Xxshadowraexx’s Weblog

You’re Best Friend Is In Love With You.

I’m here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I’ve lost so much along the way

Then I see your face
I know I’m finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole — Pieces By Red.

I Love You. You Will Always Be The Light Of My Life. You Opened New Doors For Me And I Will Always Be Grateful. Thinking That I Will Always Have You To Believe In Me Was What Got Me Through The Day. Forever And Always. You Mean The World To Me. You Were Light Of My Life Because You Were The One That Always Made Me Smile When No One Else Could. And Now I Am Down One Reason To Smile And Its All My Fault. I’ve Lost The War And Returned A Wounded Soldier. It Hurts To Close So Many Opened Doors. The Doors That We’ve Tried So Hard To Pry Open, Are Closed. I Understand Why You Left. But Keep In Mind That It Was You That Left. And I Will Always Have Open Arms For You To Return. Not That You’ll Come Running Back. Because You Are Smarter Than Anyone. Leaving Was The Best Thing You Could Do For Us. I’ve Hurt You Before, Let You Go, And You Came Back For Me. But I Guess That Only Happens Once. I Hurt You Twice, Let You Go, And Now You Are Gone. I Will Always Miss You. I Will Ignore The Tears And Constant Reminders Of You That I’ve Placed All Over The Place, Especially The One On My Own Wrist That Will Be Cut Off Once It Burns To Think Of You. The Once Opened Doors That Are Closed, I May Only Hope Will Be Opened Once More. But, For Now, I Will Fight With Myself And Punish Myself For Losing You.

Love You Forever.

Another Finger Has Gone Up. Does This One Count?
The Amount Of Fingers I Have Are Running Low On Such Tragedies In The Making. 8 or 9?
Changing Like The Seasons, My Body And Mind Can’t Handle Such An Event. Was This Even An Event?
Going From Hot. From Being On The High Seas.
To Being Cold. Shutting Everyone But  A Select Few Out.
To Being Hot Once More. Running Ways With The Hell Traveler.
Now Onto The Process Of Being Cold. A Slap In The Face? A Punch Maybe?
No More King’s Man Please. It’s To The Point Of Physical Exhaustion.
Not Too Sure What Caused The Domino To Fall. But It Felt Good At First.
War Subsided and Smiles Were Galore. When You Were Around.
Every Angle Was Pleasing. No Matter How Dark The Corners Were.
Butterflies Beat Violently. At The Sight Of You.
Until Word Got Out. Should Have Known Better.
I Didn’t Want To Keep Anything. Secrets Are For Forbidden Lovers Anyways.
So Words Flowed Like Waterfalls. After The Vulnerable Feeling Went Away, It Felt Great.
The Callback Left Me Shaking For Hours, Days. The Smiles Hurt, Immensely.
I Wanted To Shout From The Mountains. Shout Like Pompei.
Kept My Bliss. The Greedy Me Wanted Not To Share.
But It Was Until The Bulb Went Out. The Clapper Fucking Broke.
Darkness Hit Me Like A Train. So Hard And Fast.
Lost Control To The One Thing I Can’t Control. Not From Lack Of Trying I Assure You.
The Broken Attached To More Broken. Broken People Can’t Fix Broken People.
What I Wanted. I Didn’t Get.
Another Fucking Pirate. Yesterday’s Newspaper.
Mostly Curiosity. Killed The Cat.
Angry At You And The World. Mostly At Myself.
Insecurity and Egoism. Equal The Beast.
The One Thing I Kept From You. Destroyed Me.
But I’m Done. With Him.
In Order To Get Rid Of Him. I’m Dropping You.
Not Like You Haven’t Done So Anyways. Not Like I Mattered.
But Now To Move Along. The Show Must Go On.
I Don’t Want You To Leave. But Its Best.
Even Stars Break. Says The Music.
Maybe Its Just A Phase. This Obsession.
Let’s Hope. Its Unhealthy.
But You’re Right. I Do Deserve Better.

Calculation Theme:
I’m sick, you’re tired, let’s dance
Break to love make lust I know it isn’t
I’m sick, you’re tired, let’s dance
Cold as numbers but let’s dance

Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
Where is the love?
Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
Who here is in line for a raise?
Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
Where is the love?
Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
Who put these bodies between us?

Wet Blanket:
Falling for the creep,
The body leech,
Here he comes
Vicious, hypnosis,
Clenched fist sayin’
“It’s wrong to want more than a folk song”
Underneath the shaker knit,
He’s a brick wall
She keep fallin’ for the trick,
Vegetariate, sing-along,
Give a little kick,
With your fine thigh high.

*Doo-doo-do-do-do* *Ba ba, ba ba ba ba*
*Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

*Doo-doo-doo* we’re on to you
Your bathing suit,
Borrowed guitar,
Tellin’ her what to think we are,
You the number one
Wet blanket,
You’re still around I wonder why,
You’re still around I wonder why,
You the number one wet blanket.
Bad seeds come and go for which you must allow
Sick down to my heart that’s just the way it goes”

Collect Call:
If the fire’s out baby, How you gonna keep me warm?
Supposing you let me, with the door wide open no one can leave

For wishing you could
Keep me closer, I’m a lazy dancer, when you move I move with you
Keep me closer, I’m a lazy dancer, when you move I move with you

How could you do this to me? I’ve done nothing but be a great friend to you. I fucked up once. Forgive me for being greedy. But the most hilarious part is, he stood by me while you went off and left me. I understand you went off to college. I’m all-systems-go for you about that. Yay. You’re doing something with your life. I’m so proud. But to go off and not even want to speak one word to me but to spend all your time and space with other people. Like I said. I get it. I get it all. I’ve had three weeks to think about it all. From my perspective. From your perspective. From his perspective. From every-fucking-one else’s view. But I can’t understand how the FUCK you call me your best friend and totally and completely leave without wanting to spend any quality time with me. Oh. I’m at the point where I’m saying no to everyone. BULLFUCKINGSHIT! You memorized his work hours so you can spend every last minute with him while you can. Forgive me for being greedy. I claimed you as my best friend, your supposed to be there for me. Espeically since I was going through a crisis. Not just a crisis. You’ve gone through enough crisises for the whole fucking world. But the one time I have a moment that I feel every seam of me is ripping apart you don’t drop whatever the fuck you’re doing to come give me a hug, pat my back, and tell me everything is going to be okay. ITS WHAT BEST FRIENDS DO! Do you need to find a How To Be A Best Friends For Dummies? It hurts doesn’t it? To feel pain? To feel like the one person you can count on has offically abandoned you? Yeah. Not only has this happened to me. But its happened to me twice. You know what makes you even more so of the bad guy? You know the whole story of the first time it happened. Its HIL-FUCKING-LARIOUS! that you turned out to be the one to repeat it. For weeks, I trashed talked you. I trashed talked you so bad. Everytime I saw a picture of you I wanted to fucking something up. You made me so mad that you didn’t listen to me when I said “You’re not balancing your remaining time”. If you were balancing your time CORRECTLY! We could have fucking avoided this. But it hurts so much that you didn’t want to see me. No “Anna, Peter” and Fucking Nessie wanted to spend time with you as well. I wasn’t important enough to you. You didn’t even ask to spend the night with me or me with you because you wanted to spend every waking moment you could with him. I don’t want to hate him like I hate Damien. Please! Don’t make me hate him. But I’m so tired of seeing him with you. LEARN TO FUCKING BALANCE! You understand me?! I get it. He makes you happy. He’s your “one”. He’s the one that makes your heart beat the hardest and the fastest and makes you feel all complete. I’m not a complete retard. I may be the stupidest person you know but I’m the best damn friend. Because I care. I care far more than alwot of people do. Because I can promise, when it comes down to it, I would be the one at the edge of a knife instead of her. I don’t know her and I don’t like her. How judgemental of me. Ha! First of all! ABOVE ALL THINGS! 1. She hurt one of my good friends. Badly. If anyone knows, its you. How badly it hurts to see someone you care oh so terribly about to move on and stab you in the back. You know… since I did it to you? HAHAHAHA! But lets face it… That was before she became apart of your life. It was one thing to be in his life. That’s him. Thats his game. Whatever happened between them, happened between them. There was nothing I could do about that. 2. She stole you from me. But I guess that was my fault that I actually allowed her to. I was talking to him and I got bitched at. You threatened to cut off our friendship. Wait… No… “You’re Losing Me” isn’t the same thing as that. Oops. You are speaking to the most retarded person on the face of this planet. FUCK NO! It would be one thing if I was dating him or fucking him. BUT I’M NOT! Ironic part is… I would still take it all like I did when you bitched at me. Because you meant so much to me and I didn’t want to jeopardize what little we had. I care for you more than you could ever care for me. Out of this whole fucking friendship, honestly, I’ve lied to you once. Of course, I’m far different then ALL other people. I don’t think keeping a secret is the same thing as lying. I never told you I wasn’t talking to him. EVER! I lied to you when I told you the blog was about Wallace. You know damn well who it was about. What a white lie. But a lie nonetheless. I’m sorry. It was for your own good. Or mine. Who cares now? I certainly don’t. How I feel is my own deal. It’s none of your’s. In fact you should full on support me. Because I’ve supported you in whatever you do. 100%. I question but I don’t stop you instead I push you in whatever direction you need a good shove in. Here’s something I haven’t told you. The first time I saw you after the argument, the night we went to see The Proposal, we were watching FUCKING Degrassi, and they kept saying shit like “You lied to me” and “How could you?” and I couldn’t help but to think of thats what I was doing to you. Like I did something wrong. I felt all stiff and awkward on the inside-out. I felt like bugs were crawling all over my skin and threatening to eat my alive. When I looked at you, you had been asleep for a near 2 or 3 episodes of Degrassi… I cried. I cried because I felt so bad for what I did to you. I felt so bad because I hurt you, betrayed you because… let me remind you… I was talking to him. I felt like leaving at 3 o’clock in the morning because I couldn’t stop hyperventilating and crying. I almost did too. If it didn’t require moving and waking you up I would have. Oh… btw… That’s all I don’t like her for. Funny huh? I love how I don’t like her because I’m excruciatingly jealous of her. She’s a “better friend” then me because she can pay for ya’ll to do stuff. Yeah. Okay. Whatever. I love you so much. I love you so much that I hurt so much. You made me feel so happy. I overlooked everything for you. I felt bad when you wanted me to feel bad. I love you. I do. God! Why? Why put in effort? Why try again if this could happen again? People change. I HATE IT! Ugh! I hate saying that, because you know why? Its true. Some people for good. Some people for bad. I’m going to try and give you a second chance… or… third… or fourth… whatever the hell number chance this is. But i promise this is the last time this is going to happen because I refuse to be hurt again. It hurts too much. It hurts far to much to quite literally stand in one spot and feel the shattered peices of a heart fall, destroyed by the acids of one’s stomach. I am going to give you a test. I won’t tell you what it is. If you read this whole thing you will know what to do. If you fail then you will fail. No more Womb because Womb would have sensed what to do. If you pass then I only hope this won’t happen again. To Error To Is Be Human.

I Love You With Everything I Can.

I find myself shackled to the bad habits I try to avoid.
Chomping down on my bottom lip trying to contain my smile.
Forcing myself to feel pain in order to restrain a blush.
If you know, the silence is comforting, makes me feel as though I’m not a fool.
It’s as bad as changing a blind man’s furniture around without telling him.
Like liquorish, bitter, different, strange.
But I guess some people like it, swinging it around like whips and plucking off pieces to chew.
Why beat at locked doors with no one behind them?
Like last time, I know what is wrong and this falls into the same category.
I’m trying to become an adult but the butterflies tell me different, making me feel childish and giddy.
Sadly, I defend myself by saying I like the liquorish because it’s bitter.
Why? It’s like fire to me.
So different, like sweet and sour candies. Me being the sour of course because I work at it.
Obsession is at the tip of my tongue; thoughts constantly crashing against me.
Curiosity of the differences keeps me up and makes me feel similar to a child molester.
I can’t sleep because I fear that it’ll haunt my dreams and everything will spiral jaggedly.
And it’ll be like this until our flame is devoured under the wax.
Or until my lip is completely consumed and I walk around with a bloody smile and rosy cheeks.

Yeah. Graduation!!! =D. Yay. Now for another long post. =]. You know you like it. =P.

All week we [[the seniors of course]] had been practicing walking for graduation. And today we finally put it to good use. =].

In the morning, I was woken up by my middle sister, who was on the phone with my step sister.
“Call your friends to see if they have extra tickets.” WTF?! I was instantly pissed off. Because 1. I was woken up for a shitty question. And 2. Grrrrr. I just was. Because, we only get 8 tickets and mine were already taken.
1. Mom.// 2. Stepdad.// 3. Dad.// 4. Oldest Sister.// 5. Brother-in-Law.// 6. Middle Sister.// 7. Baby Sister.// 8. Cousin.
And suddenly my stepsisters want to come. I was so pissed off because, let’s face it, it knocked off my mojo.
“They don’t have any. Everyone wants extra tickets.” I growled.
I couldn’t go back to sleep because my heart was pounding from being pissed, so I got up and checked the phone and Blake called. INSTANT HAPPINESS! =D
“Bruh! Wanna go get a P’Zone wich me?” God! I love her.
I hesistated because my sisters and brother were in and I didn’t want them to feel abandoned. So I asked “Would be cool if I ran away for an hour?”
“That’s fine.”
“Oh. I thought you were still sleeping.”
Both which meant yeah, so I told Blake yes. I got dressed and then she came over.
Being that she bought the outfit, she wanted to see the Cap&&Gown on me, er… in general. And we recently discovered that she’s three inches shorter then me. [[WHO KNEW?!]] So the “gown” came shorter then it should have and of course… fucking bridget… I looked like a fucking cow with my fucking hips. The gown was not so loose on my fucking-hips as it was supposed to be. But that’s my fault because 1. I’m a cow. && 2. She’s shorter and its her’s. && 3. I was too scared to ask my parents for cap&&gown money. Yeah I know I shouldn’t have been scared to ask. Shut up. But it all worked out. Because Blake no longer goes to school and has no use for it. So I wore it instead.
So when I was done calling myself a “fucking cow” we went to Pizza Hut where we met up with one of Blake’s lovers…. well… Wishful-wannabe-lovers. He likes her but he doesn’t have a chance. He was okay. Shy, like all the rest of them, he didn’t talk because I was there. Maybe because he’s a jew. =P. [[Not really.]] But, we got P’Zones and we went to the park to eat them. Sitting on the ground and stoooff. She mostly paid attention to me because she didn’t like the kid and loves me. =DD. It was just the two/three of us, until!! I get a text frrrrooooommmm… *drumroll*…. Jasmine, My “hubby”. =]
TWIST!! Blake actually has a thing for Jasmine’s brothuh. And She/we are super worried that it’ll be awkward if the thing with Jasmine’s brother works out and Jasmine doesn’t like it, which to me, shouldn’t be because she doesn’t care who her brother dates, but theres always that paranoia.
After we finished our P’Zones, we sat and talked to the guy for a bit, who obviously liked her. Sucks to be him!!! HAHAHAHAHA!… I mean… >.>… Awh. We went back home after a while, then she left to go home for a bit. But meanwhile, Jasmine came over. =].
The point of Jasmine coming over was to discuss her brother with Blake, buuuuuuutttt… Blake left before she got there and returned after she left. Her excuse “got caught up on something”… not a clue what that means… I asked if her I wanted to know and she said no, so I let my imagination at work. While Jasmine was over I redid her nails and looked over a trash mag that I practically knew everyone in. [[THERE WAS A PICTURE OF HUGH JACKMAN! =DDDD]]
She left and I started to straighten my hair, since the time was 3 and I needed to be at the school by 4. Blake came in and I finished and straightened hers too. After we finished I put my gown and cap on and all the bling that went with it and left, running a couple minutes behind.
I got to the school and I was perfect timing, everyone was already there. So I lingered with my group, feeling whole like I always do. It was weird to see Nina though. Not seeing her everyday… it was weird. But I felt good when I saw her, even though she teased me in the mean way she does. =]. Serenity was quiet. Everyone else was off else where. But I was with Nina and Serenity. =D.
We finally lined up for graduation and I was happy. I stood two people behind Jasmine, with a football player between us, but he didn’t stop us from chatting away. Although… I can’t help but to find him a bit… nvm… I don’t want to get yelled at for my bad taste even more so then I already do. XP. We got in there exactly how they rehearsed and we waited two hours for the ceremony. So many people cried, and I almost did too, especially during a song that was being performed during it from a redneck on a guitar. The lump reallllyyy hurt, but I didn’t. But everyone else was. But I stood strong… ish. =]. A couple of the girls that gave speeches broke before they even spoke their first words. I finally got my diploma. Thank effing god! Graduted with honors. =].
Ended up going:
1. Mama// 2. Stepdad.// 3. Oldest sister.// 4. Middle sister.// 5. Stepsister.// 6. Dad.
And thats it. So… I had 2 unused tickets… I kinda felt like shit because someone could have used them… but whatever.
After we went outside and threw our hats, I was in instant search for my family. My feet were kiiillliiinnnggg me. I caught Jack first. I ran to him and practically glomped him. I was just about to warn him of my Mom’s camera before… she showed up and snapped one. =]
Then I found Serenity and took one. =]
Jasmine.
Then Nina.
Then my family decided they were hungry and wanted to go to Beef o’Brady’s in the next town. We went home to pick up my Brother-in-law and my younger sisters and my phone… where I had a voicemail from a friend wishing me a happy graduation, saying that I should have stayed at the school a little more… but… I felt bad cause I didn’t. But I might hang out with them later. Maybe. =]
So we get to Beef’s and SMOOCH IS THERE!… I attack him naturally. =]. I hung out by his table and talked to his mom and family, then went back to mine and stuff.
We were eating when my middle sister was like “The Smooch family is leaving” I turn around and they’re all coming toward me. I hug his mom and his sister. I see him walking away and I reach to grab his shirt and drag him back to me. I put my head into his chest.
“I love you. Do you love me?”
“Yes.” =D
I let him go and I watched him walk away. I fear that itll be the last time I see him for a while. My Smooch. =[
I finish my dinner, we take a couple more pictures [[Mom, Stepdad, 5 sisters, Brother-in-law, and myself.]] and leave after deciding that we are going to get alcohol and go to G-ma’s to watch some sort of basketball? game?

The night went well. =]
Espeically after Orange Juice and… Heeee. =]. Just one glass. =P

Part 1: Before Prom:
Waking up at 9:30 to my stepsister calling to check in, I got up and re-warmed up my coffee, the most essential thing that human life needs more then oxygen itself. Filling it up with creamer and sugar, I sat by my Mom and listened to the rest of the conversation. Mom and I finished the episode of America’s Next Top Model that Mom was watching and then Mom went to the store. It was about 10:30 or something along this time.
Home alone, [[Court at the neighbor girl’s house and stepfather at work]], I finished watching the Jennifer Garner movie I had been watching, Catch and Release. A good movie by the way. I had only seen it once before so I recorded it and watched it. I liked it a lot like I did the first time. Of course I like Jennifer Garner, she’s duh bomb diggity. After I finished the remaining 40 minutes of Catch and Release and then started on The Crow.
And WOW! The Crow! Is just so effing amazing that I squeal. No joke. One will die if one has not seen it. If you haven’t seen it… get to it. I had only seen it once with Serenity. =]
But then… my oldest sister called. She went to see the new Wolverine movie and didn’t understand some of it. Being a HUGE nerd and Hugh Jackman fan, I understood every detail. Although, I didn’t like how Cyclops was in the movie. Really? Wolverine didn’t know Cyclops beforehand… at least not for my knowledge. Oh, and if you haven’t seen the movie, its that big of a giveaway, the red lasers and the building, yeah that’s Cyclops. Don’t bitch at me. I saw it the day it came out. =]. Thank you Nina. =D
BUT! I was explaining the movie to her when Blake called in. I flashed over and we talked for a second and then I went back to finish explaining the movie and Star Trek. Took 10 minutes. T.T. I went back to Blake.
Blake was all: If I can get someone to cover for me I can go to dinner with ya’ll, which to me… is the shit. I was so happy, but I didn’t want to get too excited because, what if she couldn’t come?
Dinner plans originally: Serenity, Damien, Nina, and I.
But over the course of a couple days we got Smooch, Winifred, and Kit to join. And then at the moment, we got Blake to join. Smooch’s best friend, Mac, wouldn’t join us [[nor would he even at prom]].
I spoke to Blake for about 20 minutes before Nina called in to tell me she’ll be picking up Kit and be on her way to my abode. And then… Court called from the neighbor’s house on the other line. Blake left, freeing the other line for her to call. She asked if Mom was home, which she wasn’t. After I finished with Court, I called Blake back. I didn’t ask why she left, which was probably because I constantly left her waiting. I wanted to apologize but none of it was my fault!!! But, I did anyways, because I did want to talk to her and I did want her to come to dinner.
After a while, we got off the phone with each other so she could go call that one chick to see if the girl will take the shift off her hands. I got up to change into my bathing suit top since I knew we were going to swim as soon as Kit and Nina get there and I was too lazy to put a bra on. After I put the bathing suit top on, I watched a little more of The Crow until Mom came in. Your friends are here. Sure enough, behind her were Nina and Kit.
We were traveling down the road and I told Kit, ‘That’s Rae’s mom. Well maybe not.’ But then we turned on the road and turns out it was.We helped with the groceries Mom got us. I took allergy medicine and we all changed into our bathing suits.
Talk about fun. Let me tell chu about attempting to teach Kit to swim. Kit can’t swim. It’s not her fault. Her dad has this weird paranoia, since she has a hole in the side of her head, literally, a small one by her ear, and her uncle did too, and he drowned, her dad has a paranoia that she will too. So, she never really learned to swim. So, Nina, me, Court, and Court’s friend, the neighbor girl, tried to teach Kit to swim, my mom tanning on the pool deck. We tried to teach her to float, which worked until she couldn’t maintain to keep her head up. And then she forgot to come up for air… WHO FORGETS TO COME UP FOR AIR?!?!?!? T.T.
But! After swimming/teaching for about an hour and a half, we all got out and ate pizza that mom got us. Then we took turns showering, since it was time to start getting ready for Prom.
It was about 3 something around this time. We needed to start getting our hair done at 4.
My mom is amazing. She’s talented and social. She’s great and can do hair like a beast. So, she did my hair, deciding that my hair had been straightened so much that it can’t even hold a curl made by a curling iron anymore, unless it was large. So the style she picked for me, was pretty, went well with my dress.
Then she did Nina’s. It was Nina’s idea to get our hair done by Mom. I wanted to get it professionally done. But I had told Nina about how Mom had done my middle sister, stepsister, and my stepsister’s friend’s hair a couple years ago, and she wanted her hair done by Mom too. Ugh. And being since she wanted her hair done by Mom, I had to get mine done too. So, I compromised. And I don’t regret it.
As Mom was doing Nina’s, Kit was straightening her hair, which helped ALWOT before Mom and I got a hold of it and finished straightening it, although yeah… Mom did a shitload more then I did. And when Mom was done with Kit, she was by far the most sexiest thing on the planet. Hands down. No joke. She was hot. She has deep chocolate skin that not a lot of girls have these days and an amazing shade of blue/green/turquoise dress that couldn’t have been more perfect for her.
Then… To top it all off Blake called. She could come to dinner but couldn’t make it to prom since she didn’t get a hold of the people she needed to get a hold of to go. But she made her way to my hizouse where she helped Nina put make up on, and put on her prom dress from last year, since she didn’t buy a new one to go this year, nor was she going. It was really purty.
She left to go to one of her friend’s house and then decided to meet us up at the restaurant. I called Serenity and Damien, they were already there, and had been for 40 minutes already, waiting for a table for 8 to be cleared. Kit and Nina put glue on nails on my fingers and then we left, joining the rest of the group at the table.
We got there and the whole group was there already.
Serenity was so pretty! =D. She had her hair done, a curly ponytail that couldn’t have been done any better. I wanted to touch it, but didn’t in fear that I would break the beauty. Her dress was black and white and so flattering for her porcelain white skin.
Winifred wore a bright orange/red dress that had a V cut to it, her hair curly as well, pulled into a twist that was like a volcano of curls. She was so small and cute.
Nina had a sky blue dress that matched her new tattoo. It reminded me so much of Cinderella, even though Nina had SO MUCH more fashion senses. It was purty and shiny.
Blake wore a golden strapless one that I wanted because it looked like something that Belle would wear. XDD. I didn’t tell her that, nor anyone else… cuz… I’m an idiot. XD. But it was fitting and purty.
THEY WERE ALL PRETTY! =D
Damien wore black and white to match Serenity. He wore complete black except a white tie. He pulled it off.
Smooch wore pink, white, and black that matched didn’t go with Winifred but it still looked good on him. His tie was pink. That’s it…. From my knowledge.
We all order salad and soup. It was what we all agreed on getting. The cheapest thing on the menu. Breadsticks were already on the table, free? I think. It’s an Italian restaurant there WILL be free breadsticks.
It was all pretty good as were the pictures that were taken.
And no I wasn’t the one to suggest dessert. And I did not want the chocolate fudge/mousse that did not taste amazingly great. And I did not try the three other desserts that went around the table… oh wait… I don’t think I tried the cheesecake… I MEAN!!! THERE WAS NO AMAZINGLY DELICOUS DESSERT! XD
BUT! At this point, it was 830. Or so. The original plan was to be at prom by 8:30, being fashionably lately late.
But I still had to go by my grandmother’s since she lived, quite literally down the road 4 and half minutes. I felt obligated to go over there and allow her a couple snapshots.
We left the restaurant, meeting outside. The whole 8 of us. My favorites and best friends all together for what seemed like the last time ever. I found myself thinking, wondering if it would be the last time. Sadly, I believe it will be.
College is coming up and we will be parted, no matter how much we want it to be different.
Serenity is going to St. Leo.
Nina is going USF.
Blake is going to a church college. [[Sorry love, the name slipped my mind.]]
Smooch is either going with Nina or staying with me to the local college.
Damien and Winifred are still underclassmen and are staying for a couple more years. Especially Damien.
Kit, I’m not too entirely sure what she’s doing with her life.
Blake needed to go home, since she couldn’t come to prom with us, even though she looked amazing in her dress.
They said her goodbyes.
I probably won’t see ya’ll for a while. Except you of course. – Blake Directly To Me.
I pull her in for a hug and stay there for as long as I could before she pulled away. Everyday, I worry when will be the next time I see Blake. She’s my special child. She’s the exception to all my rules. I don’t see her everyday nor do I talk to her everyday. I wish I did, like I used to, just to know if she was okay. I know she has this whole other life that doesn’t involve me. I worry but it’s what she needs. Someone she worries about worry about her.
It took everything I had to walk away from her and say bye. I told her I loved her and walked away to the rest of the group.
Being that I still needed to go to my grandma’s and Damien and Serenity hadn’t an idea where they were going, we agreed that they would follow Smooch and Winifred, as Nina, Kit, and I went to our destination.
We get to my grandmother’s, I greet both of my grandparents, introducing them to both Nina and Kit. We take pictures, and then off to Prom we go.

Part 2: At Prom:
Nina, Kit, and I arrive at 9, an hour late.
And the first thing I see is Jack! And he looked really cute. He looked so gentleman like and he still had the little flower in his pocket, he looked so put together. I smile and walk up to him. Fucking hormones.
“Hey hot stuff. Having fun?” I asked him, smiling at him. Fucking… Ass…. Fucking WHORE!
He said yeah and asks if we just got there. I nodded, and let him off with Jolene who wore a T-length dress, layered and black. She came up to me and poked my dress, looking at the detail of my dress. But then I noticed what she was really doing.
She was showing off her corsage that had little roses in it. I rubbed it to see that it was real. I looked at her, a huge smile on her face. He swooped in and kissed the side of her head. Forcing a smile, I left them to find the table that Serenity and Damien were sitting at, in the back right, Nina traveling behind me, Kit gone within two seconds.
Mentally, I beat myself with open palms like I always did when he was around. I made my way to them and set my camera and ticket down.
“Where’s Kit? We need to take pictures.”
She left with someone. – Nina.
“Dammit.”
Well, let’s go. If she’s not there, I’ll just change the order. – It may have sounded bitchy, but really? Kit knew we were going to do pictures. Plus, at this point the shoes were killing me like beasts.
Nina and I went to the pictures order form, Kit wasn’t there. Well shit. Really Kit?!
We beat you! – Serenity putting on a funny face while she and Damien were at the picture order table as we enter the miniroom. I smile at her and stick my tongue out at her. They go up as Nina refills her form out.
I pull off my shoes and walk up stairs, watching Nina behind me, who has a stair phobia. I make it to the top and wait for her to make it to me before I watch away and watch the last of Serenity and Damien’s shoot. Nina joins me and we wait for them to finish and then the couple that was between them and us.
First, Nina goes on, her parents wanted a photo of just her. Then I joined. They took one snap and we were good done deal. With the photos we get a certain amount of photos of various sizes, but I was in it for the keychain. There will be a keychain of our photo. I will stick it on my key ring and it will be mine. =]. I look forward to that keychain.
We go down stairs, be place our shoes on the table where Serenity and Damien were, and Nina and I go out to the dance floor where Smooch, Winifred, Kit, Ashley, and Tabitha were. They were getting their funk on, and I joined them.
For a man that is so fucking twiggy, Smooch was smooth on the floor. If one were to look up “cutting floor” in the dictionary, a picture of Smooch would be there. Rap songs he was all up and down, as if he had a shot of Redbull directly to his heart. Slightly slower songs, he was with Winifred.
Even some songs Serenity had dragged Damien over to the dance floor.
By the second song, I had a drip of sweat riding down my leg, working them more then I usually did, or maybe it was just hot. I was hot. XD. =]
We took pictures, Nina and I, of our friends that we ran into. So many faces, I would forever remember as people I knew in high school. People whose faces I would remember until I died, but not their names.
About halfway through, I heard my name and a tap on my arm, I turned to see my uncle. An uncle that I rarely get to see except a couple times a year, like twice. He’s my Dad’s sister’s ex-husband, my cousin’s father. I was so shocked at seeing him that I hugged him three times. I was so happy and surprised to see him. =]
The music, all of which I knew, and I danced to as much as I could.
I danced and danced, like the Lady Gaga song, until I smelled the familiar scent that could only be one person, Serenity.
I turned around to see her and Damien.
We’re gonna go.
“What time is it?”
11:20 [[or something around that time.]]
Keep in mind that it was over at 12. I bit my lip, and whimpered. But that didn’t stop them. We stopped dancing and Nina and I walked them to the door.
Nina and I walked over to the table and fiddled with our cameras for a couple minutes, before Smooch and Winifred came over to collect their stuff.
We left when it ended.
“If you think I wanna know this, where are ya‘ll going?”
To a dark corner. – Smooch.
“Nice.” XD “Bye. Love ya’ll.”
They left and we fiddled with out cameras even more. Until Gavin came over and suddenly.
Gavin, how do you feel about dancing with me? – Nina.
NINA SCORED!!! I watched as they walked away and disappeared into the crowd of people.
I stood up and went on a not-so-random walk toward the other side of the building, where I sat opposite of Jack and Jolene.
Jolene and I talked about a slow kid at that goes to our school that is in the band with the three of us about how he might have had a slight case of autism, which was obvious to everyone who knew of such a thing. We talked about senior skip dad, Jack and I. I stayed with them as long as I could stand it, until a slow song came on and they got up.
It was the last time I saw them that night.
I went back over to see Nina sitting by herself, fiddling with her dress. I smiled, a relief from what I had sat ten minutes through. I sat across the table from her, like I had been.
11:40.
How would you feel if I went outside?
“Fine.”
She collected her stuff, her shoes, and purse.
“Are you going with Gavin or by yourself?”
Just come out to the car in a few minutes.
She gave her answer and left.
For the first time that night, I was alone. As peaceful as it was, I wanted company and I had no one. Not that I didn’t enjoy it because I have to say… Go Nina. =]. I was proud of her. =D

Part 3: After Prom:
12:00. Prom was over. I collected our shit, and went out to the car. Nina wasn’t there. My first thought was that she must have gone to look for me, although I knew better.
Kit caught up with me at the car and we went back inside to look for Nina and get our senior prom gift bags. I saw my uncle in the corner and I gave him another hug and told him about a graduation shindig I might be throwing the day after graduation. He said he might come.
Nina no where in sight.
Kit and I go back to the car and Nina is there now. Okay. Cool. =]
Nina and I go back to get a gift bag and then go back to the car.
We take Kit home first. Then we go to Sunoco and get me a Redbull.
On the way home, I get a text from a friend. And we talk all the home and more.
Its 1:30 when I get home.
I wish Nina good night and go inside.
My texting buddy and I talked until 4:15 when I clocked out.
Prom was over.

Part 4:
IT WAS THE SHIT! =D.

So much has happened in the past couple weeks. I guess I could just start with an update on my last blog:

1. He went back to her. Of course he did. I hate him for it. I wanted him to hurt so much. I wanted to throw a spear through his fucking head. But, as the world hates me so, a spear is nowhere in sight and I have absolutely no aim. I’ll tell you my side from the beginning.
He was scared shitless. I was forced to take her home with him. I can’t not take him home. Why can’t I just leave him there? Why the hell do I let him use me like that? [[But back then I cared sooo much.]] But… Two weeks they are broken up and he makes me take her home with him. >.>. Worried out of my mind, I call him at 9 o’clock that night. I kept making myself call other people so I didn’t have to call him. But my chance comes. He takes her back. “My rules. She breaks one rule and we’re done.” He did exactly what he said he was going to do. Take her back. “People change. People are going to be mad at me for taking her back. But I actually believe people change.” I resisted the urge to yell at him, maintaining my tears and anger. “I was scared that you [[me]] would be mad.” Of course I was. “Yeah. Some people change for the worst.” “What does that mean?” *Claws own fists til blood* I felt so used. I felt so useless. I wanted to kill him. Absolutely murder him. Its been what? 3 weeks? Something like that. I’ve taken them to his house everyday since.
I guess, I’ve grown numb to it. I want so much to just move on. I want to find someone new. But… For now, I just have to keep making cruel hits on him like “King of all assholes” to just force myself to get over him. He’s an ass anyways.

Okay. Now that I can think of nothing more about him. Lets move on… Light Of My Life.

2. This child, means the world to me. She’s my best friend. I’ve written so many blogs with her in it, but never really explained who she was to me… at least… not from what leaps to mind. Before her, I was a broken heart, alone and dark… I guess. Idk. I was surviving on what normal people shouldn’t survive on, just air. I was a new girl to the school. Of course it took until like… the end of October for us to actually click. Three years later, she means absolutely everything to me. I don’t mean that lightly. I mean, quite literally, I would take a bullet for her. She made me complete like I wasn’t for so long. I love her. But now that we are comfortable with our friendship and not amazing like best friends should be; She got a boyfriend that makes her blood sing && I stepped down. Anything to make her happy. As my previous blogs have said, I had some serious jealous moments over the two of them for the past year. [[Yes they have been dating for almost a year. A year in like two weeks or something. Which: Yay Light And Damien!]] I hated him for taking her away from me. I wanted so badly for things to just be the way they were for two years before he came in. But… She’s in love. I have to support that natural human occurance. I guess still most of me hates that he has her a SHITLOAD of the time and he throws a fit whenever we have her… yeah… really?… But…. As of recently… I found out… that even if we grow apart, I really and truely think that I still have a little piece of me in her. Its hard to see with all her Damien… but I think that I’m still there. Yeah, I may still get jealous that her skin shines and her smile becomes natural at the mere sight of him and not me… But I know that its what happens when someone is “twitterpated”… right? From Bambi? XD. I would know… not to the extent of love… but… to the extent of feeling complete. I fear asking her to hang out with me in fear that… deep down she really just wants to be with him instead of me. So, I told her… “You ask to mingle with me. Not me ask you.” So when she asks… I know that she honestly and truely just wants to be with me. Because… she should know… no matter what happens… I will clear my calender for her in half a second. Four hour phone conversation. We couldn’t shut up. =]. I really love her. And I hate that we don’t have as much time as we used to. But… I think that things will get better. I feel it in my bones. Ma petite. <334.

Wow… that was long. I haven’t had a computer in like… 2 weeks. I’m kinda dying. Not having the ability to update you… even though I know only certain people read this…. But… I’m not quite done yet….

3. Luff Muffin. Yeah… You didn’t see this coming. I have all day with you in class. You piss me off… immensely… alot. To have you always breathing down my neck… and I know I do the same thing to you. In spanish… okay…. I can deal. Its one period. Sometimes I’m moody, or your moody, or the whole fucking world is just pmsing…. But it really pisses me off, I make it quite obvious that I want to be alone, like when im reading or trying to write… I may make you sound like a bad you sound like a total bad guy… But I want you to know… that I really do like our time in that class. Although… I could live without ALWOT of the touching you think I don’t notice. You touch me ALWOT… and I REALLY hate it. I know that I give affection and we totally have had this conversation before that since I give it I should be able to recieve it… I can’t my dear. All the touching must cut in half. No more kicking or random poking… it really irritates me. I’m sorry… I can’t help it. In 3rd period… I sleep. I’m sorry, its what I do. Im conditioned now… Its a nasty little habit of a condition…. but its what I’ve grown used to. And when I do sleep you adapt and you talk to Linette and De. So, when you bitch about how I always sleep and I don’t talk to you… that makes me want to throw my desk at you. I just spent probably most of the previous period with you… right? What in the world is there to talk about that you can’t wait until lunch to talk about? Sometimes you don’t complain… like today. I loved today… [[Me, you, and Womb went to Olive Garden today.=D]]… Its like you knew that I was going to sleep because of the rain. And its moments like those that I love you for. We’ve been together for so long that our horomones basically can read each other… [[except I have a malfunction to tell when your mad or just being sarcastic... which my little mind can't handle.]]… that you basically know what I want… and sometimes vice versa. I’m like a book you say. So, my dear, don’t get lost in translation… Please stop all the “But if it were ___ you’d do it” it gets irritating. Sorry. I’m really trying to give you kudo points too, because for as much time as we spend together, your not too terribly bad all the time. =P. But… I guess its the moments that you upset me that I feel the urge to bag on you. I love you. I really do. Yes, I do have panic attacks when your upset with me. Its an event that very few have the ability to conjure out of me. Be grateful.

Almost done. I think… I haven’t decided. I should go to bed… But I wanna finish this…

3. Womb. My Sporkuh. My Bruh. =]. We’ve lost ourselves the past couple weeks. I have spoken little to none of you for the past couple weeks. You make me worry. You make me have nightmares. Stressful, you child. Rewind a couple months, I saw you everyday. I listened to you, I loved your very presents. I regret not taking it all in, not knowing how I’d go from seeing you everyday to feeling 1/3 empty everytime I didn’t see your car in the student parking lot. I needed you most when I was losing the light or when I was shoved off the pirate ship or when the muffins were a little too burnt. My mother tells me I’m a needy person. I discover how right she was when I wore your jacket to school and would take a couple sniffs of it to make it seem as though you were with me, surviving school along side me. It was like I had allowed you to come in at max capacity and yet you left me, chunked away like a cookie that was bitten into and not finished. I really did like that kid. He was different. He actually talked. Of course… connecting the dots… I could have killed him for “The Marine”… if only I had a bat with nails at the end of it… or a car that I could dispose of. Child! You mean so much to me. And I know alot to you… or at least I think I do… my soul survives on that hope. So… whenever I had you over I would invite him because… like Light… I was scared that you wouldn’t be happy without him. And I was semi-happy that I knew that you spent your nights with some character that actually laughed at my stupidity with me. But… at the end it just wasn’t worth the stamp of approval. He’s a jerkface… I think… from what I recall you telling me of why ya’ll broke up. Dear, its 1230 in the morning… Sorry if I don’t recall it all at hand… except that one thing…. that I could glomp you for and I’m sorry that you had to suffer that by yourself. You know what I speak of… I hope. But today… Me, you, and Luff Muffin, went to Olive Garden, it made me happy, for you to be there… although… I could have honestly survived without the investigation of how innocent I am. You damn well know how innocent I am. Jerkface. *covers self* I like it this way. And I’m sorry we couldn’t go the xmart… One day… I guess… if it makes you happy… T.T… But… going today… made me feel whole again… like you never left school… *glomp*… I would trade anything for you to just be there more often… but I can’t wish that if that is not what you can do. I understand you have a whole other life without me, like it was before me… but… a girl can dream right? You bring me stress child. But I love you. =]

OKAY!!! I CAN SAY I’M HONESTLY DONE BITCHING ABOUT MY FRIENDS!! Now just small updates:

I have found Heroes as a new addiction. My sister broke up with her boyfriend a little over what? A week ago? Or so… And she brought all her shit home. She had the first two seasons of Heroes… I haven’t stopped watching them. XDD. ITS ADDICTIVE!! But… I can’t watch whats on TV until I’m caught up… I refuse to watch until I’ve seen every episode. Although… That will be never. But! I love it. Its really great! *controllable squeal*. I likeuhduh show. Alwot. =]

Now to bed. =]

I used to call you Elizabeth. But, I found the perfect name for you. I don’t know your excuse. And I half don’t want to know. Really? You left. It was your fault for not having controlled your fucking horomones. You will cause pain. You’re like a cramp. He’s so afraid of you. He’s afraid he can’t say no. And that little fact causes so much pain. Of course everyone is going to fucking side with him. He’s never hurt you. Its always been you. Always! You were always the one to leave! As much as people change, really? A third time? God! It pisses me off that you absolutely have no idea how much you don’t realize you hurt him. You are so caught up with being greedy, trying to make yourself happy that it doesn’t even cross your mind that you being with him hurts him. Granted, that it used to not. He always wanted to be with you because you made him feel complete. You made him feel accepted and loved. You were, without a doubt, his first love. But tell me Jolene, what the fuck does it feel like when your first love, your first taste of the world, turns bitter? How the fucking hell can you fucking turn around, after being with another guy, turn back to him? He’s an idiotic, obnoxious ass. But he sure as hell deserves better then you. I don’t know you. I don’t. I wanted to be your friend. I really tried. And I can’t help but to find you a threat. It sucks because I want to be your friend because you find me funny, well…. sometimes. And you fit into my pants. >.>… But, really? Jesus Christ child. Because I find you a threat, I can’t help but to want you to find pain like he finds pain. You may hurt because of god-knows-what, if I wanted to know I would ask. But since you are you, I wouldn’t consider telling me anything, because I will use it against you. I’m nice until you piss me off. Don’t mess with my friends.

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene,
I’m begging of you please don’t take my man.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene,
Please don’t take him just because you can.

Jolene. ( Jolene.)
Jolene;; Dolly Paron.