Xxshadowraexx's Weblog

Shake It Off.

xxshadowraexx — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:33:37 +0000

It’s Been Quite Some Time
Since I’ve Posted Anything.
So, I Thought I Would.
Mostly Because…
Something Is Wrong.
Not Too Sure What.
And It Scares Me.
I Can’t Feel Anything.
Those I’m Around A Lot,
I.E. My Coworkers,
Find Me Always Angry,
Pissy, On-Guard.
I Don’t Know Why.
I Understand,
I Was Doing My Woman Thing
Two Weeks Ago.
But The Past Few Days,
Four Or Five,
Nothing.

I’m Going To See My Housepet,
Officially.
We’ve Made The Plans,
I’ve Saved The Money,
I’m Preparing My Car.
I’m So Excited!
But I Can’t Feel It.
Mentally, I’m Excited.
Like, After Four Months,
I Miss His Face. Lol
But…
My Body Is All Blah.

I’m Seeing Nina, For The First Time,
In Six Or Seven, More, Months,
I Can’t Seem To Conjure Physical Happiness.
I’ve Missed Her.

I Feel Like, I’ve Cut Myself
Out Of So Many People’s Lives.
I Haven’t Been Meaning To.

It Seems Like The Only Time
I Get A Reaction…
Is When I See Mr. J.
I Saw Him Earlier.
I Wanted Nothing More But To
Spend More Time With Him.
I Miss Him.
But, I Deserve So Much More.

Rumors Are Going Around Work,
That A Coworker/Friend And I Are Together.
I Know What’s True And What’s Not.
So They Don’t Bother Me.
It’s Fun To Joke Around.
Rumors That We’ve Been At It For A While.
That We’re Showering And Fucking.
I Think It’s Funny.
This Kid, He’s A Good Guy…
Psychotic.
He Dated A Coworker/Friend,
And He Tossed Her Around,
And Stole Her Debit Card & SS Card.
It Was Bad.
He’s Psychotic.
So I Know Better Then To
Touch That Thing With A 10 Ft Pole.

I Don’t Think I Trust Anyone Anymore.

I Think This Whole Thing,
Started When I My Chick Friend/Coworker,
I Thought That She Had Almost Left Me.
She Tried To Reassure Me,
“I’m Not Like Others,” She Says. “I Won’t Leave.”
Yeah, That’s What They All Say.

I Feel Alone.
It Sucks, That
One Has To Have Broad Shoulders
To Love Me.

She Wouldn’t Have Been The First To Leave,
As Ya’ll Who Keep Up Read.
My Best Friend Left.
It’s No Big Deal Anymore.
I Think I Just Sorta Let Her Go.
She’s Far Happier Without Me,
One Hopes, That She’s Happy.

My First Love Also Left.
He Didn’t Just Break My Heart,
He Broke My Soul.
And I Was The Only One To
Pick Up The Shards Of Glass.
I Appreciate Everyone Who Tried To Help,
But Nothing They Said, Worked.
I Was Alone, The Whole Process.
Kit Was Going Through The Same Thing,
So She Couldn’t Help, Because,
Until Recently, Her Situation Was Better.
She Always Believed Things Would Work.
I Knew Differently.
I Didn’t Have Hope.
Nor Anything To Look Forward To,
But Another Day Of Finds Scattered Shards.

I’ve Been Trying To Find The Truth In:
“Make Yourself Happy, Then Others.”
I’ve Been Trying.
And For A Little Bit, It Was Working.
I Was Happy.

But Then This Shit Happens,
And I’m Not Panicing.
I’m Not Feeling Anything,
Except Scars Reopening.
I Only Feel Things When I’m Drunk.
And That’s Not Something I Want To Do
Everytime I Wanna Feel Something.

This Too Shall Pass,
I Suppose.
Maybe I’m Just Feeling Leftovers From
Being A Woman.
Or Maybe I Just Need To Get Laid. Lol.
Whatever It Is…
It’ll Pass.

Inertia.

xxshadowraexx — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 12:33:14 +0000

Since My Last Post,
I Have Gone Through A Lot.
Everything That Was Wrong,
Is Fixed.
A Complete Transformation.
I’m… Well… Content.

1. I Quit Steak N Shake.
I Was Getting Paranoid About My Health.
I’m Working Graveyard.
And DumbBitchBoss Wanted To Put Me
On Morning Shifts.
I Wasn’t Getting Any Sleep.
So I Went Where The Money Was.
And I Left.

2. I Got A New Car.
The Beast Is Now Officially Gone.
It Was Far Too Broken.
So I Worked My Ass Off,
And Got A New-Used Car.
It’s A Tiny Thing.
But I’m A Tiny Person.
I Love It So.

3. I Am Determined To See
My Housepet.
I Miss Him So Much.
He Told Me Exactly
What I Needed To Hear.
I Considered Him A
Best Friend.
I Guess You Don’t Know
What You Have Til
It’s Gone.
He Never Got That Title
Before He Left.
But Before He Left…
I Never Questioned
My Feelings For Him.
He Was My Housepet.
That Was All.
But I Think I Miss Him
A Wee Bit Too Much.
So “Only Do I Think About It”
Do I Get Butterflies Again,
Do I Smile Again.
I Don’t Want Anything Like That.
Especially With Him.
It’ll Ruin Anything We Have.
Except Apparently We’re
“Supposed To Get Married
In 6 Years.”
Whatever, Housepet.
You Ain’t In The Military Anymore.

4. I’m A Blonde.
[Juss Thought I'd Add.]

5. I’ve Found A New Self-Respect.
I Don’t Know If It’s Temporary,
Like The Last Ones Have.
But I Like What I Have Thus Far.

6. Because Of Mr. J.
He Finally Has A Nickname.
I Didn’t Give Him One
Because I Thought It Would
Jinx Things.
But Fuck It.
And It’s What Inspired Me
To Write This.
He’s Back With Her,
Unofficially/Officially.
I Don’t Know How Long It’ll Last.
And Nor, Do I Care.
He Dun Fucked Up.

He And I,
We’re The Same.
Heartless And Scarred.
He And I Both Deserve Better
Then What We Got.
Certainly Not Each Other.
For Opposites Do Attract, I Suppose.
I’m Batman.
He’s Mr. J.
“What Happens When
An Unstoppable Force,
Meets
An Unmovable Object.”
Or
“A Tornado Meets A Volcano.”
Whatever.
We’re Both Fucked-Up.
And That’s Not Cool.
I Love Him.
I’m Not Going To Fight That.
I’m Just Healing.
Who I Am
Is Fighting
How I Feel.
It’s Getting In My Way.
It’ll Cause More Harm
To Fight My Feelings,
Then To Fight Knight.
I Will Win.
Even If It Means
Leaving This Town.
This County.
This State.
My Independence Is Mine.
I Will Keep It.
There Is No Guy,
No Joker, No Knight,
That Will Fuck That Up.

7. But I’m Lonely.
Mr. J, Well,
He Kept That Away.
And Now He Is Not.
I’ve Finally Said Outloud,
“I Need A New Guy.”
I Want Someone That Will
Be In My Bed When I Get Home.
Or Me Be In There Bed When
They Get Home. [In A Good Way. Lulz.]
Someone That Will Pull Me Into
A Dark Corner.
A Guy That Will Tell Me,
I’m Pretty.
A Guy,
That Will SERENADE Me.
HAVE HUEVOS!
Not Be Afraid To Show Everyone.
Someone That Will Get Me Out Of My
No PDA Habit.
Imma Woman Of Mystery.
I Gotta Have Some Secrets.
And He Didn’t Do That For Me.
None Of That.
He Was Simply The Guy That
Took My First Time.
I Am Simply Just
A New Cherry To His Collection.
I Could Careless.
Hearts Break Everyday.
And I’ve Lingered On This One,
Honestly, Out Of Boredom.

Because I’m Awesome,
And Cute,
And Smart,
And A Hardworker,
And Talented.
I Deserve Nothing Less Then
My Equal.
Not Some Tease.

A Broken Warrior.

xxshadowraexx — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 03:48:50 +0000

I Feel Like My Life Is Spiraling Down.
If Not Spiraling, Plummeting.
I’m Losing All Control.
I Am Strong.
But Not This Strong.
I Can Handle One Thing At A Time.
My Mom Always Said
“Handle One Thing At A Time.”
But When It Comes Crashing,
I Don’t Know What To Do.
A Month Or So Ago:
My Beast, My Baby, My Vehicle,
Got An Oil Change.
Turns Out More Was Wrong With It.
For The Past Three Weeks Or So,
I’ve Been Keeping An Eye On It.
First It Was The Oil,
Then It Was My Breakpads,
Then It Was I Got A Goddamn Nail In My Tire,
Then It Was My Water,
Then It Was My Radiator.
I Can Handle My Car Being Broke.
I Can Fix That.
Then My Housepet Left.
I Care A Lot For This Kid.
I Need Something To Mother Or I’ll Burst.
Makes Me Feel Needed.
My Selflessness Overpowers My Selfishness.
I Can Handle Him Leaving.
But He Left Without Saying Bye.
He Just Got Up And Left.
I Couldn’t Believe It.
I Couldn’t Tell Him Bye, Take Care Of Himself,
Be A Warrior.
He Just… Left.
But He Left Everyone. No One Got To Say Bye.
Then Biology Fucks Me Up.
My Depo Shot Came With A Consequence.
Yeast. BV.
I Took A Shot For All Sort Of STDs,
Even Though He’s Clean, Which Means I’m Clean.
But They Offered, I Took.
I Paled Up Every Time They Were All Like
“This Is For AIDs, This Is For Syphilis,” Etc.
But I Know He’s Clean.
And To Top It All Off…
I Lost Him.
I Didn’t Want Him Back In The First Place.
I Don’t Know Where The Emotional Part Came From.
It Just Sort Of Sprung Up.
I Knew What I Was Doing.
I Knew What I Was Getting Into.
And Yet… He Found Another Girl.
“In A Relationship” Is His Status Now.
What A Goddamn Fuckin Prick.

“You Workin Overnight Tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok. Juss Trying To Get Back Into Creeper Mode. Lol.”
“Ur Timing Is Bad.”
“Of Course It Is. How So?”
“Lol. I Meet A Chick I Like And U Want To Become A Creeper.”
“Well Not Exactly. But I Guess That Works. You And I Have Got To Talk About This.”
“Talk About What?”
“This New Chick. It’s Not Fair To Me. You Say You Don’t Want A Relationship So I Push All My Feelings Back And I Go Numb. And I Try And Do Things For You To Keep You Happy And Make You Realize I’m Still Around. You’ve Repeated Over And Over How You Don’t Want A Relationship. That You’re Trying To Get You’re Head On Straight. When I’ve Straight Up Been Here For You To Help You Out. Despite How Much It Hurts Me. And Yet You Like This Chick. It’s Not Fair Whatssoever.”
“No Life Generally Isn’t Fair And U Supposed To Have Been Helping Me As A Friend. If It Was From Feelings U Shouldn’t Have Done It. And I Said I Like Her. We’re Going On A Date. Who Said I’m Jumping Into A Relationship. And If All Of This Has Been To Try And Maintain Something For Me From Feelings You Shouldn’t Have Done It. I Thought I Was Joking With The Sex Buddy And Stuff…”
“Did It Ever Occur To You? And You Just Ignored It? I Did It As A Friend Because I Want You Happy. I Wouldn’t Dare Push It Farther Because I’d Chase You Away. For Some Ungodly Reason You’d Run Away. I Care So Much For You And You Were Ungrateful And Ignorant. We Had Sex Because It Was Fun. That’s All. So I Kept You At A Distance Because YOU Said You Needed It. You Don’t Have To Jump Into A Relationship. But You Know Some 2% Of Me Thought: Let Me Do This For Him And Karma Will Be Proper For Me. A Glimmer Of Hope. A Glance In My Direction. The Fact That You Don’t Even Have The Slightest Clue How Much I Care For You Just Upsets Me. You Can Try To Imagine It. But You Wouldn’t Be A 10th Close.”
“The Real Question I Suppose Is: What Did I Do So Badly To You To Even Get A Second Chance? When I’ve Done Nothing But Give And Give And Not Ask For Anything In Return.”“Karma Doesn’t Work Or I Wouldn’t Be In The Shit I Am. And I Sorry I Listened To You Say You Weren’t In It That Way Anymore When I Knew You Were. I’m Not Asking For Anything Else And I’ll Get You Your Money. I’m Sorry I Don’t Feel That Way About You. That’s Just How It Is. Don’t Know That I Do About This Chick. But I Just Feel Something. Now End The 5 Page Txts.”
“I Feel As Though I Won’t Get Anything Across If I Don’t Say It All At Once. But I Would Like To Thank You For Motivating Me To Get My Life Together.”
“You Should Have Been This Whole Time. Jesus I Knew You Were Holding Something But I Didn’t Think It Was This Bad.”
“Lol. It’s Pretty Bad When Even I Wish To Use The L Word.”
“Yeah… Look Rae. Your My Friend But I Don’t Feel The Other Way For You. Idk What Happened. It Was There And Then It Just Wasn’t. Don’t Blame Or Be Down On Yourself.”
“Oh No. I Pretty Much Have Cried As Much As I Can. If I Kick The Beast Anymore It’ll Break. So Youre Safe From Me. Permanently. Like… I’ll Have To Hanker Down On Finding Someone To Fuck Now. Lol.”
“You’ll Be Fine. Life Goes On.”

And You Know What?
He’s In A Relationship With This Chick.
Like Officially.
It Hurts So Much.
I’m Not One To Say “Love” So Frequently.
Like Everyone I Know,
They Say “Yeah I Love Him.”
“I Thought You Loved The Last Guy?”
“Oh No. I Didn’t. I Love This Guy.”
No. I’m Not Like That.
I Did Really Did Love This Kid.
With Every Fiber That Keeps Me Together.
Now That He’s Backed Me Into The Corner Of Hating Him…
I’m Not Too Sure What To Do.

I Just Want My Life Back.
I Want Control.
I Can’t Do This Anymore.
Please.
I’m Begging Someone. Something. To Just…
Knock Me Out.
I Just Can’t Seem To Get A Grip On Things.
They Always Slip Through My Fingers.
10 GODDAMN MONTHS!
I Was There For This Kid!
I Was There! Within Reach!
And He Just Spat In My Face!
I Could Care Less For The Money.
I Don’t Want It.
I Don’t Care How Broke I Am.
I Just… I DON’T WANT IT!
It Hurts So Much!
How Could He Do This To Me?!
THE GODDAMN PAIN!
It Hurts So Bad!
It’s Like Last Time. The Constant Stabbing.
The Emotional Pain Is Enough.
Why Do I Have To Deal With The Physical Pain?!
As Housepet Said, The Last Time I Saw Him, Actually.
“Heartbreak Is Real. Because You’re Heart Is Actually Falling Apart.”
T.T

Easy come, easy go,
That’s just how you live, oh,
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.
Should’ve known you was trouble
From the first kiss,
Had your eyes wide open.
Why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, ’cause
What you don’t understand is

I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won’t do the same.

No, no no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me ’til I’m numb,
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you’re from.
Mad woman, bad woman, that’s just what you are,
Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, ’cause
What you don’t understand is

If my body was on fire,
Ooh, you’d watch me burn down in flames.
You said you loved me, you’re a liar, ’cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby!
But, darling

I’d still catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won’t do the same.

No, you won’t do the same
You wouldn’t do the same
Ooh, you’d never do the same
Ohh, no no no — ~~Gernade: Bruno Mars.~~

Another Perfect.

xxshadowraexx — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 20:22:18 +0000

“My telly died im sorry. Im really out of it. Lol. Like i canT stand straight. Lol. But all I gotta sayy is i am loyal to who i care for. i support you in anything you do to make your life to your satifcation. I wouldn’t want it otherwise. You mean a lot to me. More then anyone. But im not willing to wait for you. It wont take much convincing no. But i will try my hardest to decline because you are so bad for me. You are bad because I care so much more for you then you do me. Like meet joe black said “seach 1000 years and you still wont get a glance of it” or something along that line. I’m tirred of this unrequited shit and its not fair. No matter how much you push me away i will care. It sucks i know. Just think about how pathetic i feel. Craving and pining over an ex. Its horrible. But i dont regret anything. Neither should you. Good night.”

I Wrote This In A Drunken Stupor. Word For Word. Left As Is. Man I Spell Pretty Good For A Drunk Person. And Look At My Big Words. Fantastic! Lol.
I Had Just Finished Getting Drunk By My Karaoke Buddies Who Generously Bought Me Booze At Karaoke. VeeNice.
Drunken Words Are Sober Thoughts I Suppose.
It’s All True. Those That Can Vouch Are The Ones Who Have Been Keeping Track.
Using Me? Eh. I’m Using Him.
I Don’t Have Time For Shit Like Looking For A New Guy. I Am Focusing On Trying To Make Myself Happy. I Work All Time. Two Jobs. And Still Trying To Keep The Old Friends I Have. Dedicating One Day A Week To Seeing My Folks. It’s Hard. I Can’t Seem To Find Enough Energy In My Spare Time To Go Out With My Friends, Or Stay Up With My Roommates.
Plus They Say Love Is Better If You Don’t Go Looking For It.
The Sex?
Well, It’s Nice. It’s Clean. It’s Fun. And It Feels Damn Good.
It’s Not About Trying To Plant A Seed For A Relationship. [Hehe, I'm Funny.]
It’s About Just Getting Off.
I Know He’s Clean And He Does The Job.
It’s Better Then Taking Chances With Some Horrible Dirty Guy From A One Night Stand Just To Get My Fix.
Plus, For Some Reason, I Trust Him.
Not In An Emotional Sense. OH HELL NO! Lol
But In A Business-Like Sense.
“You Do Your Job, I’ll Do Mine. Don’t Get In My Way, I Won’t Get In Your’s.”
So It Works Out For Me.
It’s Not Like He Reads These Anyways…
But Dood, I’m Sorry If That Simple Txt Freaks Him Out.
Get Used To It.
I Know My Feelings. I Know What I’m Doing.
I’ve Got Control. Complete And Total Control.
Except Where You Put The Hickeys… You Asshole. Lol
I Think Sometimes, He Trolls Me.
Saying Shit Like “I’m Having Withdrawls” [Which Has Been Said Once In... 10 Months.]
Knowing Goddamn Well That That'll Make My Stomach Turn.

I Honestly Don’t Know How Many More Of These Blogs About Him There Will Be. I’m Just Sort Of Ranting About The Same Guy… But That’s What Blogs Are For.
I’m Not Going To Get All Romantic On Him. I Deserve More Respect Then That. If He Wants Something Like That Again, Then He’s Going To Have To Get Away From Me.
So I Guess That’s Why I Don’t Want To Try Again. I Don’t Want Him To Have Feelings For Me Again.
Because It’ll Come With A Price. The Price Of:
Either Stay And Be Friends. Or
Go Away And There Will Another Chance In A Long Time.

Maybe He Could Change My Mind.
Maybe He Can’t.
I Love Him.
He Needs To Either Man Up Or Shut Up.
These Are The Facts I Know.
[Like Reading The Back Of Twilight A Bit. -Shudders-]

All I ever wanted
Was to see you smiling
All I ever wanted
Was to make you mine
I know that I love you
Oh baby, why don’t you see?
That all I ever wanted
Was you and me

Now, give me a B

I’m so alone, here on my own
And I’m waiting for you to come
I want to be a part of you
Think of all the things we could do
And everyday you’re in my head
I want to have you in my bed
You are the world, you win my eyes
For you’re all I want in my life

All I ever wanted
Was to see you smiling
All I ever wanted
Was to make you mine
I know that I love you
Oh baby, why don’t you see?
That all I ever wanted
Was you and me
– All I Ever Wanted – Basshunter

Stupid Children.

xxshadowraexx — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 15:10:12 +0000

“So Are We Doing This Whole Benefits Thing Again?”
~~“I Guess We Are.”~~

I Have No Idea What I Am Doing.
The Day Has Come To Where They Were
Almost A Year Ago.
This Time Last Year, I Had Finally Givin Up On
Jack & Dante.
At The Same Time.
It Wasn’t Hard.
It Wasn’t Hard To Realize There Was Nothing Between
Them And I.
And Then This Juggernaut Came Charging Through My Life.
Knocking Out All Traces Of Stability.
Things Were Good.
Things Were Bad.
Things Were Pretty Fucked Up.
I Couldn’t Stand The Sight Of Him.
Made Me Just Want To Either Cry Or Kill Him.
I Can’t Imagine How Retarded I Look Because
I’m Giving Him Another Chance.
Like All Those People I Watch And They’re Just
Back And Forth And Back And Forth.
“They’re Dating…. AGAIN?!”
But We’re Not Dating.
We’re Keeping Things Subtle.
The Way I Like Them.
I Fear That We’re Growing An Attachment.
But I Won’t Let That Happen.
I’m Not Stupid Enough To Go Through That Again.
Not Til He Has His Life Together.
Not Til He Moves Mountains In His Life.
Granted, Proud Of Him, Now That He’s Kicked
Jolene Out Of His Life.
The Soul Sucking Parasite She Is.
And God Bless Her Soul When Her New Thing
Realizes She’s A Fucking Tumor,
When She Comes Running Back To Him,
Throats Will Be Slit.
Oh Fuck Yes, Throats Will Be Slit.
But, He Kicked Her Out Of His Life,
After Realizing And Accepting Everything
Everyone Has Told Him About Her.
She Doesn’t Deserve Him.
But Back To The Original…. Yeah…
I’m Proud That He’s Got His Car Running.
I’m Proud He Has A Backup Plan For The Job He Doesn’t Like.
I Am Extremely Happy That I Have My Friend Back.
But On Top Of The Constant Fear That I Will Break Again,
I Have Two Jobs.
When I’m Not Sleeping Or Driving, I’m Working.
I Don’t Have Time For A Relationship.
I Have To Make A Set Day Every Week To See
My Mom.
The Only Advantage That He Has To Seeing Me Often Is:
He Knows Where I Live.
And Where I Live Is: With His Best Friend.
Go See The Best Friend, Oh AND Rae. Tiz Cool.
The Fact That I Hate The Most Is That
It Won’t Take Much Convincing On His Part
For Me To Take Him Back.
I Lost Thirty-Someodd Pounds.
I Constantly Felt Like I Was Being Stabbed In The Chest.
I Was One Emotional Motherfucker.
And All Of That Is Just Physically.
Mentally I Felt… Typical Breakup.
Everyone Knows What It’s Like To Get Dumped,
No Need For Me To Unhash.
I Have Come To Accept That He Will Be
The First Of A Handful
That I Will Actually Love.
-Shudder-
Ugh, I’ve Said It. But Writing It… It Seems So… Strange.
But I’ve SAID It. Makes No Sense. Lol
I Had Gotten To The Point After Our Breakup
That I Could Date Others.
I Just Wasn’t Looking, Nor Did I Have Time For Others.
Summed Up:
Did I Make The Right Decision
Letting Him Back In My Bed?
I Don’t Know.
I’m Going To Try Not To Think About It Too Much.
[I Wrote A Blog About It, I'm Groovy Now. Lol]
I’m Not Going To Think About
How Much He Had Hurt Me,
How Much This Will Hurt If I Let Him Back Him,
Nor About
How In Step I Will Feel With Humanity Again,
How Nice It’ll Feel To Show Affection To Someone And Everyone.
I Am Not Thinking Anything Of This.
Just Two Best Friends Simply… Fucking.
=]

New Job. 6-11

xxshadowraexx — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 02:49:19 +0000

Yeah. It’s Been Pretty B.A.
I Have Officially Become A Server.
Working With People,
Instead Of Being Shoved In The Back.
Pretty Fantastic, If I Don’t Say So Myself.
Despite The Fact, I Hate People,
I’m Rather Good At This Job.
People Get My Jokes.
They Aren’t Completely Retarded.
My Jokes, Not The People.
Well… Sometimes The People.
They Are People, I Except To Run Into Dumbasses.
Soon.
But, Tonight Was My First Night Serving.
Pretty, Uh… Bad Ass.
Pretty Bad Ass. =D
I Am Going To Kick Ass At This Job.
Kick Ass At This One Like I Did The Others.
Fuck Yeah!

Side Note:
The Ex Is A Douche.
I Always Knew He Was One.
But To Ask Me To Be Used, It’s A No Go.
I Can’t Decide If I Want To Be Friends With Him.
I Was Just Looking At The Oppertunity To Have My Way With Him.
But He Was Looking At Me For Revenge.
“Well, If You’re Going To Go Out With Another Guy,
I Will Have Sex With This Girl.”
I Was PISSED When I Found This Out.
Oh, Btw, It’s With The Recent/Current, Jolene.
Awesome Right?
He’s A Fucking Asshole.
I’m Awesome.
I’m An Awesome Friend.
Awesome Girlfriend.
I Did Everything I Could To Make Him Happy.
I Gave Him Money When I Couldn’t Afford To.
I Let Him Borrow My Car When He Couldn’t Go Anywhere.
And Yet He Goes Back To Her,
The Manipulator,
The Bully,
The “Bitch” That Didn’t Understand Him,
Can’t Provide For Him, Except Parasiting Off Him.
He’s A Fucking Retard.
And He’s Going To Hate Himself When He Realizes
That Taking Her Back Was A Mistake.
Good Luck Man,
I’m Awesome.
And You’re Not. <3

Apologies A Plenty.

xxshadowraexx — Sat, 28 May 2011 04:58:31 +0000

I Am So Sorry.
Everything Is My Fault.
You Clearly Wont Take Of It.
Thinking You Were Right.
About Everything.
So Its My Fault.
I’m Sorry That You Had To Carry My Burden.
My Cursed Self.
My Damaged Soul.
My Monsters.
That You Clearly Are Not Well Fit To Handle.
I’m Sorry I Ignored All The Signs.
To Brush You Away.
Didn’t Listen To Anyone But My Heart.
Simply Because The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants.
I’m Sorry That You Had The Burden Of My Putrid Crushing Techniques.
My Clingyness Because I Wanted To Feel Not Only Understood.
But To Feel Normal.
My Desperate Attempt To Join The Ever Growing Pool Of
“Normal”.
My Latebloomer Qualities.
I’m Sorry That You Hate My Latest Habits.
I Dont Know What To Do.
A Contant Civil War Within Myself.
Honestly.
I Dont Want To Lose You.
I Cant Lose You.
The Vague Memories Of My “Normal” Self.
You Are My Only Connection To It.
I Constantly Have Nightmares That My Monsters Steal You Away.
Wake Up Crying.
I’m So Sorry.
None Of This Would Have Happened…
None Of This SHOULD Have Happened.
Not That I Regret It.
It Was Just A Big Mistake.
You Want To Be My Friend.
And I Want To Be Yours.
That’s All.
You Dont Believe Me Because I Slip.
I Slip Into The 2% That Misses You.
Dood I Loved You.
How Can I Simply Just Drop That!?
It Hurts So Bad.
It Still Hurts.
But I Am Able To Move On.
Because I Am Young And You Are Not Worthy.
Not That You Arent The Perfect One.
Because Lets Face It.
I Cant Imagine A Better Person For This Situation.
The First Time.
I Have Moved On.
I Have To Work To Be Your Friend.
You Bitch Me Out For Not Talking To You When You “Try” To Talk To Me.
Because I Bitch At You For Not Talking To Me When I Wanna Talk To You.
But Dood!
Yet Again.
I Loved You.
You Didnt Feel Remotely The Same Way.
And Thats Ok.
Because You Have Walls Around You.
Like I Do.
And Yet Again….
I Am So Sorry.
I’m So Sorry.
I Am So Sorry For Trying To Pull You Away.
I Am So Sorry For Feeling The Way I Did.
I Have Moved On Because I Dont To Apologize To Everytime
I Say Something Wrong.
You’re My Friend.
And As Such Give Me A Goddamn Break.
I Am Sorry That You Have To Put Up With
My Childish Obsession Of You.
But You Say You Understand.
Do You Really?
After Everything Jolene Has Done To You?
Goddamn You!
I Am A Good Friend!
I Do Not Parasite Off You.
I Do So Much For You.
I Have To Work To Be Your Friend.
Because You Mean A Lot To Me.
I Wont Simply Throw You Away Because
You’re Hardheaded And Think Youre Always Right.
Because You Wont Take Any Of The Blame For Us.
I Am So Sorry That You Dont Truely Understand.
I May Be Young And Naive
But I Know Who I Am.
I Know I Have Issues.
And It Will Always Be Just Me And My Issues.
But I Am Sorry For Knowing This.
I’m Sorry That You Dont Understand.
I’m Sorry You Keep Knocking At A Well Closed Door.
And I Am Sorry That I Do Too.
I Dont Mean To.
Because For Your Sake,
God You Shouldnt Have A Psyco On Your Arm.
But For My Sake,
Jesus Man!
Take It Easy On Me.
“I Didnt Really Want You
But I Need You Now.
Was So Foolish Of Me.”
I Am Trying My Goddamn Hardest
To Get Rid Of My Feelings.
I’m Sorry Im So Cold.
I’m Sorry That I Cant Win You.
I’m Sorry I Still Try,
I Dont Mean To.
I Love You.

The Final Wave.

xxshadowraexx — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 03:29:22 +0000

I Love Him.
Yeah.
Eh.
But As Of Yesterday, I Had To Close That Chapter Of My Life.
It Happens Man.
He Needs To Straighten Out His Life.
And He Will Always Be Obligated To Jolene.
He Told Me This From The Get-Go.
He Told Me This When He Broke Things Off.
I Just Didn’t Believe Him.
I Loved Him And Didn’t Realize It Til Recently.
My Coworker-Friend Asked Me If I Loved Him.
I Said No, Almost Immediently.
Because My Trust Issues Run Too Deep.
But When I Told Him Of This,
He Told Me,
“I Think You Love Me As Much As You Can.”
Despite How I Know That It Will Always Be Me And My Monsters.
Me And My Monsters.
What A Sad Story.
And Now I Feel As Though He Won’t Even Speak To Me.
It’s Not A Big Deal.
Today I Was Beyond Happy.
I Was The Happiest I Had Been Since Two Weeks Before We Broke Up.
Now My Monsters Have No Reason To “Dance” Or “Stir”
Or Whatever Poetic Word I Choose.
I Have Decided That I Will Not Wait For Him.
He Is Well Worth The Wait.
But Hey, I’ll Find Someone That Will Wait For Me.
That Will Find Me As Spectacular As I Found Him.
His Only Flaw Was That Someone Found Him Flawless Before I Did.
Or So I Thought.
Thinking It Through,
He Has His Life On Pause.
Not That He Can Help It.
But, It Seems As Though The Past Few Weeks Have Been Forever.
Since Deciding I Was Going To Wait For Him, It Lasted Forever.
I Will Always Remember Him As The “First”.
The First Time.
The First Love.
The First Leap Of Faith.
But Now,
I’m Going To Live My Life.
I’m Going To Move On
And Simply Wait For Someone To Find Me Awesome.
Despite The Fact I Know I’m Fucking Awesome Already. Lol
But It’s Over.
I Love Him.
That’s It.
I Will Move On.
Something A Lot Of People Don’t Grasp.
There ARE Other Fishes Out In The Ocean.
I’ll Stumble Upon Mine When I Least Expect It.
But I’m Not Going To Wait For Him Either.
I’m Going To Live The Life I Want.
Find The One Outside Of The Monsters.
My Monsters Will Always Be Apart Of Me.
But They Are Simply My Yang To My Yang.
My Balance.
Everyone’s Got Issues.
I Simply WON’T Let Mine Get In The Way.

There’s a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally, I can see you crystal clear.
Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare.
See how I leave, with every piece of you
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do.
There’s a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling…
We could have had it all… (you’re gonna wish you, never had met me)…
Rolling in the Deep (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside… (you’re gonna wish you)… of your hand (Never had met me)
And you played it… (Tears are gonna fall)… To the beat (Rolling in the deep)
Baby I have no story to be told,
But I’ve heard one of you and I’m gonna make your head burn.
Think of me in the depths of your despair.
Making a home down there, as mine sure won’t be shared.
The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling…
We could have had it all… (you’re gonna wish you never had met me)… Rolling in the Deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside… (you’re gonna wish you)… of your hand (Never had met me)
And you played it… (Tears are gonna fall)… To the beat (Rolling in the deep) (x2)
Throw your soul through every open door (Whoa)
Count your blessings to find what you look for (Whoa-uh)
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold (Whoa)
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow.
(You’re gonna wish you… Never had met me)
We could have had it all (Tears are gonna fall… Rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all ( you’re gonna wish you… never had met me)
It all. (Tears are gonna fall)
It all
It all (Rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all (you’re gonna wish you, never had met me)
Rolling in the deep (Tears are gonna fall rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside… (you’re gonna wish you)… of your hand (Never had met me)
And you played it… (Tears are gonna fall)… to the beat (Rolling in the deep) (x2)
But you played it
You played it.
You played it.
You played it to the beat.
~~Rolling In The Deep – Adele~~

The Man That Can’t Be Moved.

xxshadowraexx — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 03:20:51 +0000

Sue Me.
I’m Not Ready To Give Up Yet.
I Care A Lot.
I Want You To Get To That Point In Your Life
That You’re Happy.
But God!
I’m So Selfish And Clingy.
I Want You Soooo Bad.
I Miss What We Used To Have.
But I Guess That Won’t Happen Again.
But Yet Again, I Knew What I Was Getting Into.
Totally My Fault.
Totally Didn’t Except The Physical Pain Of Heartbreak Either.
I’m Waiting.
Not Too Long Dear Sir.
Just Long Enough For You To Get Your Ducks In Order.
And If You Seize To Miss Me Then, I’ll Bug Off.
I’m A Strong Person.
My Urge To Want To See You All The Time,
Kiss You, Hold You, Just Be With You,
Will Subside In Time.
Time Heals All Dollface.
But Until You Say ‘GTFO’
I’m Here.
I Like Who I Was When I Was With You.
I Was Happy And I Wasn’t Faking It.
I Didn’t Have To Hold The Weight Of My Mask.
I Finally Fell Into Step.
I Felt… Dare I Say It… Normal?
I Liked What We Had.
I’m Just Too Messed Up.
But I’ll Fight For You If You So Want Me To.
God! I Will.

I’ll never feel the weight of your hands
Inside mine like diamonds
Lace so fine ballerina
Cupcake and my earthquake
Wakes me from a sleep that
Never comes are you breathing
Waiting for me

I didn’t really want you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
I want to rescue want to scream out loud

I didn’t think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
To feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
I want to rescue want to scream out loud
You will always be mine

The room spins
Pull you from me
My body burns
Tell me of the rainbows
The colors that the rain throws
Ballerina dance softly
She knows when to come only
When she’s called I’m slowly coming to

I didn’t really want you
But I need you
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
I want to rescue want to scream out loud

I didn’t think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so empty in me
To feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
I want to rescue want to scream out loud
You will always be mine

So, so sorry
Just come back for me now
So, so sorry
Just come back to me now
oh soon

I didn’t think I wanted you
But I want you now
It was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
I want to rescue want to scream out loud

I didn’t think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
To feel you tumbling down
Into the empty world
The lights went out
I want to rescue want to scream out loud
That you will always be mine
– Ballerina ;; Leona Naess

Days Go By.

xxshadowraexx — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 17:19:21 +0000

Look, I’m Done With This. But I Need Time. Apparently I Was A Wee Bit More Attached Then I Thought I Was. Being Just Your Friend Is Going To Be Hard For A Bit. I Just Want You To Be Happy Man. But I Gotta Detach Myself And That’s Gonna Take A Wee Bit Of Time As Well. We Can Still Be Friends, Yeah, But I Think Twice A Week Is Enough To See Each Other. It’s What I Have To Do To Find Happiness In Myself Again, Not Just When I’m Around You. I’ll Be Here When You Wanna Talk. I’ll Be Here When You Wanna Hang. But I Gotta Not Be A Sucker For You Anymore For Us To Be As Awesome As We Were Before This Fiasco.

Don’t Run. I Still Wanna Be Friends. But This Is Gonna Be Hard For Both Of Us.
I Don’t Want You To Be A Sucker And I Really Don’t Want To Lose You As A Friend.

~~You’re Not Gonna Lose Me As A Friend. I Care Too Much For You. I Just Need Time To Heal. It Hurt Man. I May Not Show It To You To Your Face But Us Ending Hurt.~~

I Know You Hurt.

Then Just Give Me A Few Weeks. I Can’t Handle It. You Were Right. It Hurt A Lot More Then I Thought It Would. I’ll See You At Pool And I’ll Bring You To Karaoke With Me If You Want To. I Feel Selfish Because This Hurts You Too. But You’re Not Suffering With Me. Not This Bad. I Just Need Time. How About This: Think Of It As An Intervention. Yeah, An Intervention. But You’re Prolly Passed Out. I Hope You Can Come Tomorrow. Both Of You. Because If Ya’ll End Up An Iten Again I’ll Have To Learn To Deal With Two Of Ya’ll Instead Of Just One Of You. Lol

I Feel Like You Hate Me. I So Don’t Want You To.. Rae What Can I Say? I Really Like You. I Still Think You’re Awesome. But There Are Things I Have To Deal With But I Don’t Want To Lose You Over Them Either.

There’s Nothing You Can Say. You Won’t Lose Me. You Can’t Lose Me. I Think A Restraining Order Is What’s Best. Lol. I Don’t Hate You. I Can’t Hate You. I’m Just Tired Of Feeling Like I’m Being Stabbing In The Ribs Every Few Nights. I Really Like You. And It’s For This I Need Just A Few Weeks. And Maybe By That Time You’ll Have More Straightened Out And My Craving To Run Someone Over Will Have Subsided. Lol. I Don’t Want To Hate You Later Because I Didn’t Give Myself Time To Heal.

I Understand. I Really Do And I’m Gonna Miss You And Hanging Out. Can I Still Get A Ride To And From Work If I Can’t Swing It Another Way? I’m Sorry This Hurts So Much But Thats Why I’m Doing This Now And Not Dragging It Out. Maybe When I Get My Head On Better And I’ve Dealt With My Issues Things Can Be Different. I Have The Feeling Me And Her Are Gonna End Up Not Working It Out.. But Iz Gonna Miss Ya!

1. Wtf? How Random. Yeah I’ll Take You To And From Work If You Can’t. Lol
2. Although It Hurts, I’m Healing A Lot Quicker Then I’ve Seen Others Heal. I’ll Be Set In No Time. I’m Like Wolverine MOTHERFUCKUUHHH!!
3. I’ll Be Here Reguardless If Ya’ll Work Out Or Not. I Want You To Be Happy And That’s It. Rather If It’s You With Her, Or Moving Away, Or Living In A Box, Or Being The Second Hitler… I’m Down. Although I’d Much Perfer The Paramedic And Staying Here. No Lie. =P
4. It’s Not Like We’re Not Gonna See Each Other. Have You Noticed Something? I’m Not Good With Cold Turkey. Hehe.

Lol Second Hitler!