Just Like Heaven.
So, my valentines started on Friday The 13th. It was the bomb diggity beyond bomb diggities. No one could have had a better Valentines. Yeah, I lacked a valentine, but who the hell needs one when you’ve got dependable best friends that can do what boyfriends/girlfriends can do, and more. Well… minus sex. And thats okay. I’ve survived this long without it.
My parents left for Washington DC, where my sister lives, for her birthday for the weekend, leaving me alone. So, I invited Serenity and Nina over to keep me company. =]
The day started Friday, at lunch when Nina and I got “Mr. Schmitty.” Mr. Schmitty is our adopted bear. At the end of lunch we went up to my neighbor who was eating lunch at his regular table. He acused me of stealing his chance of adopting a bear. I did. =P. I WANTED TO BE THE FATHER! && I am dammit. =].
“I know where you live.” – him.
“I know where you live too!” – me. [[He lives in the house behind mine. Or so, I think. >.>]]
“OH!” -Nina- “You should come over! We’re having orgies!”
I instantly noticed tension. His hands shot up to the woman across from him. His mom. Embaressment washed over me. I hadn’t met his mom until that moment. I don’t know why I cared but I couldn’t help but to think that his mom’s first impression of me was a sex fiend because of the “orgies”. I dragged Nina away, embaressed as hell, and bitched the whole way to 4th period, making her feel bad. It wasn’t intended to make her feel bad, but I was talking outloud to myself and she was there. I was so fucking embaressed. But, the day only got better from that moment.
I went home after school to clean my bathroom, because, lets face it, it was pretty gross. I won’t give any details about it but just imagine a dirty bathroom. I cleaned it and made ramen noodles for Serenity because I knew she would be hungry when she got done with her service hours at the Library. I finished making it and waited for her to call me from the library to tell me she was on her way. I went to play rockband while I waited. She called and came over. She ate the ramen noodles and we mostly just hung out, waiting for Nina to be done with her dinner with her aunt and uncle that were down from Daytona Beach… I think… I don’t remember.
Serenity and I gossip and end up talking each other into going to Movie Gallery to get movies. We end up buying movies instead of renting: 28 Weeks Later; Candy; Deception; && Saw III. I was really happy. Nina was going to bring: RockNRolla; Sweeney Todd; Sleepy Hollow; && August Rush. [[Sleepy Hollow && August Rush were mine.]]
Serenity and I get home and discover… I left my keys at Movie Gallery. We start spazzing out, speically since Serenity had to… uh… nevermind. We call Nina to ask if she could drop by Movie Gallery and pick up Belle; My keys, because of my keychain; from Movie Gallery. Still being in town she did. We break in before Nina gets to my house and we wait for Nina to get there. When Nina gets there… My world is complete.
Serenity goes into my room to find… Flappy Jack. “Flappy Jack” is a Jack Skellington pen with a Jack head that wobbles on the top of the pen. She apparently finds this excruciatingly funny. Nina and I end up laughing AT her. “So, no more brownies?” because a party isn’t complete without RaeBrownies. “NO!” Serenity still laughs her ass off. I make them anyways, cause I really wanted chocolate. But, when do I not want chocolate?… Have you seen Bridget? Yeah… I really like Chocolate. We settle down to watch movies after the brownies are made, Serenity finally stopped laughing. I sit between my favorite people and have the brownie dish on my lap as we consume it with forks. =P
We watched Candy first. Heath Ledger was so fucking amazing. Like AHHH! Its about a couple that have for serious Heroin addictions. I won’t ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it. && If you haven’t seen it you seriously need to ask me to borrow it. Its dragging, like some things really shouldn’t have been lingered on. But, it was great.
Around 10:30 or so… I hear something. I ignored it thinking I was just being stupid. Then, my house phone rang… BLAKE! I was so fucking happy. She talked to us for a bit. She told me about a job opening at her work place that made me do mental flips. But I got the feeling of being rude and had to let her go, still wishing she could come over. [[She had to work a double the following day, && I didn't want her to lack sleep for it. So I "uninvited" her.]]
RockNRolla was next. I end up falling asleep. T.T. Sorry! I was warm and comfortable between them! Turns out I was the character: Bob. I don’t really recall why I was Bob, but next to the fact that we was pretty awesome like I am. =P. Nina was Gerard Butler’s character, One Two… Because… lets face it… She’s obsessed. =P, && that’s okay. Serenity was the black man Mumbles, because, we could all totally see Serenity being Mumbles. =P. It was 3 hours long! It was good… what I saw… funny as hell… but SUPER LONG! I can handle long movies, for the most part Ima sucker for them… but… I was tired. I woke up and watched the last 30 minutes or so…
After we watched RockNRolla, we decided we were tired && all piled into my queen bed. Nina slept in the middle.
At 9:30 I heard my dogs barking… those assfucks. I got up and let them out… but they were already out. I check on Serenity and Nina who were both still asleep. I let them outside and start the coffee pot. My phone still lay on the counter from the night before, both of theirs on the counter charging like good phones should. I go into my room and put my phone on the charger and Serenity jolts up. I lock eyes with her and leave the room. She follows me back into the kitchen.
We wait a couple minutes until the coffee is done being made and then she speaks.
“Can I have a waffle?”
“No,” I go for the refrigerater and pull out the waffle box and get her two and stick them into the toaster/mini oven thing.
I pull out the eggs and bread to toast.
“Are we gonna have like this huge breakfast thing?” she asked.
“No…” I think… “Do you want eggs too?”
Serenity Puppy eyes and smile. “Yes.” =]. I happily make her eggs. She warms up frozen sausages in the microwave for both of us. We both make ourselves coffee [[Mine doused with sugar and creamer//Her's the same but in a small cup.]] and she starts to each as I finish off making my own. I get worried if I should make Nina some, in fear that if I don’t make them she’ll feel left out, but if I do make them and she doesn’t wake up they’ll get cold. Serenity says shes awake and she enters the kitchen. I make her breakfast like my own. [[Coffee: Creamer. No sugar.]] We all eat in the kitchen. Nina gets too full to finish her breakfast… You’re a best friend when you still eat the breakfast when its covered in best friend germs. >.>… They get it. After breakfast, Serenity decides she doesn’t want to go to the library and stay with us. We sit around and watch TV… The end of Bridget Jone’s Diary. && something else. At the end of that something else, Serenity needed to get ready for her Valentine’s Day date with her beau, Damien. She goes through my closet so she could wear one of my shirts, instead of her regular old ones… that aren’t bad… but she wanted something new. She ended up being AMAZING GORGEOUS! in my black robot shirt. She left her hair wavy and =]. She’s always so pretty. Lucky whore. =]. We took pictures on Nina’s computer of the beautiful child and then the three of us.
After she left, Nina and I finished wathing another Renee Zellwegger movie, Down With Love. It wasn’t amazing, but we actually enjoyed it. Ewan McGreger is in it. =D. That pretty beast. Turns out at the end of Down With Love, it was about… 5? or so. I don’t remember. We checked our myspaces, decided that we were going into town and get chinese and rent a movie/game, all on her expense. We ended up getting a Sonic The Hedgehog game. =]. Yay! She knows me all too well, that whore. =P. We got home, it was dark. We ate a little of our chinese, still full from our lunch. [[Sammichs and the remainder of the brownies.]] We played Sonic until round 1130 or so, and I decided I was tired. I ate a lot of my chinese, but then… Angus finished it off for me. I almost shot him in the fucking head. >.>… We went to bed.
We got up and made coffee.
“Whatcha want for breakfast?” I ask.
She goes to the frig and pulled out buscuits I had requested from Mom. We made them and started to play more Sonic. We got passed the level that we couldn’t get passed the night before. We were relieved. =D.
But like all stories… time and reality comes back into play. Nina had to go to dinner/lunch at her Uncle’s like she does every sunday. She left around 1130… leaving Mr. Schmitty and her pillow here for me. =].
This year, was by far, the best Valentine’s Day… EVER!
Tears Of Hate.
I couldn’t survive a fucking month. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be happy for a month. Its so funny how shit started to tear up right after I posted the previous blog. I just… grrr… Unbelieveably. Its so fucking unbelieveable.
1. Its great how I would like to wrap my long fingers around Blake’s neck and bash it against a fucking brick. She’s gotten so confusing lately. One minute she was cool and relaxed, which I adored. The next minute she’s hard core christian, which I totally and completely supported, a bit taken back from the reverse of lifestyles, but I was growing used to it. But then the next minute she’s going back to her “old days”. I don’t know what she was like during those days && I don’t want to know. She’s met this guy. She’s totally and completely wrapped up in him. She was happy. She is happy. But when people have to worry about her is when something is wrong. Its not just me. Its her other best friend. We’re both worried sick of her. I’ve never actually spoken to her best friend until today, but we’re both deathly sick for her. When she barges into our classroom all pissed off over the smallest things… when she’s more argumentive then normal… when she decides not to protect herself! I don’t blame him. I blame her for not even trying to stay the same. I felt the distance that had fallen between the two of us, so I asked her for Us time. I want her still. I love her. She told me she was excited. Forgive me for actually getting excited myself! FUCKING GETTING BLOWN OFF!!! I’ll be here whenever she accepts that she has changed. I’ll be here whenever she has come to her senses && the “addiction” has settled down a bit. I love her. I can’t let her go. Forgive me for getting pissed off. My greed has taken over again. For that mere sin to even go close to taking over, makes you speical to me. Its a sign that I love you. You know how sensative I am. You know that I’m sensative to this sort of shit. This is what I see. I don’t know what the fuck its like to have the “addiction” or what you’re going through with your move and your new guy. But, understand that you HAVE to consider what the people that love you and you love too… Its wrong of you to be so self-centered.
2. I’m tired of liking Jack. I’ve grown obsessive. I’ve noticed stupid small things. Every time he looks at me, my heart goes faster. I don’t know why its him. He’s so obnoxious, oblivious, sensative, and overconfident at times I wish to run him over with his broken car. I went for a while literally thinking “My crush for him in the only thing thats normal in my life.” What the fuck was I thinking? He’s so oblivious to everything! He and I are friends. But there isn’t enough strength in my pillars to help me not obsess. I can’t find it in myself to step down from crush to just friends. No crush. No weak knees. No speeding heart. Just friends. I’m just “sweet n’ low” – the sugar substitute [Thank you Rebecca]. But I refuse to be anymore! I refuse to be such a view. I wish to still be a shoulder, I wish to still be an ear. But for some reason I can’t grasp that that is all. The irony he told me Monday [11-3] was so rediculously funny. “She bitches about her boyfriends, I just wait. I’ve liked her for a while. We just have that connection. I just wait for her…” Or something along that line. XDDD Its so fucking funny. But I’m done. I’m tried of having pointless Knight attacks since in a couple years none of them will matter. I’ll find someone new, someone that notices… I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it all…
3. Little things are pissing me off. Little things are driving me insane. My buttons are being pushed too many times, at the wrong time. I’m getting pissed off at the wrong people, at weird times, and over the stupidest things, but I can’t block shit anymore. I can to a point. Hell! Even my mom saw how upset I was tonight! I felt so broken, so replaced, so used. Whatever. I’ll get over myself.
4. I still need a fucking job. I’m trying. My mother looks down upon me. I’m not my sisters. It disappoints her that I am not. T.T
Llama Llama Moose.
For some strange reason, I’ve been happy lately. Like… I find myself smiling more often, blocking out that cloggy depressed feeling that has haunted me since late July.
1. I think… Now… I’ve finally come to terms with Sharon. I can hang around them and once more feel complete. Although I have yet to get “the talk”… which would require a certain level of chivalry to come out and play… For now… I feel as though I don’t need it. I say this now… && hell will break loose… DAMMIT!
2. I’ve found someone that is in the EXACT same position as I am, in relationship. He cares for someone immensely, but knows he can never have her. People have been curious why I’ve chosen to tell him stuff. But… I do it because I have grown to love said character, and I think half of me thinks hes grown to love me too. And because of our similarities, we are brought closer.
=]
3. Although all the happiness and jollygood dancing have been accuring, I find myself blocking out more stuff. All the little things like, Nina’s little meltdowns about Ama, Womb’s kick in the shin, Kid bouncing around like hes on steriods… I seem to forget it all. I found myself pushing all my pissed off-y-ness, into weight lifting. All the times I’ve wanted to pounce Kid && claw his eyes out for existing; All those times I’ve wanted to slam Nina against a wall for Mindfucking me… I push into weight lifting. First period is too short… I wish it were longer….
4. I saw Byrd. [10-16-08]. Its been 3 years since I saw him last. I was a freshman when he left… like a jerk. && I saw him for the first time. It was unbelieveable. Although I didn’t cry, I got enough of him. Enough to wait until his godson/daughter is done to see him again. I blame him for all those missing years. *Winks.* =]
The Greedy Child I’ve Become.
Yeah… Its my fault. No sarcasm. No puns. I’m going to try to pull all my thoughts together, although I’m sure that you’d understand it anyways. Sigh.
There’s been alot of shit going on inside that I regret. I feel as though it all has come crumbling down like a tower with a wrecking ball. Its as if I had the life sucked out of me and replaced with a new life that has a less immune wall.
I’ve come to terms of where I’m at in your life. Or… I think I have… er… thought I had. I keep thinking that number two isn’t bad. Its better then be lower. In my head I keep repeating that being number two is amazing. But for some reason, I keep backing it up with thoughts that make me feel unloved and pitiful. She has all she needs. She doesn’t need me anymore. I can’t bring her happiness like he can. I promise you, I want to stop it all. And I thought I was trying my hardest to make it all come to an end. I thought that the past month was actually working. In my head, I didn’t become jealous whenever I saw ya’ll walking together, I thought that was progress. And the mere fact that I could actually be around ya’ll during a makeout feast, I thought that that was success. But what you said in the journal, made me break. All of it was for nothing. “Everyone has basically come to terms with us. Except Shadow, but she has issues.” Thanks, by the way. Made me realize how much I really did have issues.
We went over this. I explained this all to you. I thought you would accept it. Yeah, we didn’t talk for a little bit. But we got past that. We actually over came that little fact that I stepped back. Why can’t you of “all fucking people, grasp” that I can’t leave you. Sure. You can sure as hell leave me without hesitation. But I have a soul, and can’t have that. I backed off so I don’t depend all my sanity on you. It doesn’t even enter your mind that I’m doing this for the both of us. I’m doing this for you so I don’t go through one of these little “breakdowns” and you raise all hell on me, such as this. If I step back I won’t have breakdowns because I wouldn’t have put all this shit on your plate. As a teenager, I know you have a shitload on your plate as it is. I don’t want to be the fly in your soup. Fuck! Do you honestly think I would do this purposely? Do you honestly fucking think that I would fucking try to seperate myself from the only person that I thought understood me without a reason? You might not think its a logical but you have to fucking get it through your fucking skull that this is for you!! I do everything for you! You! The only person I would take a fucking bullet without regret or hesitation. I might not be your number one, but you are mine. Its like none of it matters anymore….. Sigh. Breathe. Damn you for not understanding.
Its amazing how you don’t understand that I could give a damn about that kid. I could care less for him. Yeah, he made me feel speical. But nothing compared to you. He came with butterflies and happy shit like that. But you came with security and comfort. I grew too homey to that feeling. Its only natural to want the comfort over anything else. Damn you. You think that I would leave you for him. Damn you!! This is the thing that distraughts me the most.
Why the fuck do you think I would put chicks before dick?? When it is you that has. When it is you that have not tried hard enough to balance shit out… when you’re not even trying anymore.
You’re up there with her. You’re no different then she is. There are hardly no differences, besides the fact that her and I don’t see each other every day. I reassure you, you’re far better. You at least tried. But… no. Forgive me for lingering on the past. Its one of my manya flaws.
I know its all my fault. I keep over thinking it. I keep wanting shit to come back. I keep wanting shit to go back to the way they used to be. Back when I smiled for no reason. Back when we’d meet each other in random parts of the school so we could walk each other to class. But it won’t. It never will.
I damn near killed you. It was my fault that you were behind the fucking handlebars of a vehicle you couldn’t control. I keep telling myself that I was teaching you and that you can’t learn without being behind the wheel. You keep asking me why do you have to be protected from any impure thoughts. You keep wanting me to answer it. The only answer is because I love you. Its like it doesn’t even process. You turn just seconds too late to get a glance of it. I actually phyically hurt you. That alone makes me distraught. It was all for nothing.
Greedy me. Clinginess. Possessiveness. Want. Crave. Avarice.
I came to you broken. Its only right for me to leave broken.
But you’re right… maybe this might as well be the end.
I never knew perfection ’till
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?
It’s not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…
A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane
The city looks so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears
So you’re sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s alright
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah.
I’m not fine, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break, baby.
Better That We Break – Maroon 5.
Birthday List.
Motion City Soundtrack [cd] – Even If It Kills Me.
Beauty & The Beast [dvd].
SafetySuit [cd] – Life Left To Go.
Ellen Hopskins [book] – Identical.
The Crow [dvd]. [1st one with Brandon Lee.]
Across The Universe [dvd].
Sonic and The Secret Of Rings [Wii Game.]
Paramore [cd] – Riot!
Death Note [dvd]. [Live Action. 2008.] [Shy&Ash].
Secondhand Serenade [cd]. [*cough* SHAINA! *cough*]
iPod Nano 8 GB [Silver perfered] [3rd gen.]
Charlaine Harris [book] - Dead Until Dark.
Saw 1-4 [dvd].
Jason Mraz [cd] – We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things.
10 People.
This is supposed to be on Myspace… But… I don’t like to post blogs on myspace anymore… I’ve scrambled them [no particular order] so you don’t really know which one is you… ur screwed. Sooo here it is:
1. Ah. It is your turn. There has been so much shit going on. It’s all confusing. It’s all so confusing. I wish I could just make it go away. You don’t care about it anymore; I don’t think you even consider it anymore. You probably don’t even think of me anymore. I’m glad we became friends. You’re very important to me. By far one of my favorites.
2. There’s a little amount I can say about you. I didn’t think we’d be such good friends. And at first I feared that I was using you unconciously. We had shit in common. && I loved it. But I was afraid I was using you for entertainment in my classes and for your smarts. But when you were gone, I knew I liked you, because I worried. XD. =]. I wanted to come to his funeral. But I think I left out of town. You were gone for two weeks. I worried. I’m glad we became friends. You bring retarded laughter back into my life. You tell me that its okay to be retarded sometimes. I like it alwot. =D
3. Light of my Life. You mean to me what those words are supposed to mean. Just entering into a room, my comfort level shoots up. Even if you’re upset with me. I literally feel as if the world lights up whenever you smile. It makes me feel as though the room gets warmer, like the sun. My heart becomes a regular beat. Almost complete. I’m sorry I’m possessive. I do it cause I love you to an unbelieveable extent.
4. When I was in middle school, I actually thought I would never see you again. Ninth grade didn’t help. But when The Destroyers were united once more, I was more then excited to see you. I hadn’t a fuking clue what to say to you. So I started off with the universal conversation starter: your accessories. You wore that idiotic Naruto thing. You are the world’s largest idiot. But you are by far one of my favorites. I love you. It sucks ass that we don’t get to hang out as much as I wish we do. T.T. BUT WE WILL! WE WILL! THE DESTROYERS WILL RISE AGAIN!
5. It’s impossible how much I have to remind you that you too mean the world to me. I hate that you think that if you leave my life will be at a satified level. I need you. I have friends for different reasons. You’re reason is to put logic to my emotion. Yeah, you lose it sometimes. But that’s okay. We must all have our times. It just sucks when we have it at the same time. XD. But we’ll survive.
6. Oh How its been so long, and yet you play a crucial role in my play called Life. I remember as if it was yesterday the first time I saw your face. I was young, naive, had no fuking clue how much you would mean to me. Didn’t think much of you except for the fact that you knew what you were doing and I hadn’t a clue. Wow. Has it really been that long? God. I wish to see you. I wish to wrap my arms around you. I owe you so much. I owe you for being there whenever I needed someone to talk to, and actually put up with my shit, although I know I was a total bitch at times. I feel bad for what I had made you do. Forgive me. I know you don’t think of it anymore, since you… you know, preoccupied. We have different lives. I wish our lives entwined more. I’d be at peace.
7. Wow. I never knew how much I could care for someone in such a little time. It’s like… wow. I completely adore you. It’s impossible. You’re always smiling. It’s like you know the most amazing thing to say. Your gorgeous! I love it! Your everything I wish I was. I hate you. NO WAIT! *huggles* *whispers 1 secret magic word that makes the world spin*. =]. I la u bunches.
8. Oh Darlin, take a bow. You have enchanted me with your words for so long. You basically had my world in your hands. You meant everything to me. When you left, you took everything from me. You ruled my world for too long. You were the star of the play. You’ve scarred me with your performance. I gave you love. And I know you gave it back to me. But “I Love You” && “I’m Sorry” don’t cover everything. Close the curtain; You’re act is for shit now.
9. I love how we have so much in common, its not even close to funny. =D. You’re great. You really are. I’m sorry I haven’t come to terms with things. But I’ll try my damnest, I really will try. It’ll take a bit warming up to. But I would like to be on better terms. I know you don’t notice. But I don’t want to survive the rest of our friendship on thinking that things aren’t the way they should be. You’re great with words, maybe one day you’ll say the right thing to win me over. I look forward to hearing those words. =]
10. I don’t even talk to you anymore, and its amazing how much you affect my actions. It’s amazing that you still make my heart stop at the very thought of you. Its unreal. You’re the only person I haven’t forced out of my life from my old life and yet we hardly see or talk to each other. It’s like I don’t even matter. It’s like you don’t know the affect on me. It makes me go hysterical. You make me go hysterical. I guess its why I’ve toned down on you so much. I don’t like going hysterical. XD. My new life is helping me think less of you. No… like.. I don’t think of you as often as I used to. We have seperate lives. But, god, how I love you. Asshole.
Womb.
You have inspired me today. Although you didn’t stay long, you said something that inspired me to move on from Jack. You told me that you were “finding a new love interest”. It was quite odd, how this one out of all of the ones I’ve heard/watched you go through, changed me. These past few weeks, as we all know, have been hell for me, espeically with this Jack character standing in the way. My stomach rolled at the sight of him, I would constantly be thinking of ways to wave around my day to see how many times I could at least get a glance of him, how I would make myself sick because he wasn’t with me but with some other chick. It was horrid. Its not a stupendious way to live, and I hated every minute of it. I hate liking someone because of the way my body reacts when I see them or when their around. I hate it. Its the soul reason why I don’t allow myself the pleasure of having crushes. Just the way that you live your life, I wish I lived. Although you have things that you don’t let the world see, you still live as though you haven’t had your “bad” days. I love how you can do that. You’re always laughs and smiles around me. It cheers me up. You don’t even have to try. Its like a 6th sense. =D. I wish I could go up to someone and start conversation, and I think I shall try. I’ve been saying this for the longest time. But new times call for new adventures. =]. I shant not forget my friends, I hope they travel with me. Since I am totally dependant, almosty parasite like to ya’ll, I need ya’ll to travel with me. Like Food. I need ya’ll to survive.
It truely has been destiny.
I love you. Womb.
Watching Where The Pieces Fall.
This week has been shitty.
I knew that Jack wouldn’t pick me the moment there was a “triangle” between Blake, Myself, and Him. He and Blake go way back and I was just convenient. If he liked me the way I thought he did then he would have even considered me. It hurt that when the three of us were together he would linger over her. To watch him and her be together. When all he was concerned about was how he could be with her. Like I said before. I love Blake. I really do. I’m still lingering on how I felt for him. I saw him today and I went swoon over his presense. I felt color leave my face when I had to stand next to him. I felt myself want to puke at the small details I happened to notice today. I wanted to cry and stuff. I kept my eyes closed most of the song to keep my wall up so I didn’t cry in front of him. It pisses me off I noticed it. I knew it was there but I didn’t really see it until today. Jesus! I need to get over myself.
It pisses me off that I can’t talk to Serenity without talking to Damien too. She texted me the other morning asking me if it was selfish to want to hang out with me. To be honest, I didn’t want her to see me like I was/am. I didn’t want her to see me weak from some kid. I didn’t want her to see that I ran to the bathroom every couple hours just in case my stomach decided to fuck up and really puke, when all it was was butterflies. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see her like we used to, back when guys didn’t matter. I miss her from those days. Back in the days when she didn’t have a boyfriend in tow, or when she didn’t get depressed when she didn’t have said boyfriend around. She blew me off when she was with him. It was the most hurtful thing that had occured to me this past week. How much we wanted to hang out and she totally blew me off. She apologized but by this time I was numb. I was numb to anything. A frikkin dart could have been thrown into my eye and I wouldn’t have cared. Her hug, her smell, her words, none of it hit me. The only thing I cared about at that moment is how I didn’t care. She says she tries to find balance. I can’t get over the fact that I lost one of my best friends to sex. I can’t afford to lose another. Forgive me for being paranoid. For being paranoid about my sanity. Being paranoid about who my best friend is. I love her with everything in me. Maybe I am being possessive. Maybe I am wanting her to myself. But the sane me just wants me to just want her whenever I need her. Not Damien. I want to tell her whatever the hell is going on. I want to be able to be honest with her and tell her something is underneath my skin. But I’m too scared. She says she won’t leave. 98% of me believes her. But that 2% is growing bigger with every passing day, with every additional bite, with moment I see them together. Knight is taking over and making himself a harder shell to puncture.
My grandmother had a stroke friday morning. I didn’t break until I had to call my other grandmother and ask her to put Memaw on her church’s prayer list. Now, I’m not a huge church fan, but I felt as though, maybe a little help from the big guy can help. I also thought about: What if it was G-ma? I felt so bad. I felt so bad for not calling/talking to her. I get to the hospital and half the damn family is there. I knew instantly that things would change. My mother would soon plan to go see her everyday. My mother has missed out on alwot of stuff because of work and because of this. She doesn’t know how I got kicked out for a couple hours && how I had to walk to Nina’s Mom’s house. She doesn’t know any of this with Jack. I want her to know. I don’t want to get in trouble. I don’t want to be told that it’s just a phase. Its pathetic how much I am like her. I see a shitload of myself in her. She doesn’t know me well enough to know. But I know. I see. I just… dread. She doesn’t know how much I’m tearing myself apart. Choking on my own selfpity. She doesn’t know about the Jeep… unless Stepfather told her. I’m sure he told her about the Jeep. But… Sigh. The Jeep was takin away from me… again. I really want to take care of the Jeep. I really do try. Sigh. I don’t wash it, && I don’t keep it clean. But… Its my number2 baby, next to my dog. Sigh. I feel as though my family is against me because I lack a job and I don’t have two years of college under my belt. I want to whack all of my family that thinks of me as my sisters. I want to shoot all those fukers that think that I’m going to end up like them. I refuse to end up like them since I am not them. I will end up happy in my own way Dammit!
Captain Jack VI.
Today, my g-ma had a stroke. I was in the hospital all day. My cuzn wanted to come down with me, to see me. To meet Jack. She got the oppertunity.
We snuck to the park on the way home. Just the two of us. I was all butterflies, not knowing what to expect. I was jumpy and excited, nervous and anxious. I had made myself sick, wanting to puke all of which I had nothing in my stomach at the very thought of this meeting. My cuzn and I pull up and two band kids pull up. We talk, Cuzn tries. Then Jack and another band kid appears. Cuzn and I watch them play Raquet ball. Cuzn is trying to give me hints to try and expose myself to him. Give him subliminal flirting hints. I laugh and shake my head. “Be myself” I kept telling her. One of the band kid’s mom called them and wanted them home. Jack makes the band kid he bought, go home with them. They leave. Cuzn, Jack, & I go to the playset. Me and Jack are on the swings. I try to make it not happen. At this point I dont want to know what he wants to say. I dont want to know what he has to say. Cuzn gets a call from her dad, we lie. “I have to shower anyways. I’m not pretty,” her excuse to go home. “So… I think u should go ahead so I can talk to Rae.” My stomach dropped. My heart beats slightly faster. I walk beside him, slowing my pace. “So basically, I think you should forget about me.” Walls. My walls shoot up like fucking rockets. I’m shielded with numbness before any pain can even get a head start. He goes into a monologue about how he and his exgirlfriend are talking again, and might hook up. “It makes me happy to know she doesnt hate me. How we just miss each other.” I hear and accept all of this information, although I truely really just wanted to claw his eyes out. “We’ll hang out tomorrow right?” God how I wanted to cry. I wanted to jump into Cuzn’s truck and run his fucking ass over. “Yeah. I’ll call you.” I reply. I call Serenity. I tell her this: “With my luck, I am Molly. Damien picked you. But with my luck… I was destined to be denied because you got Damien.” Not as though it was her fault, it just seemed like a good analogy to go on. Pardon me, I was in an undescrible mood. Then I call Blake. I tell her the update. She wants to yell at him. “I didn’t pull myself out of the equation so he can go off and go with [her]. I would rather him date me then her! This doesn’t sit well with me.” And so forth. At least one of us wants to kick his ass. I decide that Nina would be online and I would tell her online. Blake told me I was “upset”. I went with that and let her go. I sit around and linger. I decide to shower. I’m yelling at him the whole time. I nik myself shaving and think. I think real hard. And I successfully resist and hold back a wall of pain that has been held back by my wall. I wipe the blood and get out. I dress and get on myspace to read a bulletin from the exgirlfriend.
Where is the person you want most?
Idk where he’s at exactly.
But he’s in a diff state.
Who was your last call from?
Jack. -_-
Where is your ex?
Don’t care too much.
Do you miss him/her ?
Not alot.
Are you moved on ?
Jeez.
I laugh hysterically at this. I laugh at how I was rejected a second time because of this. I laugh at how much pain he would be in at the sight of this. I laugh at the mear fact that I actually let my wall down for this character and he rejected me… twice and that this is payback. Someone somewhere loves and hates me. XD. I’m no longer hurt. I await for him to meet with me later.
I’m not mad or upset. A bit hurt, but I guess its normal.
You told me not to give up. I didn’t. And now this.
I am rejected… for a second time.
Thanks. Now I have a reason to put my walls up.
It was you who I put my walls down for. Now I guess it was all for nothing.
Read her bulletin. Then tell me if it was worth it. *Laughs Hysterically*.
But now I guess… there is no more Jack. No more Butterfly Man. No more of this.
I hope we can be Friends.
A bulletin I sent shortly after I read her bulletin. I hope he gets it. I hope we can be friends. I hope he realizes that not even Kaitlin got a third chance. I hope so. God I hope so.
Captain Jack IV.
The day started like every day has for the past week or so. Except I had woken to Nina sleeping quietly beside me. We had to register for classes. The phone rang. I run to catch the last ring. But by then the person had hung up. I had called Serenity back to get: “Better get here now. There’s a long ass line.” I wake Nina up. We take out sweet time to get to the high school in The Jeep since her car decided to be queer and decided not to start. We get there and there are a shitload of people there. We meet Serenity && Damien there. We get into the room and Netnet is there and a couple of my homeroom girls including Blake. Blake and her friend are there. And then… I become aware of Jack’s mom. Jack is sitting in the desk in front of her. I try not to freak out and becomes quite successful… until I see one of my math buddies over there and I feel the need to say hi. I become very aware that Jack is staring at me. I feel his eyes. I suck in my belly and try to become invisible. We talk about what classes we do. He tries to convince me to take some more classes that he was in but I couldn’t since I decided to fuck up and get intensive reading… which I don’t understand. Jack asks me if he can hang out. Him being Jack… I accept. I’m thrilled until Blake asks to hang out too. Blake is Jack’s pomme de sang. He craves her. The past week has been hell, for the two of them. Blake liked him. He liked Blake. Stuff happens. Blake is “no relationship”. Jack is “want relationship”. They clash. Jack is now is rebound. He feels his heart being broken at the sight of her. Sigh…. >.>… I love Blake. FROM WOMB! And I want to hang out with her. I take Nina home and we clean for a little bit until, Blake and her friend show up. 15 minutes later, awkward. Jack walks in to see Blake. We play Mario Party, Blake’s friend just watches as: Me, Blake, Jack, && Nina play. The whole time I’ve become more aware of Jack and Blake’s closeness. I have miniature Knight Attacks right in front of them. I like how none of them noticed. Not even Nina. Which is truely okay. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t want to have to explain it to any of them. Blake and her friend want to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. We get through 20 rounds before Blake and her friend have to go. They leave after watching us contemplate over whos going, can we go, and stuff. Blake and her friend leave. Jack pulls me to the side and Nina was sent, by Jack, to the car. He pulls me into my bedroom. He kept calling himself an idiot/ass, explaining himself the past couple days. “I should have chosen you, knowing that you have never hurt me.” I felt honored. And hurt. I told him, “I don’t want to date you unless you really like me.” “I do.” My stomach drops and twists. Like the Electric Slide. Then I go numb when he pulls me into a hug. I inhale and try not to let him realize I was doing so. “No. Its okay. You’re not an ass. Don’t worry about my feelings.” We finally decide: Jack pays for Nina, myself, and himself, as long as Nina drives && pays for food. On the ride there, he rides shotgun. He reaches back to me through the space between the door and the seat, and plays with my pantleg. I poke his hand to keep it away and we end up playing… hands-ie? Kinda like footsie… but not really?… O.o…. We go to see Sisterhood although we wanted to see: Pineapple Express. Seating order from outside in: Blake’s friend, Blake, Jack, myself, && Nina. We survive the movie. I blush at the kiss scenes and I block my eyes from the “LETS HAVE SEX!” scene, laughing too hard on the inside. For some scenes, I wanted to touch his hand, although I didn’t. He tapped my leg for a moment [One of the scenes I was laughing hysterically on the inside.] On the way home, Nina drives, I ride shotgun, and Jack is in back. Jack is emo. I stick my hand back, and we play for a couple seconds until I sense his hand by my shoulder. I look in the side mirror to notice. He wraps his hands around my neck and starts massaging. =D. I pull my hand to where our thumbs touch. We stay like that for most the ride home until Serenity calls. No more… thumbs. T.T…. Nina has dinner with her mom and leaves Jack and I at my house. My stepfather is home. An awkward 30 minutes that was. I was kicked out of my house the night before for “being lazy” + he had a “bad day.” [I went back that night, after I got an apology.] Jack starts conversation with Stepfather, thank god, and peels away 10 minutes. “How do you feel about going to Serenity’s?” Jack asked me. I asked Stepfather, he “didn’t care.” We left. Jack has had feelings for Serenity since the end of last school year… you know… about the same time I started to find feelings for him. Yeah… my luck is a bitch to me. We go to play Wii: Serenity, Jack, myself, && Serenity’s brother. We play Mario Party [again]. The whole time we’re making Sexual Jokes, that came from everywhere. Serenity had spent the last six hours getting bitten by Damien… SHE HAD FUKING BRUISES EVERYWHERE! Grrr…. But she was happy as fuck. And its not like its illegal. Soo… I let it slide. The whole time its: Jack&Serenity, Myself&Serenity’sbrother, Jack&myself. We finish thirty long rounds [I win.] && Jack and I decide to leave. We go to his house for about 20 minutes, his mother got amazing clothes bargins. She got him a good dozen shirts and two pair of pants and flipflops. He was going to just take me home until…. Blake calls. “I was trying to explain to my mother who Bridget was. And I wanted to show her. COME OVER!” I ask Jack is he wants to go. He didn’t want to. But he knew I did. I couldn’t pick. If Jack didn’t want to go… I wouldn’t have gone. But… He didn’t say no. I kinda felt bad for him. I wanted to reach for his hand. I didn’t. We get to Blake’s and Jack’s mood went from: Estatic Ego to Emo Child. Blake’s mom went on about how her “thighs are big and how they talk.” Yeah… I was a bit scared myself… XD… We watch a good hour and a half of Hannibal. We eat $5 romen noodles Jack bought. The whole time we’re watching the movie, Blake and Jack are on the couch making conversation I could vaguely hear. I didn’t care. I started having a Knight Attack in Blake’s home. I felt fire in my stomach. Half of me wanted to puke the food back up. But… I was hyper off of Pepsi….=DDDD…. None of me could cry as much as I wanted to. Jack decided to take a leave after Blake decides to fall asleep. I couldn’t stay there. I walked to the car, turning around once. He said something too quiet for me to hear and she went back inside. We got to the car. We started to talk about… I don’t remember. Then we got to my house….
