it. I kept smiling, standing between Jack and one of his uncle’s friends who bitched about the cat fish and how Jack had caught a cat fish on one of the his poles the day previous. Its like cat fish were like 10 points in the book of records, like a speical reward. The first two hours we were there, I had caught a total of 14 fish, keeping only one for later, before realizing that it was hot as hell and Jack wanted a drink. So we went to a store. I called my g-ma && dad while I waited for him to get drinks. I was still talking on the phone with my g-ma when we were back at the pond. I told her I would call her back when I got home [which I didnt] and got off the phone. For the next two hours, we started to go back and forth about fishing. I caught at least 30 fish, and kept a total of 7. He started to tease me and I tried to tease him back. “Where are those fish Rae?” “In the cooler” [For later]. “Where are the fish that you’re supposed to be catching?” “…. Jerk.” =]. I kept smiling and glancing between him and the bobber the whole time. At about 6, We had decided to leave the pond. We still needed to “clean the fish” aka: deskin && pull apart. Sigh. We went back to the house, and started to pull apart, until we did a shitty job. His uncle came out and helped us pull the fish apart. For about 30 minutes we basically ended up watching his uncle do the dirty work. I had fish guts all over me && reeked of fish and sweat. I needed a shower. He offered me his && some clothes that he didn’t wear anymore. I showered && got dressed. Because he had fish on him, I was quite shocked && stunned to see him without a shirt. I tried not to look, being that I couldn’t stop blushing. We cooked and ate the fish that we caught. I didn’t help cook, though. I was just kinda there for that before I took a shower. I watched him make a dip for our fish and fries consisting of ketchup & lemon stuff and spices. It turned out to be good. We ate and talked about food. =D. He left to do something, when his mom came in to work on the computer. His mother and I had small talk about something she did this morning, about her cell phone and the bill. It was pretty interesting. 8:30 comes around and he decided to want to share that he wants to see Wanted… at 10:40. My curfew is 10. So… instantly I knew I couldn’t go. But i called my mom and asked anyways. It was a no. Which didn’t bother me. I had spent the past two days with him && him with me. He called one of his other friends to see if they wanted to go with him. Turns out she was going to call him and ask if he wanted to go with her. He decided he needed to take a shower and get ready for said event. I was getting my stuff together when he decided to show me his Gem collection. All the stones were shiny, small, expensive, and for the mostly part, really pretty. His g-ma had worked hard to get like 10000 stones. All real. All really pretty, even though I’ve already said it. I pointed out my favorites && left at 9:20. Sigh. I went home all happy and bouncy. My mom asked: “Did you get laid?” XD. I laughed and declined. My little sister bitched that she smelled his mother’s cigarett smoke on the clothes I was wearing, and changed clothes. I couldn’t stop smiling. I decided that… If I didn’t like this kid before. I like this kid now. =]

He came to my house around 8:30. He called me and asked if I wanted to see a movie. Turns out his mother didn’t want him to go out that late or something. I didn’t bother to ask why he couldn’t go see a movie. He called me back and asked if he could just come to my house and watch a movie. He brought Hitman. It was pretty good. He asked me if I thought the chik was hot. I smiled and said “A little. Her face is weird.” It was true. She had a tattoo on her face!! And her nose was odd shaped. During said movie… I had to get up and let the dogs in and out. And get a drink for him and I. He saw the Redbull Scott had stored in the refrigerator. He told me he couldn’t have it straight so, he grabbed himself a Diet Rite. I took in the same mixture. He teased me about my “drinking habit”. Heee. Little does he know. Next time I’m home alone, he said he’d bring some. XD Its kinda funny. It was pretty good, btw. =].  The main guy in the movie was Hannibal Lector cool. But! Back to Jack. We watched it and hes all like “Guitar?” Soo… I turned on Guitar Hero. We played for a bit. On Co-Career then… Pro-face off I think. On hard. So we had to unlock songs. No one at my house plays Hard with me, So we had to unlock songs. I kicked ass at Cliffs of Dover on Hard. I had no idea I could play it. =D. Sooo after we played Cliffs of Dover we went back into the den. He kept switching between Batman Begins && something on the Discovery Channel about weapons. It wasn’t that bad. Some of the weapons were cool, all were like “Lets make a mushroom cloud!” But… yeah. He situated himself on my couch to the point where I just got irritated and sat on his hipbone and eventually sat on the couch, leaning on his stomach. Use your imagination. I had no idea where to put my hands. XD. I was going to like tap his knee a few times, but didn’t. He slapped my stomach. I elbowed his. He started to slap Bridget. I happy patted his face. That lasted for all of like two minutes, until commericals on both channels were done. We finished watching Batman Begins. He told me he wanted to see the new Batman movie coming out. I told him, to bring me along. =D. I hope I’ll have money to actually pay my way in. He’s all go for spending money on us [Shy && I && Other people he hangs out with I guess.] But… I feel as if I owe him. Like… Gas money. Or something. Sigh. We watched TV a bit more. He started to bitch about my kitchen lights being so bright. He loved Angus. He doesn’t like little dogs. “They’re annoying and small.” He adored Angus. =]. He played with him and rubbed his belly. For some reason, this small fact beings me joy. I had to love on Gibby because she was unloved. T.T. But around 2… he decided the Redbull was wearing down and didn’t want to fall asleep at the wheel. I rode the fourwheeler to go close the gate. I waved at him, and watched him disappear around the corner. So fun 8:30 PM to 2:00 AM. I had a fun time. =]