Xxshadowraexx’s Weblog

I walk into a room and there you are. Hello There.

My heart is pounding knowing how wrong it is to know you. You sit there as if waiting for me. You wait for me to realize how much I am in dire need of you. You wait for me to realize how much you really are apart of me. You’ve been gone a long time.

You stand and my breath is taken away. I turn to run. Turn to not get caught up again. I feel you before I know you’re really there. You grab my hand and make me turn toward you. My heart is pounding in my ears. Blood rushing through my throat. My body vibrating with nervousness. Don’t go.

With those words, my body gives up. My knees go out from under me. Our bodies become one just like they have plenty of times before. So wrong! But at this point ecstasy has taken over. I’m intoxicated in your presense. You can’t help but to want me.

That you are right. I feel you through my walls, haunting my nightmares, filling my body. My stomach flips as your hands find that one spot. My weak spot. The one thing that no matter how much I try to shield, no matter how much I love it, no matter how much I care for it, if you touched I feel everything fall apart. I feel your breath against the side of my head as you whisper into my ear. You aren’t needed. You’re no longer wanted. You waste your breath. Why do you torment yourself like this? I can help you. Let me be with you. Let me have you.

My blood races for you. My body trembles for you. You pull away from me and we make eye contact for the first time. Your smile makes me scared. You like me driving you crazy. The way you can’t keep me off your mind. Let me have you, Please.

A thought struck me. I turn my head, rotating my neck to see if anyone is watching. I couldn’t have anyone see. I can’t have anyone see. I can’t afford them to know. Don’t be scared. Relax. Everything will be okay.

My fingers extend from their closed fists on your chest. I feel nothing under my hands. My heart stops at the realization that yours isn’t beating as fast as mine. It scares me even more so, because I feel no heart at all. The two of us. Me and you. Forever and ever.

You grab my hands by my wrists with one hand, with your other hand you make me look at you. Your eyes make me freeze. Let there be an us. Don’t listen to anyone else. Don’t listen to all of them. They are nothing but audience. They don’t know anything.

We wait for moments in nothing but lust. My hands shake in yours. I move mine in a way that I touch you. That one touch made me realize how much I really did want you. I wanted you to be with me. I wanted to just block them all out and let you have your way. I win.

Yes. You win. Hands slide up to pull you down to me. My heart leaps into throat as we touch. I realize what I have done and want to come back but your hands lock me in an embrace I can’t get out of. I feel your poison traveling through my lips into my body. My body finds itself in a position it can’t get out of. I push trying to get out. I can’t. Trapped. You finally let me go. A smile on your face makes me shudder. Gotcha. Your mine.

I finally get away. My hands on my lips. They were the least of my problems. Your poison filled me. I was infected. I felt it make its way to my heart. You made your way to my heart. You laugh. It made my body shudder and weak. My heart pumping at panic speed, pumping the poison through my body. Tears make their way down my cheeks. I was doom. I lost all control of my body, falling off my feet. I myself immobile and slowly falling into your arms again. You pull me up to you again. Your breath is hot and seductive on my face as the space between us gets smaller. I will forever be with you. No matter how hard you try, I will always be here. Following you. Stalking you. Constantly being in the back of your mind. You will never, ever forget me. Don’t you ever forget that.

I wanted to wrap my hands around his neck and break him. To see you like that was the worst thing in the world for me. If he had been there… nothing could have stopped me. I would have hurt him. Just as much as he hurt you, by god that fucker would have been in pain. Giving into a temptation that I’ve only felt only once before, God wouldn’t give me such a pleasure. You would hate me. You deserve better then this life. You deserve better then him. You deserve better then me. To see you into my shoulder, feeling you sobbing in my arms. I couldn’t cry because of pure rage. At first I thought it was because Jack was there. But I couldn’t because I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him for torchuring you and breaking your heart. Too many thoughts were going through my head. I wanted you to stop. I wanted you to stop being broken. I felt the peices in my arms for the first time that day. To kill him would have only brought me pure pleasure. To feel his puny neck in my hands. God. Its impossible for you to compehend how much I need you. The universe can’t reach that far. You are the sister I never had. To grow up with a sister that I lost && to have one that has the balls enough to pick up a broken person, takes alot of love. Yeah. You may not feel this way. And you may find me insane. I might not catch onto too much as I used to. And I might not tell you every single significant thing. But I’ve handed all the trust I can muster to you. When you break or when you’re broken, because of some kid… it kills me because he couldn’t possibly understand. At this point your probably mad. I couldn’t say “I know you love him” to you because this whole mess. Somewhere in my mind I knew I would act this way. I knew that my Knight attacks would get bad enough to where I would hurt someone. Its great how much you haven’t the slightest clue how much I want his blood on my hands. To be going hysterical trying to tell you how much you mean to me.

When you were here before Couldn’t look you in the eye;
You’re just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather In a beautiful world
I wish I was special You’re so very (fuckin’) special
But I’m a creep I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here…

I don’t care if it hurts I want to have control
I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice When I’m not around
You’re so very special I wish I was special

But I’m a creep I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here…

She’s running out again She’s running out She’s run, run, run running out

Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want
You’re so very special I wish I was special
But I’m a creep I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here.

You have me. I’m twirled around your sick finger. I’m so caught up, fading, dying. I’m losing control of you. I used to feel you every so often but now its everyday. You’re an addiction gone wrong. I’m your puppet on a string. It pleases you. My stomach flipping and knotting. My tears a continual flow and my mind constantly wanting what I can’t have. Give a little, take a little. Truely. How much of me being near selfless added up? How come they get it when they hardly try and I’m thinking about it every wking moment of my life? Because of you I don’t want what I have and thrive on things I think I want. You making something wrong with me. You are my issue. You make me stay up late and give me nightmares whenever I actually do sleep. I dream of my loved ones being happy forever leaving me behind. You make me hate living. You make me want to leave them,  not tell them whats wrong with me. As people love me you invade me, filling me, making me a totally new person, in a fuked up way. How can I learn to love someone if I have you attached to my hip? Or me attached to your’s?  Its ore like me being handcuffed to you. Where the hell is the key? I want to be gone of you. Who wouldn’t want to me? I’ve accepted you. I know we’re handcuffed together. I know you’re buried under my skin, itching to escape, to take total control. I want to tell her. I want to tell her I feel you. I want to tell her, you embrace me whenever I hear about what she has done.