Xxshadowraexx’s Weblog

This week has been shitty.

I knew that Jack wouldn’t pick me the moment there was a “triangle” between Blake, Myself, and Him. He and Blake go way back and I was just convenient. If he liked me the way I thought he did then he would have even considered me. It hurt that when the three of us were together he would linger over her. To watch him and her be together. When all he was concerned about was how he could be with her. Like I said before. I love Blake. I really do. I’m still lingering on how I felt for him. I saw him today and I went swoon over his presense. I felt color leave my face when I had to stand next to him. I felt myself want to puke at the small details I happened to notice today. I wanted to cry and stuff. I kept my eyes closed most of the song to keep my wall up so I didn’t cry in front of him. It pisses me off I noticed it. I knew it was there but I didn’t really see it until today. Jesus! I need to get over myself.

It pisses me off that I can’t talk to Serenity without talking to Damien too. She texted me the other morning asking me if it was selfish to want to hang out with me. To be honest, I didn’t want her to see me like I was/am. I didn’t want her to see me weak from some kid. I didn’t want her to see that I ran to the bathroom every couple hours just in case my stomach decided to fuck up and really puke, when all it was was butterflies. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see her like we used to, back when guys didn’t matter. I miss her from those days. Back in the days when she didn’t have a boyfriend in tow, or when she didn’t get depressed when she didn’t have said boyfriend around. She blew me off when she was with him. It was the most hurtful thing that had occured to me this past week. How much we wanted to hang out and she totally blew me off. She apologized but by this time I was numb. I was numb to anything. A frikkin dart could have been thrown into my eye and I wouldn’t have cared. Her hug, her smell, her words, none of it hit me. The only thing I cared about at that moment is how I didn’t care. She says she tries to find balance. I can’t get over the fact that I lost one of my best friends to sex. I can’t afford to lose another. Forgive me for being paranoid. For being paranoid about my sanity. Being paranoid about who my best friend is. I love her with everything in me. Maybe I am being possessive. Maybe I am wanting her to myself. But the sane me just wants me to just want her whenever I need her. Not Damien. I want to tell her whatever the hell is going on. I want to be able to be honest with her and tell her something is underneath my skin. But I’m too scared. She says she won’t leave. 98% of me believes her. But that 2% is growing bigger with every passing day, with every additional bite, with moment I see them together. Knight is taking over and making himself a harder shell to puncture.

My grandmother had a stroke friday morning. I didn’t break until I had to call my other grandmother and ask her to put Memaw on her church’s prayer list. Now, I’m not a huge church fan, but I felt as though, maybe a little help from the big guy can help. I also thought about: What if it was G-ma? I felt so bad. I felt so bad for not calling/talking to her. I get to the hospital and half the damn family is there. I knew instantly that things would change. My mother would soon plan to go see her everyday. My mother has missed out on alwot of stuff because of work and because of this. She doesn’t know how I got kicked out for a couple hours && how I had to walk to Nina’s Mom’s house. She doesn’t know any of this with Jack. I want her to know. I don’t want to get in trouble. I don’t want to be told that it’s just a phase. Its pathetic how much I am like her. I see a shitload of myself in her. She doesn’t know me well enough to know. But I know. I see. I just… dread. She doesn’t know how much I’m tearing myself apart. Choking on my own selfpity. She doesn’t know about the Jeep… unless Stepfather told her. I’m sure he told her about the Jeep. But… Sigh. The Jeep was takin away from me… again. I really want to take care of the Jeep. I really do try. Sigh. I don’t wash it, && I don’t keep it clean. But… Its my number2 baby, next to my dog. Sigh. I feel as though my family is against me because I lack a job and I don’t have two years of college under my belt. I want to whack all of my family that thinks of me as my sisters. I want to shoot all those fukers that think that I’m going to end up like them. I refuse to end up like them since I am not them. I will end up happy in my own way Dammit!

I couldn’t breathe through it
Like I need to and the words don’t mean a thing

So I’ll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking of days spent without you
And there is nothing left to prove

I’m counting all the things I could have done
To make you see
That I wanted us to be what I go to sleep and dream of
I want you to know that I’d die for you
I’d die for you

I couldn’t breathe through it
Like I need to and the words don’t mean a thing

So I’ll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking of the days spent without you
And there’s nothing left to prove

And if you are alone
Make sure you’re not lonely
Cuz if you are, I blame myself
For never being home
I know I’m not the only one
Who will treat you like they should
What you deserve

I’m stuck with writing songs
Just to forget

So I’ll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking of the days spent without you
And there’s nothing left to prove

I’m shaking in my body. Losing, fading. I’m losing touch of who I used to be before everything started to happen. Before all the hate… before all the jealousy… before all the stress… before trying to “become mature”… before I started to care what people thought of me. I’m losing touch of the girl found joy out of the single most spectacular moments of life. How can that sweet girl turn into a dark girl that wishes to kill all who touch her. Beheads anyone who attempts to make it over her wall. A wall so thick and tall that nose bleeds are out of control. I’m tired of not knowing who I am and not knowing the difference I make in peoples’ lives. It is too hard for someone to say that want me to be love me and want me to be happy, wholeheartedly, with no strings attatched. I feel so ungrateful. I’ve had so many great things in my life and yet I bitch about everything. I bitch that I’m losing my last pillar of strength to some kid and how many people attempt to become a sanity keeper of mine but I can’t allow that. If something happens… I’d be torn apart. Torn to bits like rag doll remains that some kids thought it was funny to give to the damn dog. They say they won’t but nothing written in stone. How many times must a someone’s heart break before a callus forms? Just grow used to it, instead of bleeding to the point of crimson tiles. Is it truely impossible to live without not being in love? Maybe I’ll never love someone like people love on movies all fake and plastic. To be alone for the rest of my godforsaken life. I have so many things I can’t tell them because I don’t want her to hate me. I hate that I have to live my life thinking that and not telling her anything. I hate if I actually do tell her then I get my ass kicked. I hate that I have no reason to be shitting feeling because nothing bad has happened to me. I hate that I don’t have the guts to tell someone how I really feel without regretting it. I hate that everyone else has someone they can “depend” on and mine doesn’t even realize how much she really means to me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I know something is wrong with me… I’ve admitted that there is. Now where the hell is my help?

So much. How much more can I handle? Isn’t there like a limit? When did the world become too much for the man with the globe on his back? Did he ever break his back? I need to know these things. These are the sort of things every day people need to know. Does stress weigh anything?

I hit an epiphany tonight that maybe good guys do finish last…

Maybe, the glass that was shattered on the counter, splattered with alcohol and made by accident was a sign that tonight was the night that I was to remember. That it would be my third date. That it was a continuation of Febuary 5th & Decemeber 15th. I have no right to though. People go through worst and here I am with imaginary stress problems. Problems that alot of regular-everyday people go through. And yet I think I’m special enough to not do it.

Its hard when you have family problems. But its also hard when you have friend problems too. And its hell when you have both at the same time.

My cousin got caught with drugs, got taken out of school, grounded for life, and is getting her GED. Like its a bad thing. But then to top it all off she suddenly decides she wants to get an empancipation. WTF is she thinking. Like it will solve everything. She’s going to move in with a bunch of hoodlums and get arrested or worst. She used to be the smart one… now the tables are turned. I’m the clean one. The one destined for the a life of good clean fun. Now, I don’t wanna die without scars, but I don’t wanna walk down a path that can make me lose 5 years of my life every hour I walk down it.

I’m on vacation and suddenly I’m tossed between a civil war between my sisters. Shawna [name changed] is pissed off at Abigail [another name change] because this vacation didn’t turn out the way she wanted it to. We’re in D.C. and theres a shit load of historical things and Shawna doesn’t like historical things. We’re [me included] is here for the soul purpose to visit Abigail. To have fun and such. I have had my first offical drink of alcohol. Blue “Hurricane” Baricadi. Tiz good. It makes my throat sticky but thats okay. It was fun. Tonight I felt like I needed some. So I went on my own insentive and poured myself some. I had one glass. I think that woill be fine. But tonight [May 2nd/3rd] Shawna decided that Abigail was being a bitch to her. Out of no where. WTF am i supposed to do about it? I want to say “Hey Abigail, stop pissing Shawna off” or I could say “Shawna. Shut the fuck up.” I wish I could. I have a soul. Dammit.

Then my friends. I love my friends. They keep my sane. They make me want to leap for joy. I would take bullets for these people. How the hell do they keep up with me? How the hell do they manage not to get pissed off or annoyed at the sight of me? Everytime I see them the sun becomes somewhat brighter and my heart skips a beat.

But when something goes wrong between Nina and Serenity, I have to be the one in the middle. Its never me vs. Nina or Me vs. Serenity. [Yet again, another name change... notice the pattern?] I almost hate this. Yet I don’t at the same time. I don’t argue with them because it hits me that if I say something wrong then they have the ability to leave at any given moment. I can’t do that. I wish I could. But I dove head first into the water and is stuck, surviving on air bubbles [like the old sega sonic game]. I love it. My whole being thrives on these people.

Nina is getting to the point of our friendship where she finds she can joke around. For the most part, this excites me. We’re getting used to our skin coming in contact with each other. I like that. But now she feels as if she can hit me where I find sensitive. But she doesn’t know that… Should I tell her? Should I tell her that I really do try at getting the grades I get? I like my B’s. I really do. I’m an A B kinda gal. But i’m also a lets-take-average-classes-because-advanced-classes-will-break-your-bones. So I try to stay away from the whole bone breaking. They [Nina & Serenity] frown upon the average classes.

Serenity. God shes really something. She’s always there. She’s an amazing person. She’s gorgeous, smart, mean, and thats exactly what I need. But when her heart longs for another and her life line depends on it… I have an issue. I get liking someone. Hell i’ve likes the same guy for almost 6 years. I’M FUKIN 17! Somethings wrong with me. But… she’s liked this guy for quite a while [since November at least]. She’s all wrapped up. She’s constantly with him. And I hate it. Yeah I’m a jealous sort of person and I accept this. [1st step to solving a problem is to admit to having a problem right?]. But is it wrong to just want a best friend? I don’t want the zombie remains. I want full frontal, there-in-the face best friend that if we shared blood type or had like O or AB or whichever blood was the ultimate donor would help with a blood transfution. I’m expecting too much. And I’m grateful for what I have. I love her.

And then there are the stupid ones. The prototype, sterotypicial whores that go around wrapping their legs around anyone they can. And not litterally sadly. From my knowledge [at which i'm probably wrong because its me] for the most part, some of them are virgins, and like… one isn’t. They seriously think that if they don’t have a boyfriend the world will get hit by some ginormous atom bomb and die. Yeah, lets live in the moment, have fun, meet new people, be players. But theres a difference between having fun and making your life out of it. It should be a law, written down and everything, you can’t say I Love You under six months and truely mean it. Six months for a teenager is really something. I shitload can happen in six months. Over night even, but six months, phew. Lucky to be alive in six months. I don’t know these people, because they bore me with the same drama over and over again. Now it would be one thing to like get shot in the face and live then to get a rumor spread that you have a slight chance of having syphalis. O Wow! Syphalis eh? Last week I had Mad Cow Disease. Heeee. Damn bitches never know when to give up. They must always have an arm decoration and enertainment. Maybe this week we can have a pregnancy scare then the following week discover that the baby might not be my boyfriends. Hell I’m the virgin Mary. God fuked me over. Six months. Is that really too much to ask?

Then theres April. April, back in the day, used to be one spectacular girl. She was my sanity keeper. The ulimate one. If I didn’t know better, I would have shot someone for her. But when my mom decides to up and leave, taking me with her, a river starts to form. A river that would carve into the earth and eventually make a canyon. I was sent into a world the sun seemed to never shine and there was constant thunder storms. Today I realize years that I had her was just a time user. Yeah, I wouldn’t be who I am without her. But she turned out to be a 2month-I-love-you kind a person. And I HATE that. Maybe one day I’ll be that way and become far more hypocritical then I am now. But for now. I’m shouting across the grand canyon, wasting air, wasting my life, and time trying to get her attention. I’m trying. I really am. My arms are getting tired. I’m done waving and shouting and crying and such. She’ll miss me.

Okay so now that my friends and family problems are out, I should continue. I have school problems too. hahahahaha. You know you love to hear me vent. WTF is this site for anyways. Venting duh. Maybe it should be called Ventpress.com fuk if i know.

I hate having two math classes and a science. Band is just gay. So the whole day is for shit. Nina, Serenity, and [the newest member of the list] Damian. Heee, its great how much that name goes with him. He’s sweet and cuddley on the outside but hes sickingly morbid on the inside. But hes great. But anyways…. Yeah I have straight B’s, with one A… in band. How sick is that? My lunch buddy has been out; she lost her father, almost two weeks ago and hasn’t returned. Chem and Algebra sucks without her. Is it greedy to want her to come to school to give her a hug? We exchanged papers and we’d copy off each other. But since she’s been gone… things just havent been the same. I didn’t realize how much I liked her being in my presense until she was gone for a week sometime in like… January or something. Now she’s gone and I’m gone and I havent seen her. Chem is super hard. He gives me the fukin answers and stuff and yet I cant get it. Alegbra is sort-ish easy. I get math easy but I’m not good at it… if that makes any sense at all. [Use your imagination and try to understand]. I’m doing geometry too. Your supposed to do geometry first, but no, i’m doing both at the damn same time. I just want to be done with school. After high school, i’m going to college for 4 years to get a litterature and teaching degree. [I've come to a conclusion that I wanna do high school kids. How much fun would it be to pick on high school kids XD]. But i have to survive high school first. How the hell am I supposed to have the will strength to do this? I don’t understand. Is this like a sign?

I have personal issues that run through and through and no matter who is there, what anyone says, anything i or anyone else does… it’ll always remain that way.

The epiphany is that: I am alone in this world. Alone in my not-depressed-and-yet-crazily-fuked-up world.

My heart is getting heavy. Why don’t you see it? I feel like a third wheel. My tears are streaming. Is there a wall between us? Bricks of concrete that only I can see? I keep ramming into it! I have bruises from smacking into it. I want it to be like on the movies I put my hand against the glass and you put your against mine… but you can’t see me. Black and Crimson has consumed you beyond any return. Am I joining you? Is something wrong with me? Do I want to join you? I don’t want you to be alone. I reach out and offer you a helping hand… shoulder… love… and yet… you don’t take it as if you would die before grabbing ahold of help. I’m trying. I’m reaching. Straining. Bleeding. I really just want you to stick around. Be my pillar of sanity that I build my lifr around. I give you your space… but I need you to be with me. Not that way but around me. Your laughter makes my grey go away and your smile makes my heart skip a beat. To know that your happy makes my day amazing. But now that your spiralling into the Black and Crimson. Yes… I’m losing you. And we both know it.